Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #211  
Old 08-15-2011, 06:42 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default elephant or zebra?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think dating is, by definition, usually short-term. As for online dating, why not just try it and see if it works for you?
Dating itself is a short term activity, perhaps. But, traditionally, dating is the activity of spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to a deeper and more enduring relationship. That's what dating is (was?!).

People now seem to throw the word "dating" around in such a way that the term is becoming--or has become--meaningless. Might as well say Spaghetti-ing, for this would serve just as well--, or gloobulating. Who wants to gloobulate?

Recently I've heard folks say they were "on a date last night," but what it really was -- pure and simple -- was a casual sex encounter, and a one time deal.

I suppose our language is falling apart in every which way. No one seems to care one way or another what a term means anymore.

Forget about this dating nonsense if what you're actually wanting is some sexual playtime with a person you're not able or willing to commit to a relationship with. That's not dating. It's just not. It's not evil or bad, either. But it isn't dating. And nor is a one night stand.

I'm not a big fan of the word "dating," but it is in such common usage ... and we yet have no popular alternative to choose. And 'dating' cannot mean anything if it means anything at all. It is clear that an elephant is an elephant and not a zebra, right?
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog

Last edited by River; 08-15-2011 at 06:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #212  
Old 08-15-2011, 07:11 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,421
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Dating itself is a short term activity, perhaps. But, traditionally, dating is the activity of spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to a deeper and more enduring relationship. That's what dating is (was?!).
. . .

I'm not a big fan of the word "dating," but it is in such common usage ... and we yet have no popular alternative to choose. And 'dating' cannot mean anything if it means anything at all. It is clear that an elephant is an elephant and not a zebra, right?
I recall reading a long forum post over at OKCupid about the term. Apparently the word "dating" means something very different in Europe. Lots of Americans think of it as you do: "spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to" something more serious. To me that includes a casual cup of coffee or cocktail just to get to know someone, going out to dinner, a visit to a museum, what-have-you, but I know a lot of people feel that dating is a "try out" period before moving forward. Personally, I don't like to feel like I'm auditioning someone for a bigger role in my life. I also view dating as something you can do without trying to make it more serious. Like, when I say, I date so-and-so, we go out and do things together but we do not have a commitment to a long term relationship. We enjoy each other's company and can be dating for quite some time but aren't officially boyfriend-and-girlfriend.

According to the Europeans that posted to that OKC thread, dating is something you do after you have a commitment. They would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a date. They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know "dating." I wish I could provide the link but their forum search is really bad and I don't have time to find it. It was huge. As much as there seemed to be this definite American/European divide on what people think of as a date, there were lots and lots of variations and individual viewpoints on the American side.

I know lots of people dislike the word "date" altogether. The OP in this thread asked if short term dating is moral. That question confuses me. Morals are subjective and culturally-based, anyway, but... how would it not be moral?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-15-2011 at 07:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #213  
Old 08-16-2011, 10:05 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmourCurious View Post
I’ve decided that I don’t have what it takes to commit to a full-time relationship.
Yep, online dating is a good idea. You can say the above out loud in your profile, and thus limit the pool of candidates who might want to contact you so that you find people in similar life situations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmourCurious View Post
Another part of me says, dating can be for short-term if those involved are aware and okay with it. Is there such thing as short-term dating and is it moral?
You gave the key to whether it's moral or not in the first sentence. "If those involved are aware and okay with it". Of course, human emotions are sticky, weird things, and there are no guarantees that something that starts out as casual, fun and with a definite "best before"-date won't morph into something massive and long-term and messy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmourCurious View Post
I am attracted to very feminine women.
One possible hurdle ahead. Very feminine women looking for female companionship tend to be femmes and more inclined to hang out with butches. This is a horrible stereotype but that's how the scene operates most of the time. Feminine women who don't identify as femmes, on the other hand, are more often than not bisexual. Go figure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmourCurious View Post
I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my picture and info out there
You don't need a picture. I don't have a picture on my OKC account. It limits the amount of attention you get from other users, so you need to be more active yourself in getting in touch with potentials and messaging them first. You can also send files via private messages in OKC, so you can just add a photo of yourself to the first message and explain why you don't want it out in the open. You can also blog straight people from seeing your profile, so you don't have to deal with most men if you don't want to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
According to the Europeans that posted to that OKC thread, dating is something you do after you have a commitment. They would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a date. They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know "dating."
Thank you Indie! Exactly. That's it. Einverstanden. Second that.

In my mother tongue there are two different words, one meaning short-term dating, getting to know someone with maybe checking out if there's long-term potential, but it can totally be used just to mean something very casual and fun. And another word entirely for long-term dating when there's a commitment and often plans for shared future.

Sadly, such a distinction doesn't seem to exist in English .
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #214  
Old 08-24-2011, 09:04 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,421
Default

Funny (but true) article about online dating, especially how to word an introductory message to someone:

Online dating? Why no one wants you
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #215  
Old 08-25-2011, 02:01 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,770
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Funny (but true) article about online dating, especially how to word an introductory message to someone:

Online dating? Why no one wants you
That is all so true! I've gotten many of each of those messages.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #216  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:30 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,770
Default

OK, just got this msg on okc:

Quote:
If you could fart on anyone in the world, who would you choose, and why?
the hell?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #217  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:35 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,421
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
OK, just got this msg on okc:
Quote:
If you could fart on anyone in the world, who would you choose, and why?
the hell?
ROTFLMAO!!! That's worse than the "horseless prince" that asked if I could give him some of my hair.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #218  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:46 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,770
Default

He's a 27 year old guy and his most private thing to admit is

Quote:
I sometimes pick my nose when I'm driving, and when people see me...I wink at them and keep on going. I also think girl farts are adorable.
Sorry honey. That's not a kink I share.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #219  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:56 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,421
Default

Sounds like a fake, joke profile. Some people get their kicks...
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #220  
Old 08-26-2011, 06:12 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Hahahahaha, oh Mags, that one is 'Tops' !

I`ve not had many doozies. I have to live vicariously. Though on Fet, I say I dont really want to friend 'friend collectors' and so,..guess what I get ?
I`ll be taking that statement down.
Duh @ me. On a kink site, and forgetting that people generally want to do, what they aren`t suppose to.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating, dating advice, dating dynamics, dating etiquette, dating sites, dating websites, internet dating, kissing frogs, meeting people, netiquette, okcupid, on line dating, online dating, online personals, vee is for me

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:52 PM.