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Old 08-20-2011, 02:08 PM
opo0606 opo0606 is offline
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Default Falling In

Hello!

I'm opo0606, new to the community, 24/F. Last week if someone had asked my orientation I would have said perhaps bicurious, or monogamously inclined. For the past two years have been in a monogamous heterosexual LDR. We agreed to be single last month and have both started meeting new people and having exciting adventures. A dramatic shift from jealousy to compersion is happening for me and also seems to be happening for my boyfriend. We are "broken up" but our relationship feels stronger than ever and he is coming to visit me next week. He knows everything I am about to write here for you.

My snowboarding buddy "Ken" has had a crush on me since before I remember meeting him. I've never felt attracted to him, and as a young and cute girl I often swat older men with lustful stares away with a laugh. This man did not stand out in any way to me other than being especially thoughtful and kind, with an especially lustful stare.

Last weekend I went camping with a group of friends and Ken and his girlfriend "Barbie" were present. I had never met Barbie before and I just thought she and Ken were the cutest couple ever, totally fit for each other with matching style and complimentary personalities. When they weren't around I thought about them, wanted to get to know her better. Ken gave me a massage and it made me a bit uncomfortable because he got a boner so I ran off. I was uncomfortable because I did not know his relationship status with Barbie.

Eventually, we all wound up laying in Ken's van on a comfortable sleep pad in a cuddle puddle. Ken was feeling me up and I quite liked it but felt compelled to call out, "Hey Barbie, are you guys in an open relationship? Because Ken is totally feeling up my ass right now."

Things progressed from there, and Barbie gave us permission to have sex but Ken refused because Barbie was wasted when she said that. We were all completely plastered. Ken and I were worked up and steamrolled Barbie with sexual pressure. I sensed she was not as hot and Ken and I, so I excused myself and we had normal interactions for the rest of the weekend.

Ken has called me every day, and Barbie and have also talked every day. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

At first, all I could think about was Ken and sex. Going from no attraction to thinking of nothing but sex with him after one night of making out in the woods felt insane.

Then I talked to Barbie. We talk at length on the phone and now she has become my spiritual muse, guiding me towards personal growth through our enlightening and frank discussions about romance, family, us, and everything. I am being forced to learn tact because of our different communication styles.

I want nothing more than to put her in my dresses and cuddle with her, kiss her and pet her hair. She is beautiful, strong, wise, angry, grounded. We are both capricorns born 2 days and 10 years apart (she is elder). The speed things have progressed is ridiculous. Today is Friday and we met last Saturday. We have cried, the two have fought, and the two tell me about nights spent making love and talking about ME. They send me romantic messages.

I want Ken to dominate us. I talk to Ken about this, and he talks to Barbie about this and she tells me how silly it is that Ken suddenly wants to be sexually adventurous in this way he has never been before. She feels threatened that there is a chance Ken could fall in love with me and want to run away. He asked me if "theoretically" he were to come over after work, without Barbie, just to see me, would I be receptive. I told him anything we did together that hurt Barbie would make me hate myself and hate him. He has alluded to things like this twice and I have shot him down. Am I in denial that his libido is manageable and not to be taken seriously? How should I address this?

Right now Barbie and I have agreed to build a friendship with each other and set aside the sexual pressure Ken boils up. We had a very difficult day because Barbie blew up - she had not confessed her fears, insecurities and doubts and we pressured her. She said some hurtful things that I have forgotten. We talked it out. Now it feels stronger. She says she doesn't want to say no to this and wants to get to know me better. I have had to tell Ken to put a bag of ice in his pants to relieve the pressure so she and I can build a friendship.

Part of me is afraid this adventure will cause me to lose my boyfriend and my new couple if I'm not careful. My boyfriend/exboyfriend is concerned that I may be putting him at risk for STDs and that's justified. Ken has a risky roving cock.

Things are up in the air - will it happen? Will it not? Either way, I am feeling blessed for this experience to grow in my primary relationship. Barbie and Ken tell me that I am the best thing that's happened to their sex life in years. My frankness has opened up their communication about sex. They are not in an open relationship but Ken's roving cock has forced the topic up lately. It seems like we are walking a path toward polygyny and perhaps a scenario where Ken's cock is satisfied and Barbie doesn't feel threatened and I'm a total sex kitten with a sexy girlfriend to play dress up with. That would be amazing.

Advice, criticism, questions - all is welcome and I am happy to make your acquaintance.

- opo0606
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  #2  
Old 08-20-2011, 06:52 PM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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OK well here is my input. I am mono but open to the idea of poly. I started dating this girl about 4 months ago. She had a fwb that she saw at dance events randomly throughout the year. I told her I would be open to the idea. We have recently decide to make our relationship her primary one. Honesty and being open up front is the best thing. You have to concentrate a lot on your primary relationship. If it isn't for them, then you have to rethink things. Don't push it on them. This is what I kept reminding her. Give me my time to move through this at my pace. Be there for your partner. Remind them that they are important to you and that you aren't in a relationship. This is what I needed. Once we decided that we are going to be together, things are easier. This happened yesterday. She is currently at an event with him right now and I couldn't be calmer. Just talk with them and show them the direction to places to read. Jealousy is my biggest issue. I am doing a lot of reading on it. If they want to stay mono it can still work. Any questions let me know. I am new to this and willing to share my experience thus far.
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Old 08-20-2011, 08:05 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
Hello!

I'm opo0606, new to the community, 24/F.
Welcome to the board. I must say you are the most outspoken and level headed unicorn we have seen here in a while. (unicorn-- hot bi babe in a triad with a primary couple, rare beasts)

Quote:
Last week if someone had asked my orientation I would have said perhaps bicurious, or monogamously inclined. For the past two years have been in a monogamous heterosexual LDR. We agreed to be single last month...
Why? Had you been living together? Is he still nearby?

Quote:
and have both started meeting new people and having exciting adventures. A dramatic shift from jealousy to compersion is happening for me and also seems to be happening for my boyfriend. We are "broken up" but our relationship feels stronger than ever and he is coming to visit me next week. He knows everything I am about to write here for you.
OK, so you haven't broken up so much as opened your relationship?

How long have Ken and Barbie been together? Do they have or want kids? Do you all live nearby each other, so frequent meetups are possible? Do you live alone? Do you have kids? How old is everyone? Does your primary know and like Ken?

Quote:
My snowboarding buddy "Ken" has had a crush on me since before I remember meeting him...

Last weekend I went camping with a group of friends... Ken gave me a massage and it made me a bit uncomfortable because he got a boner so I ran off. I was uncomfortable because I did not know his relationship status with Barbie.

...Ken was feeling me up and I quite liked it but felt compelled to call out, "Hey Barbie, are you guys in an open relationship?..."

Things progressed from there, and Barbie gave us permission to have sex but Ken refused because Barbie was wasted when she said that. We were all completely plastered. Ken and I were worked up and steamrolled Barbie with sexual pressure. I sensed she was not as hot and Ken and I, so I excused myself and we had normal interactions for the rest of the weekend.
Good to have put the brakes on when you were all out of your minds.

Quote:
Ken has called me every day, and Barbie and have also talked every day. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

At first, all I could think about was Ken and sex. Going from no attraction to thinking of nothing but sex with him after one night of making out in the woods felt insane.
Hormones will do that to a person.

Quote:

Then I talked to Barbie. We talk at length on the phone and now she has become my spiritual muse...

... The speed things have progressed is ridiculous. Today is Friday and we met last Saturday. We have cried, the two have fought, and the two tell me about nights spent making love and talking about ME. They send me romantic messages.
OK, fantasizing about both of them having sex with you is turning them on. NRE (new relationship energy) abounds.

Quote:
I want Ken to dominate us. I talk to Ken about this, and he talks to Barbie about this and she tells me how silly it is that Ken suddenly wants to be sexually adventurous in this way he has never been before.
Oh! So you're a sub and into BDSM, but they've never tried it, and you want to jump right into that after barely getting to know them? I mean I know Ken's been a buddy for a while, but not a sex/love interest til just last weekend. She thinks this is "silly?" Can you tell me what is silly about it?

Quote:
She feels threatened that there is a chance Ken could fall in love with me and want to run away.
Extremely common, almost universal, feeling when a couple opens their relationship for the first time.

Quote:
He asked me if "theoretically" he were to come over after work, without Barbie, just to see me, would I be receptive. I told him anything we did together that hurt Barbie would make me hate myself and hate him.
Good for you for again putting on the brakes!

Quote:
He has alluded to things like this twice and I have shot him down. Am I in denial that his libido is manageable and not to be taken seriously? How should I address this?
It might not *be* manageable. Men think with their cocks. It drains blood oxygen from their bigger heads and they do and say really, really stupid things. Lie, manipulate, misrepresent their intentions, anything to get in your pants.

Quote:
Right now Barbie and I have agreed to build a friendship with each other and set aside the sexual pressure Ken boils up. We had a very difficult day because Barbie blew up - she had not confessed her fears, insecurities and doubts and we pressured her. She said some hurtful things that I have forgotten. We talked it out. Now it feels stronger. She says she doesn't want to say no to this and wants to get to know me better. I have had to tell Ken to put a bag of ice in his pants to relieve the pressure so she and I can build a friendship.
LOL Sounds like you two women are in charge and he better rein it in. If they are fantasizing about you while having sex, sexy texting you and getting themselves off, maybe they should stop that for a while until all 3 of you negotiate what you want out of this relationship in as calm and cool a way as possible.

Read this for yourself for starters, the Secondary's Bill of Rights:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html#bor

Read the books Opening Up, and The Ethical Slut.

Quote:
Part of me is afraid this adventure will cause me to lose my boyfriend and my new couple if I'm not careful. My boyfriend/exboyfriend is concerned that I may be putting him at risk for STDs and that's justified. Ken has a risky roving cock.
Safe(r) sex is the only way to go when one is poly! Your primary is quite right to be concerned. If you and he are, and have decided to remain, fluid bonded, both of you need to use condoms with other partners. The risk for STD transmission is lower with oral sex, but if you don't trust Ken to have really been mono with Barbie for the past several months (ask for them both to get tested), you might not want to engage in oral sex with either of them, either.

Quote:
Things are up in the air - will it happen? Will it not? Either way, I am feeling blessed for this experience to grow in my primary relationship. Barbie and Ken tell me that I am the best thing that's happened to their sex life in years. My frankness has opened up their communication about sex. They are not in an open relationship but Ken's roving cock has forced the topic up lately.
One red flag is that it seems Barbie wants friendship with you, but Ken only wants sex. It's not poly if it's just fucking around. Do you just wanna fuck Ken, or does he have redeeming qualities as a potential boyfriend as well?

Quote:
It seems like we are walking a path toward polygyny...
Actually it's called a triad (if all 3 people are involved sexually and on a more or less equal basis), or a V (if Ken is fucking both of you, but you and Barbie are just friends). Polygyny assumes marriage, and usually just the man gets to have sex with both women, the women don't fuck, or fool around with, each other.

Quote:
...and perhaps a scenario where Ken's cock is satisfied and Barbie doesn't feel threatened and I'm a total sex kitten with a sexy girlfriend to play dress up with. That would be amazing.
Well... You're all turned on and flattered now, but just try and read up here and on xeromag and in those books I mentioned. There can be many pitfalls. Barbie's already simmering fears about Ken leaving her are an indication of this.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #4  
Old 08-20-2011, 08:45 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Mag's advice above is right on target. And major kudos to you for slowing things down! That was totally the right instinct to keep it all from blowing up in your faces. Definitely read some if the stuff on the xeromag site that Mag linked, it's the best resource that I've seen out there. Encourage them to read it too. Keep it going nice and slow, build the friendship and DEFINITELY practice safe sex for the time being. Try to keep your life balanced and don't neglect your sort-of-ex during this crazy time if you think you might really want to build something with him.

Best of luck!!
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:15 PM
opo0606 opo0606 is offline
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Default Thanks for the response :-)

Hi Magdlyn,

Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful and thought provoking response. I'm a big fan of TL;DR writing and I'm glad it appears you are too.

Quote:
you are the most outspoken and level headed unicorn we have seen here in a while.
I will take this as a compliment! Barbie has not appreciated some candid things I have said about having the hots for her boyfriend. It has inspired her fears about us running away together. Ken and I have talked about this and are leaning towards reigning in our own sexy talk and letting things move at her pace.

My boyfriend lives in Seattle and I live in the San Francisco area. The only reason we broke up was the distance and now it does seem we are "opening up" but have not reached a definition. Ken and Barbie have been together for 4 years, they share a loft and Ken says he could see them getting married one day. My boyfriend does not know Ken personally and has only said that he is happy that I am happy.

Quote:
Oh! So you're a sub and into BDSM, but they've never tried it, and you want to jump right into that after barely getting to know them? I mean I know Ken's been a buddy for a while, but not a sex/love interest til just last weekend. She thinks this is "silly?" Can you tell me what is silly about it?
I only dabble in BDSM and am more interested in receiving commands than in being tortured. Ken told Barbie and I to make out and we did and it was hot. She meant it was silly in a humorous way from what I can tell.

I read the xeromag link and thank you for it! Most of the topics covered have been brought up with our triad already. One issue that came up was then Barbie made a decision to call everything off in a fight with Ken and I heard about this from Ken. Barbie had been flirting with me and I said something to set her off about Ken and I being hot for each other. I felt objectified and disrespected to hear about this from Ken. Fortunately Ken convinced her to call me and talk because I was upset, so she did and we talked. Now she and I are more hot for each other than ever!

Quote:
One red flag is that it seems Barbie wants friendship with you, but Ken only wants sex. It's not poly if it's just fucking around. Do you just wanna fuck Ken, or does he have redeeming qualities as a potential boyfriend as well?
The man has plenty of redeemable qualities. We have been friends and have very easy conversations. One example of this is today on the phone the topic of our lust came up, and how it affects Barbie. He had meditated on his lustfulness and dismissed his expectations and is focusing on the fond memory of our camping trip. I am soooo happy to have heard that. He and I are 100% on the same page, and we can say "I love you" and know that it does not mean we want to run away together.

Quote:
There can be many pitfalls. Barbie's already simmering fears about Ken leaving her are an indication of this.
Unfortunately though, Ken and I feel we cannot say "I love you" or even express passion for each other around Barbie right now. We'd both like to get to a place where that is acceptable. We are not deceiving her about our attraction, and she says she does not want anyone to walk on eggshells, but "tact" is a word that keeps coming up with regards to Ken and I wanting to fuck. I have censored myself with her. She has become more open with me talking about her sex problems with Ken.

She and I sent dirty texts all morning and when I brought up figuring out how/if Ken fits into us she said we should play it by ear. I suggested she and I get together alone to set boundaries. I am afraid that she would misinterpret the sexual chemistry Ken and I have as a threat to their relationship and have told her she is the one who gets to set the rules with him and me. She asked if she and I could have sex alone first to see if she "just needs a female in the mix". It turned me on and I'm excited at the possibility but still have some hesitations about whether she is being forthright with her thoughts and feelings. I will certainly share with her the rights of the secondary when we meet. Right now she is out of town for work.

Thank you again for your input, suggestions and links.
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Old 08-21-2011, 01:16 AM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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My impression: Barbie is not actually into this. She might find some of it appealing or arousing but overall, the idea of sharing or opening her relationship doesn't feel good to her. It sounds like you and Ken are struggling to refrain from expressing yourselves and acting on Your urges, but not out of respect for her, Just in hopes that she will come around. She can probably sense this and it might feel like pressure.

I say that there is a good chance that this will not really happen or go much further. I just get this feeling that you have decided all of a sudden that you want to fuck this guy and you don't really understand why that IS a big deal. Seems like Barbies concerns are more of an annoyance and obstacle for you than anything else.


l am not trying to be mean or rude. It's just what my overwhelming impression was reading your post. It's all about the sex...but a relationship is being tested and pushed over this...is it worth it? And what if Barbie decides she is just not with it and never will be? You sound like you might be the relentless type...

Good luck.
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Old 08-21-2011, 02:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
My impression: Barbie is not actually into this. She might find some of it appealing or arousing but overall, the idea of sharing or opening her relationship doesn't feel good to her.

I say that there is a good chance that this will not really happen or go much further. Seems like Barbies concerns are more of an annoyance and obstacle for you than anything else.

l am not trying to be mean or rude. It's just what my overwhelming impression was reading your post. It's all about the sex...but a relationship is being tested and pushed over this...is it worth it? And what if Barbie decides she is just not with it and never will be?
I'm also not trying to be rude or mean CranberryStardust, but this really sounds like you're reading your own situation into hers. It's been a couple of days since you've posted in your own new to poly thread, and I for one am really curious how it's going?
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Old 08-21-2011, 03:51 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bahalana View Post
I'm also not trying to be rude or mean CranberryStardust, but this really sounds like you're reading your own situation into hers.
I agree. I hope opo0606 reads your thread.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, 37
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Old 08-21-2011, 04:09 AM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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Her situation could not be any more different from mine unless all the people involved were men. She is desperate to have sex with a married man who is not actually in an open relationship and whose partner is not 100% open to the idea of even having an open relationship. I was asked to be part of an existing relationship, I did not suggest it or try to pry the doors open and make it happen. Nor have I engaged anyone involved in conversation about how bad I want it, etc, etc.

This topic has nothing to do with my situation. I call it like I see it. I really wasn't trying to be rude. I said it was my impression, not fact. I could be completely wrong...or completely right. We'll see. After reading the initial post, which was essentially amateur erotica, I just don't feel like love or caring or good non sexual feelings are happening in this dynamic. Sorry.

I don't have a situation, but thanks for asking.
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Old 08-21-2011, 04:42 AM
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opo0606, I don't really know what kind of advice you're seeking. The scenario you described in the first post is all about sex. You have this friend, to whom you've never felt an attraction -- until you all got drunk and groped each other. Now you want to fuck him, be submissive to him, and you're befriending his girlfriend. How did you get from there to wishing you could all say "I love you" to each other? I don't see where the love is; I see recreational sex. I see someone who is young, confused, making a big deal out of things that are not very serious, and just focused on having a good time in the sack. Nothing wrong with that, I am just sensing that you are creating some drama here and perhaps getting into a tangle that might not turn out very well for you. I'm not sure Ken would be someone I'd want to get involved with if I were you. Continue to respect the boundaries they have and be careful.
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