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  #21  
Old 08-18-2011, 11:31 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Default OT @Karma @Mohegan

@Karma
@Mohegan

Peace and respect to both of you, I like the way you both write, and I like the fact that you write differently to one another.

I'd like to read your blogs too, could you post both links in this thread please? Or maybe justLost can post the links.

I'll get back on topic now...
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  #22  
Old 08-18-2011, 02:09 PM
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Well, I have one but I rarely (never) use it anymore. I just sorta helped myself to hers after awhile

Which Way To Turn is our blog. Accidentally Poly - The Karma Story is mine.
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  #23  
Old 08-18-2011, 05:33 PM
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First of all thank you all so much for your taking the time to read all this and for your feedback.

It is so nice to know not only that others have been where I am and are now happy with their lives, but also that I am not struggling unheard. Does that even make sense? Hmmm…..


@Mohegan – I like the Happy Healthy Sane idea, and I never even thought of attaching it to my relationship with myself… so true that I cannot expect others to be happy with me when I am not.

I have fought for the last few years with the feeling that the fibro “stole” my life. Before I got hurt and then sick I was always self-supporting. ex: When I was a single mother of 4 I took the kids and a playpen and stuck them all in it while I cleaned people’s houses.

Being financially independent was a big part of my self-identity. I lost that shortly after getting sick, I fell into a deep place full of self-pity, and an overwhelming sense of loss of self.

Your story gives me so much hope, thank you!

@ true River – I can’t remember ever feeling jealous over the kids time with their dads. That must be an awful place to be as a parent, I can understand what you are saying though.

Your right that I apparently don’t know how to give the things that B gives, we are different people and really both Khas and B drive me crazy the way they will let the practical management of life just not matter if they are in the space where their artistic talents have them on some sort of spiritual high.



Guess that isn’t going to change on my part, I can fake lots of things if I have to but I don’t think I could ever even WANT to stop making sure life keeps moving smoothly.

We do a lot of things together already, and Khas is going out to public places now and even enjoying himself.

I am glad and the experience makes me happy since it is the things I have always wanted to do and in fact we did do when we were dating, so now with B & I together he is doing those things again.

Only that is a bit of a double edged sword because it brings so many bittersweet memories. That is something I will need to work on. Enjoying the present, not letting the bitterness overwhelm the joy of the moment, sounds simple so there is no doubt it won’t be easy!

@Karma – Ack! So many questions! LOL

The fibro affects me pretty much the same as it appears to effect Mohegan. I have good days and bad, I get some other problems because of my neck injury.
I can’t reliably hold things, especially in my left hand. Although I have learned to hold things with my arms so I don’t drop them. And we have adjusted much of our lives around it. unbreakable dishes are not as pretty but much more practical.

I don’t really know if Khas can be considered my caretaker. I know that he helps me a LOT but I try very hard to do things myself, and am always getting yelled at for not asking for help.

I am trying to talk B (hmmm maybe I should give her a real nickname) into teaching him to French braid because I really really don’t want to cut my hair but it is getting harder and harder to take care of on my own.

The inability to speak clearly and concisely is probably the #1 thing that drives me crazy about fibro…. I mean to say “TV” and end up with “shiny window like thing” and don’t forget to “vacuum” the yard…. GRAH!

I am envious of B in a lot of ways, I think I know what most of them are and am trying to find places inside where I can find pride or something like that in myself so that it I can appreciate her better without that envy getting in the way.

Really learning to be not just ok with who I am, how I look and my own talents will be a big step.

It's rather difficult to find something to feel good about in being the one that is loved and cherished because I keep him grounded... LOL as soon as I typed that I realized what he has been trying to say.. maybe that is a good thing after all.... not very romantic though..

Ok Khas loving B the same way he loves me….

I don’t know why it hurts so much and don’t really want to think about it… guess that means I need to... but damn it….

Ok thinking of it also apparently pisses me off….

*now* I’d like to throw something!
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  #24  
Old 08-18-2011, 06:24 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Default so throw something then (safely)

OK, so you feel like throwing something. It can be surprisingly therapeutic.

Get yourself some safety goggles and some used glass bottles, and throw them against the wall outside. Make lots of noise

Then sweep up

Or use those unbreakable bowls. Just keep fragile valuables out of the target zone!

have fun!
River~~
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  #25  
Old 08-18-2011, 07:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justlost View Post
I don’t really know if Khas can be considered my caretaker. I know that he helps me a LOT but I try very hard to do things myself, and am always getting yelled at for not asking for help.
My husband is one of those that refuses to ask for help and will suffer massive amounts of pain before asking for help. I can't tell you how much it hurts when this happens, because it says to me that he doesn't trust me or doesn't consider me capable of helping him. Please keep this in mind the next time you consider "not" asking for help.
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  #26  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:39 AM
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uhhh I can so relate to being self sufficient and having fibro come along and change it all. That was one of hardest things for me. I went from working 50-60 hrs a week to barely being able to handle part time retail.

I learned a lot of adaptations from looking at how stroke victims work things out. We have really long grill tongs that I use to reach things off the floor if I can't bend over. I keep my phone in my pocket so I can call him if I need help getting out of bed. And I try really hard to not over do it on good days. But I usualy fail miserably.

I also stop and think before I speak. While vaccuming the lawn is hilarious. It's hard on us when it happens all the time and we just want to get a point across. So I slow down and work out every word before it's said. I'm bad at putting the milk in the cupboard and cereal in the oven, so when I am putting things away I stop and think is that where it really goes. I will literaly look at my hand and say this is milk, milk is cold, cold goes in the fridge. It seems goofy but it's become a natural thing that has saved us some cash from spoiled food.

It maybe helpful to allow khas to help you. To show that you do trust him to do these things for you. Do what you can. But don't be afraid to say "I know if I do this I'm just gonna make a bigger mess, can you help?" That's how I do it. If I know I can do it, even if it'll take twice as long, I do it. If I know I'll end up hurting myself or making a bigger mess that he'll have to clean up, I ask for help.

A thought on him loving B. For me it was realisng that it isn't a matter of more or less. I don't love my mom more than my dad. I don't love my niece more than my nephew. I love them differently because they are different people. So it's not a matter of Karma loving Cookie the same as me, more than me, less than me, because the love he has for her is individualised for her and the love he has for me is mine and mine alone. No one can take it or make it less than it is,other than Karma and I. Because it is what we created. And no one can make his love for Cookie more or less and anything else other than he and cookie because they created it.

It's not a matter of comparrison. And this is where that happy healthy sane with myself came in. I don't need to compare myself to anyone. My relationship with Karma is ours. Only we can make it or break it. So comparing it to the one he has with anyone else is a waste of time and energy and I just don't have that much to waste. It's like comparing my marriage to my brothers, or my friends. It can't be compared because the people and the dynamic are different. So why waste the time comparing mine to cookies?

This is why I don't buy into using secondary and primary labels. If using them at all, it is in reference to the fact that they haven't had the time to build what we have over 9 yrs. But even at that, She's not less than me nor is she more than me. She's Cookie and I'm Mo and that's how it is.

And I dont think it's healthy to see it as her giving him things you can't. At least not right now. It's not so much a matter as it being something you can't give as much as it is she's a completely different person from you. Do you only have one friend? I have friends from all walks of life. I don't seek them out because this one can give me something the others can't. I seek them out because I have fun with them. And this one and I happen to have country music in common so we like to watch the televised concerts and talk about them. But this other one and I both bake a lot. And L and I have been friends since we were 4 and have completely different lives but we have that building block of knowing each others souls after being together that long.

For me it's not about what the baker gives me verse the music lover verse L. It's about what we have in common and why we like to spend time together.

I was jealous or envious or whatever you want to call it, over the fact that Karma and Cookie can just take off and go somewhere. Where I have to plan out how much walking there is, how many stairs I have to take, is there somewhere to eat if my sugar drops, are there bathrooms nearby, how much sitting is involved, what is the temp outside, am I gonna wake up without the use of my fingers or arms or neck.

And then Karma spends a week playing Mario wii with me and helping me beat my first video game. And we talk about things that he is working through, and we prep for school next week. And I remind myself that it's not about what he does with her that I can't do. It's about what he does with me and what we can do. And then I realise it's more to do with hating what fibro has taken from me, than it is actual feeling directed towards them.

Hope that helps. I'm flaring big time today and I'm not sure if I'm making any sense.
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  #27  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:49 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Oh and one other thing. Eventually you will be able to appreciate that he can experience that spiritual high with her.

I kind of enjoy the fact that Cookie is such a music nut. I love music, but I have little attention span or ability to tolerate some of Karmas music. And that boy can talk and talk and talk about it. It's not that I don't enjoy doing that with him, but it is nice that he has someone else too. So I kind of get a break.

And it's nice knowing that he'll be with her on Tuesdays. It means I have an entire day without him here that I can get homework done and he's not staring at me trying to be patient while waiting for the computer.

There will come a time when all of this can be looked at from another perspective. Right now it is just so raw it is damn hard to even think about it let alone see it differently. It takes a lot of self work, but I think you'll pull through just fine.

And remember it's okay to take a break from it. It's healthy to do it. I did my most helpful healing once I started working. Because I wasn't thinking myself in circles and it gave my brain and my heart a chance to recover before I went at it again. And just like an athlete that can come back from a break and do 100 times better than before, your brain and your heart can adapt, heal and come up with better solutions once they've had a chance to think about something else.
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  #28  
Old 08-19-2011, 10:42 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Default primary/secondary is about committments, not people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
...
This is why I don't buy into using secondary and primary labels. If using them at all, it is in reference to the fact that they haven't had the time to build what we have over 9 yrs.
For me, the labels *are* useful, but with reference to the future not the past, and refer to a primary committment.

When I was in a vee shaped relationship with one of a married couple, it was clear to me that they were lifebonded. Not only that, I'd been to their wedding some years before (where the lifelong promises had been made, but not promises of exclusivity), I had taken Communion in celebration of the promises they had made. I was clear that I did not want to do anything to break their bond - as a matter of my own integrity.

In contrast, there were no long term committments between myself and my lover. We did not anticipate our love developing into a lifebond, nor were we working towards that as a possible goal.
In those circumstances, 'primary' for the married relationship was exactly the right term.
Had it happened that our relationship had surprised all three of us by becoming lifelong, I guess we would have called that 'primary' too, so there would have been two primary relationships (and other secondaries, still)

Quote:
But even at that, She's not less than me nor is she more than me. She's Cookie and I'm Mo and that's how it is.
Exactly. I was not secondary as a person. It was my relationship that was secondary to the other one, and that was a comment about future plans more than anything.
Does that make sense?

Mo and I are coming from different places, so we do not see things the same. Please, mix and match the bits of what we each say that is good for you, because you are not in my place nor Mo's.

Love, River~~
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  #29  
Old 08-20-2011, 05:03 PM
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a name... I've decided to call B "Pixie"... because she is

Pixie is a fairy sculptor, she is also very small with whiskey Irish curly crazy hair and a wonderful sense of humor and mischievousness...

So today I am going over to talk with Pixie while Khas sleeps, I figure this is a good time to make sure our friendship is ok while trying to figure out what we want individually and what we feel about what Khas wants.

Part of me truly hates this... I see her getting closer to Khas and I want to rip her hair out.. that's MY man dammit .... not healthy.. and I have always had very strict boundaries about friends and men... my forever friend and I figured it out when we were 10 or 11.. the "rules" were simple... if you like the way that boy looks... I don't.. ever... even if you are eventually past that he is forever off limits.. we saw boys mess up other girls friendships and decided then before we were involved with males that we needed rules... and we have lived by them with each other always... Pixie and I have never discussed anything like that.. when we met we were both single moms and college students.. she and her son are both disabled, her son severely so and I soon started working for them both... and anyway a friendship grew.

So large part of me is angry with Pix for breaking the "rules" ... I know its irrational and so I am dealing with it on my own.

Trying hard not to let my personal ups and downs interfere with my relationship with either Khas or Pix... I *want* to close off all feeling in my heart for either of them.. this hurts and pain is bad... but I love them and I also want to live with them.... I decided and now I will walk the painful path to a more full life and a more *present* me.....
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  #30  
Old 08-20-2011, 09:39 PM
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So today I am going over to talk with Pixie while Khas sleeps . . . I see her getting closer to Khas and I want to rip her hair out.
Hmm, that would not be very conducive to a fruitful conversation.


[just injecting some levity]
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