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Old 08-21-2011, 11:44 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Hi 0606,

I am getting a different impression than others here about the boundaries and pace you 3 are taking in this potential new relationship.

Yes, I totally get now that you are turned on to both people in this couple. But I do see that you are trying to rein in your sexual feelings and take Barbie's emotions and concerns seriously.

Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
Ken and I have talked about this and are leaning towards reigning in our own sexy talk and letting things move at her pace...
This is a common recommendation when a couple is new to poly and just opening things up. I bet Barbie and Ken have struggled for a while with his desires for other women. Now they have a person in their lives that both are attracted to, and they need to decide how to proceed, while still making sure Barbie feels valued and secure in her primary relationship.

I only dabble in BDSM and am more interested in receiving commands than in being tortured. Ken told Barbie and I to make out and we did and it was hot...
I hope it was as hot for Barbie as it was for you and Ken. Sometimes we can get carried away sexually, but then when it's over go, "What was I thinking?" I hope she feels more valued than ever by Ken now, and not less.

I see you and Ken have been friends for quite a while. Even though you hadn't met Barbie before, had he told her before this camping trip that he's had a crush on you for quite a while?

I read the xeromag link and thank you for it! Most of the topics covered have been brought up with our triad already.
Already? Good.

One issue that came up was then Barbie made a decision to call everything off in a fight with Ken and I heard about this from Ken. Barbie had been flirting with me...
Here is where I think other posters are missing something in the dynamic. Barbie is sexually attracted to you, it's not just Ken.

...and I said something to set her off about Ken and I being hot for each other. I felt objectified and disrespected to hear about this from Ken. Fortunately Ken convinced her to call me and talk because I was upset, so she did and we talked. Now she and I are more hot for each other than ever!
I am glad you told them that you felt hurt they'd been discussing you. I mean, that is common in new triads, that the established couple gets to talk over the relationship while the unicorn is left out. Nice that you put your oar in, told them both and it helped to further your relationship with Barbie, inducing more warm sexy feelings (and hopefully, trust) not less.

The man has plenty of redeemable qualities. We have been friends and have very easy conversations. One example of this is today on the phone the topic of our lust came up, and how it affects Barbie. He had meditated on his lustfulness and dismissed his expectations and is focusing on the fond memory of our camping trip.
OK, he is trying to tame his cock and think with his big head. But--

I am soooo happy to have heard that. He and I are 100% on the same page, and we can say "I love you" and know that it does not mean we want to run away together.
"I love you"? Already? I know you and he have been friends for a while, but, what does this new "love" mean to you? Do you 2 have a real shot at a future? Is it just "I like you (as a friend) and wanna bone you," or something much more?

Unfortunately though, Ken and I feel we cannot say "I love you" or even express passion for each other around Barbie right now. We'd both like to get to a place where that is acceptable. We are not deceiving her about our attraction...
Attraction, yes, but love? He's one of those "old guys" you'd playfully slap away one week ago, but now all of a sudden it's love?

... and she says she does not want anyone to walk on eggshells, but "tact" is a word that keeps coming up with regards to Ken and I wanting to fuck. I have censored myself with her.
Again, good. Take her feelings of her relationship with Ken being threatened seriously. Be kind. This is huge for her.

She has become more open with me talking about her sex problems with Ken.
And what would those be? His desires for other women? If she's known about that for a while, months or years, she is being very brave in taking a risk at letting him actually act on his desires, and see what it does to their relationship.

She and I sent dirty texts all morning
Again, I think other posters are missing this. She has sexual desires for you as well, it's not just Ken wanting you.

and when I brought up figuring out how/if Ken fits into us she said we should play it by ear. I suggested she and I get together alone to set boundaries. I am afraid that she would misinterpret the sexual chemistry Ken and I have as a threat to their relationship and have told her she is the one who gets to set the rules with him and me.

It's good to go at the pace of the most reluctant member. She can set some boundaries for now, after negotiating and compromising with you and Ken. The feelings of all 3 of you have to be taken into account. But there is no harm in slowing down... taking baby steps. Each sexual step will bring new feelings that need to be considered and accounted for by 3 people.

She asked if she and I could have sex alone first to see if she "just needs a female in the mix".
OK, sex or not, it's great you and she are forging your own relationship. That's something people new to a triad unicorn don't often get. The established couple is not a package deal. They are both unique individuals and have their very own thoughts and feelings about you. So many unicorn hunters seem to insist all sex has to be 3ways, to avoid jealousy, but it's healthier for each of them to have one on one time with their unicorn. Not just sex, but dates, talks, cuddles, doing ordinary day to day activities together like grocery shopping and cooking, to see if you're a good match, not just in the bedroom but in all areas of your life. That's what love is, a desire for their mind, their viewpoints, as an enrichment to your life in all areas.

It turned me on and I'm excited at the possibility but still have some hesitations about whether she is being forthright with her thoughts and feelings. I will certainly share with her the rights of the secondary when we meet. Right now she is out of town for work.

Thank you again for your input, suggestions and links.
Good luck!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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