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  #11  
Old 08-21-2011, 11:44 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi 0606,

I am getting a different impression than others here about the boundaries and pace you 3 are taking in this potential new relationship.

Yes, I totally get now that you are turned on to both people in this couple. But I do see that you are trying to rein in your sexual feelings and take Barbie's emotions and concerns seriously.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
Ken and I have talked about this and are leaning towards reigning in our own sexy talk and letting things move at her pace...
This is a common recommendation when a couple is new to poly and just opening things up. I bet Barbie and Ken have struggled for a while with his desires for other women. Now they have a person in their lives that both are attracted to, and they need to decide how to proceed, while still making sure Barbie feels valued and secure in her primary relationship.

Quote:
I only dabble in BDSM and am more interested in receiving commands than in being tortured. Ken told Barbie and I to make out and we did and it was hot...
I hope it was as hot for Barbie as it was for you and Ken. Sometimes we can get carried away sexually, but then when it's over go, "What was I thinking?" I hope she feels more valued than ever by Ken now, and not less.

I see you and Ken have been friends for quite a while. Even though you hadn't met Barbie before, had he told her before this camping trip that he's had a crush on you for quite a while?

Quote:
I read the xeromag link and thank you for it! Most of the topics covered have been brought up with our triad already.
Already? Good.

Quote:
One issue that came up was then Barbie made a decision to call everything off in a fight with Ken and I heard about this from Ken. Barbie had been flirting with me...
Here is where I think other posters are missing something in the dynamic. Barbie is sexually attracted to you, it's not just Ken.

Quote:
...and I said something to set her off about Ken and I being hot for each other. I felt objectified and disrespected to hear about this from Ken. Fortunately Ken convinced her to call me and talk because I was upset, so she did and we talked. Now she and I are more hot for each other than ever!
I am glad you told them that you felt hurt they'd been discussing you. I mean, that is common in new triads, that the established couple gets to talk over the relationship while the unicorn is left out. Nice that you put your oar in, told them both and it helped to further your relationship with Barbie, inducing more warm sexy feelings (and hopefully, trust) not less.


Quote:
The man has plenty of redeemable qualities. We have been friends and have very easy conversations. One example of this is today on the phone the topic of our lust came up, and how it affects Barbie. He had meditated on his lustfulness and dismissed his expectations and is focusing on the fond memory of our camping trip.
OK, he is trying to tame his cock and think with his big head. But--

Quote:
I am soooo happy to have heard that. He and I are 100% on the same page, and we can say "I love you" and know that it does not mean we want to run away together.
"I love you"? Already? I know you and he have been friends for a while, but, what does this new "love" mean to you? Do you 2 have a real shot at a future? Is it just "I like you (as a friend) and wanna bone you," or something much more?


Quote:
Unfortunately though, Ken and I feel we cannot say "I love you" or even express passion for each other around Barbie right now. We'd both like to get to a place where that is acceptable. We are not deceiving her about our attraction...
Attraction, yes, but love? He's one of those "old guys" you'd playfully slap away one week ago, but now all of a sudden it's love?

Quote:
... and she says she does not want anyone to walk on eggshells, but "tact" is a word that keeps coming up with regards to Ken and I wanting to fuck. I have censored myself with her.
Again, good. Take her feelings of her relationship with Ken being threatened seriously. Be kind. This is huge for her.

Quote:
She has become more open with me talking about her sex problems with Ken.
And what would those be? His desires for other women? If she's known about that for a while, months or years, she is being very brave in taking a risk at letting him actually act on his desires, and see what it does to their relationship.

Quote:
She and I sent dirty texts all morning
Again, I think other posters are missing this. She has sexual desires for you as well, it's not just Ken wanting you.

Quote:
and when I brought up figuring out how/if Ken fits into us she said we should play it by ear. I suggested she and I get together alone to set boundaries. I am afraid that she would misinterpret the sexual chemistry Ken and I have as a threat to their relationship and have told her she is the one who gets to set the rules with him and me.

It's good to go at the pace of the most reluctant member. She can set some boundaries for now, after negotiating and compromising with you and Ken. The feelings of all 3 of you have to be taken into account. But there is no harm in slowing down... taking baby steps. Each sexual step will bring new feelings that need to be considered and accounted for by 3 people.

Quote:
She asked if she and I could have sex alone first to see if she "just needs a female in the mix".
OK, sex or not, it's great you and she are forging your own relationship. That's something people new to a triad unicorn don't often get. The established couple is not a package deal. They are both unique individuals and have their very own thoughts and feelings about you. So many unicorn hunters seem to insist all sex has to be 3ways, to avoid jealousy, but it's healthier for each of them to have one on one time with their unicorn. Not just sex, but dates, talks, cuddles, doing ordinary day to day activities together like grocery shopping and cooking, to see if you're a good match, not just in the bedroom but in all areas of your life. That's what love is, a desire for their mind, their viewpoints, as an enrichment to your life in all areas.

Quote:
It turned me on and I'm excited at the possibility but still have some hesitations about whether she is being forthright with her thoughts and feelings. I will certainly share with her the rights of the secondary when we meet. Right now she is out of town for work.

Thank you again for your input, suggestions and links.
Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 08-21-2011, 01:51 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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No, I acknowledged that there might be aspects of the scenario that excite Barbie. But being aroused or excited by the idea of a threesome does not equate to a desired to open your relationship up or become poly. Sounds like she is indulging in a little fantasy talk.
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  #13  
Old 08-21-2011, 06:33 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Slightly off-topic, but still related.

I must say, I am really starting to see what 'unicorns' go through, reading some of the stories here.

I admit, I didn`t pay a whole lot of notice before, as my hubby and I never really had a interest in getting ONE woman to commit to a whole lotta crap on our behalf.
I now see a reason for the secondary bill of rights. Seems many couples prefer young women, who haven`t done this before.

********
I think cranberrystardust offers some valid points to the OP for consideration. Regardless if she is pulling from her own experience or not, it is all worthwhile for her to mention to the OP. We all use our personal experience when giving advice.
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  #14  
Old 08-21-2011, 06:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post

I must say, I am really starting to see what 'unicorns' go through, reading some of the stories here.
We've had a flood of unicorns and unicorn hunters the past few weeks! I'm trying to tag all of them so they can help each other out.
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  #15  
Old 08-21-2011, 07:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
We've had a flood of unicorns and unicorn hunters the past few weeks! I'm trying to tag all of them so they can help each other out.
Yeah, I've been noticing this myself. Is it just a random spike, or has the idea of poly (at least in the committed couple plus one sense) percolated into the public consciousness in such a way that more and more people are finding their way into interesting threesome entanglements involving both the heart and the bed?
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  #16  
Old 08-22-2011, 05:10 AM
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I haven't read what others have posted, so I might add later, but here is my thoughts on your first post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
Things progressed from there, and Barbie gave us permission to have sex but Ken refused because Barbie was wasted when she said that. We were all completely plastered. Ken and I were worked up and steamrolled Barbie with sexual pressure. I sensed she was not as hot and Ken and I, so I excused myself and we had normal interactions for the rest of the weekend.
Good call on not doin' it! Good for you... this could of made for a REALLY awkward weekend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
I am being forced to learn tact because of our different communication styles.
This is a bit of a red flag to me as it could get really crazy and you could get in a situation where you could get really hurt if you don't communicate the same way or at least similarly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
She feels threatened that there is a chance Ken could fall in love with me and want to run away.

He asked me if "theoretically" he were to come over after work, without Barbie, just to see me, would I be receptive. I told him anything we did together that hurt Barbie would make me hate myself and hate him. He has alluded to things like this twice and I have shot him down. Am I in denial that his libido is manageable and not to be taken seriously? How should I address this?
Its pretty common to feel threatened that she might lose him. This is also a red flag area for me... he is reaching out to you for sex, not love... she is even worried that "he might fall in love with you." Ya, pretty clear that he "doesn't" if he "might."

Again, good for you holding him back! I am really impressed with your firm handle on this situation. No, his libido is likely not in control... I would stay clear of him until the moment is right, if at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
Part of me is afraid this adventure will cause me to lose my boyfriend and my new couple if I'm not careful. My boyfriend/exboyfriend is concerned that I may be putting him at risk for STDs and that's justified. Ken has a risky roving cock.
Really good question... he has a roaming cock that doesn't practice safe sex? Ya, another good indication that he just wants to fuck you and will do anything to do so.... notch in the bed. yup, red flag.

I think I would use this energy for you and the boyfriend of which you speak and go that route personally.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
I am feeling blessed for this experience to grow in my primary relationship.
good perspective... it sounds like you and the BF are more of a sure thing. This little encounter where nothing happened has just been exacerbated by the fact that nothing happened... I would wonder that if he got to have sex with you if he would be stick around after.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
Barbie and Ken tell me that I am the best thing that's happened to their sex life in years.
Yup, I bet. And what is in this for you...? it doesn't seem like much other than some hot sex with a dirty cock. Ha! that is how I would see it anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
They are not in an open relationship but Ken's roving cock has forced the topic up lately.
Again with the roaming cock... he cheated in other words? Ya, he has no idea how poly works. In my experience of cheating it becomes REALLY easy to have empathy for others. Cheating is easy when no one knows about it... it eats away at the good part of a person in side and creates selfishness I think (and have experienced). He is thinking with his cock and thinking like a cheater, not about you or how wonderful you are AS A PERSON. Just about how delicious it would be to stick his cock in you. If you are okay with that, fine, but seeing it like it is might help... at least this is how I see it (having experienced some shit in my 41 years).
Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
It seems like we are walking a path toward polygyny and perhaps a scenario where Ken's cock is satisfied and Barbie doesn't feel threatened and I'm a total sex kitten with a sexy girlfriend to play dress up with. That would be amazing.
No you aren't. Sorry, but no you aren't. You are walking a path to being a play thing for their pleasure and likely will be tossed aside once you have all gotten off a few times. Again, if you are cool with that, great... just try not to read into it in the way you have been thinking of it.
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  #17  
Old 08-22-2011, 05:29 AM
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So I read everything; thoughts.... you are not a unicorn if you are planning of continuing and working on a relationship with the bf you just parted with, who is coming to stay with you.... unicorns have an agreement to never go out side of the relationship with the couple they are with. This is a possible triad. I'm not sure why "unicorn" got stuck in there.... quite different. Actually, this to me is a 3 way waiting to happen and that is about it. Triads are far more than sex.

I still foresee this as a great time fucking. And nothing more. I might be wrong, its just that I have seen far too many people come through here and it end up that way. This is not unusual at all. Perhaps I will be wrong, time will tell.

My gut is telling me that she is going to flip out. Maybe not now, but later when he wants you really bad and she is a side line tag along that is not as interesting as you... because she is the established relationship.

If you passed old guys off before and passed him off before I don't see that as friendship personally. I see that as some guy you snow boarded with that had the hots for you that might now get his wish come true. That to me is not love and what a poly relationship makes.... that's just me though.
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  #18  
Old 09-26-2011, 08:57 AM
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/newth...postthread&f=4
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  #19  
Old 09-27-2011, 04:40 AM
opo0606 opo0606 is offline
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Default An update from the OP

We continued taking things slow. After about a month the three of us had a casual movie night that turned into more.

We still have some concerns but the organic nature of the experience has taken the lead, dissolving doubts when we are all face to face. There is trust, respect, passion, and love between us.

Thank you so much for the things to ponder. I doubt this would have happened without you responders! The three of us are agreed that this is the best threesome we have ever experienced cumulatively and the only word to describe the experience so far is surreal.

Barbie and I are getting tested together in a few weeks just for awareness and Ken was tested recently. I'm really happy!
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  #20  
Old 09-27-2011, 06:23 AM
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I have some concerns with the OP's comments hinting at Ken's roving and Barbie's hangups. Others commented on each, but no further details emerged. The concern that Ken is not a master if his genitals is very valid. This is both a health concern because of potential diseases but also an emotional concern if his penis is calling the shots. (*rimshot*)

The original mention of Barbie's hangups made me think more of what her preferences or experiences are as a lover more than what her issues with poly/open might be. There's no actual reason I'd get that sensation, but it was there.

Given the OP's good news update, I'm not going to prod at either further. If what you have is working for all involved, then I wish you the best going forward.
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