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  #11  
Old 08-23-2011, 06:31 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Originally Posted by Longing View Post
The next day he had craigslist profiles and within a week "sent" me to a mans house as a "trial". I was mortified.
How horrible! This is not poly, he was pimping you out.
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  #12  
Old 08-23-2011, 06:40 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Don't do anything you don't want to do just to keep your life script marriage. "Sending" you to another guy as a "trial" is not something a "friend" does to a friend.
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  #13  
Old 08-23-2011, 07:44 PM
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Yeah, that doesn't sound like polyAMORY. Where's the love? It just sounds like a guy obsessed with group sex. And being sneaky about it, to boot.

I don't understand why you'd need to give up a personal therapist you love, to be able to see a couples' counselor!
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  #14  
Old 08-23-2011, 08:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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My first response to the "sending" you to another man's house thing was the same as everyone else's -- how messed up! My second reaction was to think wait, it's not like people own their partners, it's not like you had to go, so why does he get the action verb (he "sent" you) versus highlighting your role in the action (he convinced you and you chose to go despite your misgivings)? Did he coerce you, or did you go along without letting him know the extent of your discomfort? Make sure you're owning your choices here. I don't mean to make you feel bad, what you described sounded really sad.
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  #15  
Old 08-23-2011, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
My first response to the "sending" you to another man's house thing was the same as everyone else's -- how messed up! My second reaction was to think wait, it's not like people own their partners, it's not like you had to go, so why does he get the action verb (he "sent" you) versus highlighting your role in the action (he convinced you and you chose to go despite your misgivings)? Did he coerce you, or did you go along without letting him know the extent of your discomfort? Make sure you're owning your choices here. I don't mean to make you feel bad, what you described sounded really sad.
I see what youre saying. Let me clarify:
I was going to our friends house to ask questions regarding open relationships. He is in one. My intention in going was to talk with someone other than my dh who would give solid "for" arguments. As I left was when dh told me to try being with him as a "trial" for myself. My dh was all huggy/kissy saying for me to try it out. It totally put a different emphasis on my trip and upset me but it wasn't the time to bring it all up to him right then as I was walking out.
Ultimately, it felt as though my intentions were to seek support in a friend and his were to send me on a test run.
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  #16  
Old 08-23-2011, 08:56 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Ugh, yeah, that is so not cool for him to spring on you. Just ew. I would be so mad if one of my partners tried to push me into someone else's arms... I get to choose if/when I'm comfortable enough to want that, not anyone else!
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  #17  
Old 08-23-2011, 09:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Longing View Post
I feel like I have to "accept" this because it will not ever just go away like he said. It's accept or divorce in my mind and I don't like my choices. it's not what I married into or choose for my life. I tried to go with it for him and couldn't. Failed miserably in fact! I'm just really at a loss that I am here again.
Divorce isn't always the worst thing that can happen. Emotionally wrenching, sure, but freedom to be who you are and create the life you want is bliss. It can be the worst thing any couple can do, to "stay married for the kids." Like it would be better for children to live in a home where the parents are at odds with each other and unhappy. Pshaw. Children are resilient.

Your husband has been exhibiting rather strange and questionable behavior. The miraculously appearing condom in his wallet makes me wonder if he's actually gone out and cheated on you, risking disease. If you feel like you will never be happy in this situation, you may well consider a separation or divorce, for your own mental well-being and safety.
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  #18  
Old 08-24-2011, 11:45 AM
Longing Longing is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I don't understand why you'd need to give up a personal therapist you love, to be able to see a couples' counselor!
it was something with my insurance. They will not pay for more than one counselor per person. They said we would have to choose one, individual counselors or a marriage counselor.

At this point I asked if I could go with him to his counselor figuring it might be less intimidating than coming with me to mine. I really just want help trying to understand what it is he wants from me so I can answer with understanding if I can do it or not.

His next appointment is a month away I came on here to give myself a way to try understanding more in the meantime or else I'll go crazy with the wait!

Im so thankful for the responses. I appreciate the kind words and suggestions!
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  #19  
Old 08-24-2011, 12:18 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Longing View Post
it was something with my insurance. They will not pay for more than one counselor per person. They said we would have to choose one, individual counselors or a marriage counselor.

At this point I asked if I could go with him to his counselor figuring it might be less intimidating than coming with me to mine. I really just want help trying to understand what it is he wants from me so I can answer with understanding if I can do it or not.

His next appointment is a month away I came on here to give myself a way to try understanding more in the meantime or else I'll go crazy with the wait!

Im so thankful for the responses. I appreciate the kind words and suggestions!

Wierd that they won't pay for both, lots of insurance will pay for individual and "family" therapy. And most therapists will bill the insurance for family therapy, even if it's a couple (who's to say how many it takes to be a family). If you asked your insurance company about "marraige" therapy specifically, then yes, they probably denied it. Try seeing if they cover family therapy, then find a therapist that will see you as a family.

Also, if you do couple's therapy, you should be seeing a NEW therapist, not going to his therapist, or him going to yours. It should be a separate new person who is not already engaged with either of you, in order for them to be more objective and for (hopefully) both people to be able to feel supported.

At this point I almost think it would be better to keep going to individual for a while. If you're not working on yourself and figuring out what you need and want to make you happy, then you're not going to be in a position to do the good work as a couple. But that's my very highly opinionated opinion.

I'm seeing a lot of behavior indicating low self-esteem, and that needs to be worked on for your own benefit, and only then can you give your full self to anybody -- whomever you might choose. And with a full, healthy self-esteem you might find your choices to be a bit different.
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  #20  
Old 08-24-2011, 07:58 PM
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This all sounds sad and depressing. I'm sorry you're going through all this....HOWEVER....My wife and I's experience was not so different. We had been married for about 7 years when sometyhing she said rang in my ears a bit. Being an over horny and under-sexed guy, I had to jump at the opportunity. She said she thought that my best friend at the time, was hot. Well, this all led into lots of fantasy talk in the bedroom. LOTS of communication, etc. I.e. Did she REALLY think he was hot in "that" way, would she do something wiht him if she were presented with the opportunity, etc etc. Well, eventually, one night, he was over at our house, she said she was going to have something to drink. I got up to get it with her. She said that she wouldn't mind sleeping with him. So....I took him to Taco Bell and asked him if he would be interested in going out with her and did he find her sexually atractive. He almost dropped his chin on the floor of the pick up. LOL Anyway, it eventually turned into 3 year relationship. After about 3 years, he told us one day that he was getting married and couldn't see my wife anymore. HUH!!???!?!? We didn't even know he had a girlfriend! Well, he got married, and requested that we not mention anything about our times together with him, to his (now) wife. We respected that request, but also lost a great friend in the process. It was sad and sucked, but led us to where we are today. We have been married for 20+ years and are openly poly.

My point is this: Had she not been honest with me about her feelings, I would not have been honest about mine. It would have been SUPER disasterous.

Be slow, and confident. He has opened up to you. Respect that and don't throw it away. Be honest with him. Let him know your fears. For my wife and I, we both had fears and still do. We have found the only way to get opver them, is to simply dive in and get wet. The fear may still be there...for a while. But the longer you survive w/o anyone leaving or divorcing, the more those fears rest and subside.

He is most likely not looking to "replace" you, but rather to add to his own personality and life experience. Remember, YOUR view of poly may not be his and visa versa. (Just like mine and my wife's doesn't match Magdlyn's or her's match ours.....but we still coexist...Right Mags? ) You need to talk with your DH and iron out some details. His absolute honesty is going to be key here...as well as yours. And COMMUNICATE! hope this helps.
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