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  #141  
Old 08-11-2011, 05:13 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So got to chat with hubs today which was nice. Sometimes I forget what his voice sounds like!

A week from today he'll be flying to VA and then checking out there, so hopefully home Friday night OR Saturday morning sometime. I'm making plans accordingly, knowing they are going to be fluid... gotta leave room for them to change.

I figure if he can't come Friday and it's saturday, then I get to go to one last yoga session on Friday, and have time to get gussied up! Gotta look at the bright side of everything, right?

This is his last weekend where he is, so he and the GF are obviously going to be spending most of it together. We talked about that briefly-- and a bit gingerly I think as it's been kind of raw for both of us, but it was good. I truly am okay with things... they might not be my preference, but I'm not upset or anything. I think she thinks I hate her.. and I don't. Im in a between place, where I have empathy for her situation, yet have retained a strong boundary about her not being in my life at all. It's kind of a wierd spot, but not bad. We can't all be fast friends in the world, and just because hubs clicked with her doesn't mean I have to or will. But I do wish her well.

I am, though, very much looking forward to having him home, and having the chance to get to enjoy being us for a while. We haven't REALLY gotten to do that in several years... so it's been a long time coming. I feel like I deserve to have that time now.

And though we have a lot of work to do on us, I'm in no rush. It's wierd, but I feel like all of the work and realizations and things I've been doing about myself have brought me to a much more calm place. I feel like I'm starting to really GET how to be supportive for those I love, but not feel responsible for making them happy or fixing things FOR them. They have to do that themselves because they want to-- it's not my job, not my responsibility, not even something I really CAN do. In a way it's like a big giant weight has been lifted off of me.

When I started counseling (again!) a few months ago, my counselor asked me about that. What would happen if I just let them take care of things themselves? (meaning my daughter and hubs mostly). And at the time I felt like if I wasn't there to help them that things would all fall apart. And frankly, sometimes that might be true! But they are both adults, and they both need to learn how to handle thier own stuff. I can support that, and be there if they need me, but I don't have to constantly be on the lookout for things that may hurt them. Yes, they might get hurt. But how else do we learn, but by trying things, doing things, suffering consequences, reaping rewards? Who am I to take that gift away from them?

OK, enough philosophizing...
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  #142  
Old 08-15-2011, 09:13 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So a new week!! I am very excited as hubs is coming home this weekend, though I still don't know for sure what day (Fri or Sat) and won't know that until Friday at some point. LOL, gotta love the military...

This week is CRAZY busy for me. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed and just take each day one thing at a time. The weekend will be nice, though, relaxing and hubs home, so that will be worth it!

This weekend I got a chance to meet up with SNeacail for lunch. It was a nice time! We discussed all kinds of things, hubs and kids and such.

The only downside is no yoga this week. :-( Just can't fit it in with everything I have to do. Oh well... just have to get right back into it next week!
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  #143  
Old 08-15-2011, 09:15 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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It was really nice meeting up for lunch and talking. Kinda scary how similar our husbands are .
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  #144  
Old 08-15-2011, 09:24 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It was really nice meeting up for lunch and talking. Kinda scary how similar our husbands are .
LOL, I know! I'm telling you us women with partners with ADD need to get together more often! They are such wonderful, fun people, but when it comes down to getting things done-- can be interesting!!
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  #145  
Old 08-16-2011, 02:36 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So I'm feeling very reflective today. Hubs and I hadn't been good in a long time. The goal for this year was to do couple's counseling, which got derailed when he got sent across the country unexpectedly. During this time, even though we were so far apart, we did do a lot of work on us, AND I got the opportunity to learn a lot about myself.

With him coming home in a few days I've really been thinking about those changes.

So ... what I've learned this year:

1) I need to be my own person, and my husband needs to be his own person. I love him and like being with him, but he can't be the center of my existence. It's not healthy for me, and it puts too much pressure on him. In the past few months I've REALLY separated myself from the wierd enmeshed relationship we have had. It's been odd, but good.

2) The problems hubs and I have had in the past have nothing to do with poly, or seeing other people, and everything to do with ADD behaviors and my responses (mostly emotional) to them. This isn't to say I blame ADD for everything... only that many of the things he does are due to the way his brain works differently, and many of the issues we've had are both with him behaving in these ways and with my overemotional, taking it personally reaction to that. Instead of being realistic about who we are and what we can give/do/be to each other, I was "shoulding" us. He "should" do X. I shouldn't feel Y. Etc. ad nauseum. I'm done with that and it's helped a lot. And in learning about ADD I've been able to learn more about how he works, so that I can work with it in a better, more positive way.

3) I have a lot of anxiety. I am a worrier, and tend to overthink things, see the bad stuff that can happen and worry about things out of my control. Now that I see that behavior in myself, I am working to let go of things I cannot control, and do things that mitigate my anxiety to some extent (like yoga). I'm also learning to let the people in my life take care of themselves more, instead of me thinking I need to help them all of the time. There is going to be some fallout from this, in that while I love them, the people in my life don't think ahead too much, but I'm done taking that burden on myself.

4) I don't have to like the people hubs dates. I don't really EVEN have to respect them, though I still need to treat them respectfully. Chances are, I will never be able to have that "close friendship" type of relationship with soemone he dates-- simply because he chooses people who are completely and totally not people I relate to at all, or would enjoy being around for any length of time. And that's okay. I think it's harder on him because he wants everyone to get along and talk, but he's going to have to live with it.

5) I am a pretty decent person, and need to stop underestimating myself and my "worth" to other people. I have always done this, and it's tiring and I'm done with it.

It's been a lot of personal work, and a lot of epiphanies. All of this will be challenged a bit when he comes home. I'm not the same person he left. I'm not even the same person he saw 7 weeks ago. This is going to be a bit confusing when we're back to seeing each other every day and trying to work together on things as we've been living completely separate lives for most of the past few years.

Should be interesting!

Last edited by Minxxa; 08-16-2011 at 05:01 PM.
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  #146  
Old 08-19-2011, 07:48 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So found out this morning that hubs WILL be home tonight.

Trying to get through work (2-1/2 more hours), then off to yoga and then prepping for the weekend. We're spending a couple of days at a hotel... our house is WAY too tiny for a reunion with two kidlets in the house!

I'm excited... and a bit antsy. And really feel like just doing a little dance singing "I'm gonna get la---id!!"
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  #147  
Old 08-20-2011, 06:21 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Enjoy!
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  #148  
Old 08-20-2011, 07:03 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Congrats on all the awesome, hard work you've been doing!
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  #149  
Old 08-21-2011, 02:16 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hope you're having fun, Minxxa.

Funny vid by Lonely Island, I Just Had SEX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, 60, poly-dating, and loving and living with
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  #150  
Old 08-21-2011, 03:37 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hope you're having fun, Minxxa.

Funny vid by Lonely Island, I Just Had SEX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o
Hope you and the hubby are having some much needed couple time, Minxxa.

That video is hilarious, Mags.
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