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Old 08-24-2011, 01:41 PM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 19
Default Poly married to a Mono

I have a very high sex-drive and love deeply and passionately (perhaps too quickly sometimes). I have been in consensual nonmono relationships before. I never realised that there was a term for this, it just happened. As I progressed through other relationships where the man was mono I cheated all the time and convinced myself it was because I was with the wrong person. Then I met my husband. We have been together nine years (married four).

When we got together he knew my background in full and said that he was not prepared to share and if I cheated he would leave me. I believed that monogomy was the natural state of being and because he is 'the one' I thought that would be the end of my desires for other partners. This desire has never stopped and I am only now begining to come to terms with the fact that it never will.

The situation is further complicated, and my realisation delayed, because the sex with my husband has always been terrible: I thought it would get better and that my desires would go when it did. My husband has virtually no sex drive and no interest in kinky-play, for him even giving me oral sex is unpleasant. Even on the rare occasion we have penetrative sex (we once went two years without any) he has premature ejaculation issues. For the last two years we have been seeing a sex therapist but the situation has not improved.

The last few months I have been becoming more depressed and anxious about the situation. I have been feeling like there is something wrong with me, like I am a freak because I want sex and I like having relationships with more than one person at the same time. The desire for such relationships has never left and they are only getting stronger.

Last year I found out that there is a name for this feeling and I began to think that maybe I am poly. I kept dismissing it though because I thought that was not right, it isn't how marriage is meant to be. Then, last week I met a bunch of really cool people through a work colleague and it turns out they are all in poly relationships, some of them for over twenty years. It made me realise for certain that that is the lifestyle I want to lead, but I want to live it with my husband. I don't know what to do.

I have read lots of threads on this site and I know my situation will be going over all ground for many, but if there is any advice out there I would love to hear it!

Thank you

UPDATE: I have arranged to meet with a poly-therapist to discuss my own identity and this evening I told my husband this. He said that if I am definitely poly and need to explore that area, he cannot do it. He has said that we can go to a diferent sex therapist to see if someone else can help resolve that side of the relationship, obviously there are two separate issues here.

Last edited by transcendental; 08-24-2011 at 06:27 PM. Reason: Update
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