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  #21  
Old 10-24-2009, 12:59 AM
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Anytime. I have to 100% agree. If you sacrifice your own happiness then your never going to get back to that place you were at. Communicate your concerns and allow them to be heard. Everyone deserves that.
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  #22  
Old 10-24-2009, 06:49 PM
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There's a lot to be considered in all of this, but I'm not going to get into the details of it. I will say this, though. There are many couples I know that when they first decided to open up their relationship would do so by seeking a third for a poly-fi triad. Of all the couples I know personally, they all are either monogamous again or are open and dating separately and not seeking a triad anymore. Now this, isn't to say that all poly-fi triads are destined for failure. I have known a couple of very happy long term triads like that, but both involved couples who were very experienced in poly and were already open and dating others before happily stumbling upon their unicorns and deciding to be fidelitous after finding then. There is something to be said for the vast majority of couples (many of them new to being poly) seeking this and it generally crashing and burning.

If the solution you're looking for is "things back to the way they used to be with all three of us in a happy equal triad", that may not be possible. But that doesn't mean that there are no solutions. Perhaps it's time for the relationship to evolve to a different structure. But in order for that to be able to happen, everyone first has to let go of the idea that there is only one way and one structure for this relationship to work. Once it becomes an "all or nothing" situation, it's usually not going to be the "all" part that prevails. Let's face it- "all" never really prevails in any relationship. We always have to change and adapt things to fit as people change and adapt themselves. And quite frankly, if it is an "all or nothing" situation- i.e. you're either going to be a happy equal triad or nothing else, then it's pretty clear that Anne has already lost in this game and is going to get burned.

But if you're willing to let the structure of the relationship change and adapt to the needs of the people in it, then you have a much better chance of success. I do know that in my own situation of being the third in a triad that broke up, the whole thing crashed and burned because she needed it to be all or nothing. When the connection between me and the woman became less than the connection I had with the man, she cut the whole thing off. Quite frankly, he and I could have easily explored a relationship together, and that relationship needn't have threatened their marriage, but because she felt that the only poly relationships they should have could only be if all three were involved, all of those feelings were cut off and I was burned.

(this next bit might come off as an indictment against all poly-fi triads or couples seeking poly-fi triads. As with most everything in life, I know that this does not apply to ALL couples or ALL triads. I acknowledge that poly-fi triads are something that can be successful and couples can bring in a third for lots of long term happiness. I'm sure there will be couples who read this who think "Oh, that's not how it is with US" Fair enough. It may not apply to you. But I'm also willing to be that there will be a fair number of couples who think it doesn't apply to them when it does)


Honestly, when I see a couple that's new to poly and seeking a third to "complete them" or to "be an equal partner" I see a couple that feels the need to control the other love that might enter into their partner's life. It's like they're saying, "Sure, my partner can fall in love with someone else, but ONLY if I am explicitly involved so that I may have control over my partner's love and so that love will always have something to do with me too, no matter what." Now, I know this isn't always true for every couple, but I do believe it to be true for many, if not most couples that are seeking this dynamic. One need only to see the vast number of unicorns who have been burned by such situations to have an inkling that perhaps this isn't the best way to go about things. We've all heard it before and every couple seems to say the same thing. "we want you to be an equal partner in our relationship", "we just have so much love to give, we have to share it with someone else". Etc, etc. Most of them end the same way- the unicorn is cast off with burn scars and everyone is off licking their wounds. And I've yet to meet a single poly bi female who's been through this (and I've personally known quite a few) who gets up after the experience and says "Wow, I want to try that again!". This is why unicorns are so rare.

So I guess I'm saying that the first step to finding a solution to this is to LET GO of the idea that there is only one way this relationship can be. Maybe it need to evolve into more of a V situation, maybe there's a whole other structure that nobody's seen yet. If you are really committed to being poly in this, there are all sorts of alternatives to just either being a triad or a back to a couple with the third cast off. If all the talking you're doing is in order to try to protect and restore the triad, then it's only going to generate more hurt and anger. Just let it go and let it flow to where it belongs.

Last edited by Ceoli; 10-24-2009 at 06:57 PM.
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  #23  
Old 10-24-2009, 07:16 PM
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Ceoli, can you do is the honour of starting a thread on this? Your wisdom is invaluable and I, for one, have a lot to say on this to add my own wisdom. I just don't want to write it here, if possible, and take over violet's thread.
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  #24  
Old 10-24-2009, 08:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Ceoli, can you do is the honour of starting a thread on this? Your wisdom is invaluable and I, for one, have a lot to say on this to add my own wisdom. I just don't want to write it here, if possible, and take over violet's thread.
Yes please Ceoli-this conversation is one I think Maca and I would appreciate delving into further as well. Your post really struck a cord with me today. I spent the morning in tears over some details that aren't specifically the same, but certainly pertain to what you've said here and while it's very much a great thing for putting into Violet's post, what I would like to expand on and discuss about your post really isn't.

THX!
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  #25  
Old 10-24-2009, 09:51 PM
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Please!!

I can't even express how much your post Ceoli is touching me right now. Yes I feel that if you would please start this in a new thread it would be something I know myself and I hope DF and DB would voice in as well.

Gotta step away for now! Sorry....
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  #26  
Old 10-25-2009, 01:29 AM
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Huge profress today getting to some of the root issues, Vi even talked to Anne about it over the phone (Anne has said several times that she knew omething wasn't right before she left) and things are looking up all around.

Thnks o everyone here who continues to be such a wonderful network for everyone else. Special thanks to Ceoli for hours spent IM'ing Violet when she needed another outlet and for yet another amazing post that will forever change many peoples outlooks.

We still have some work to do - alwyas will, lol - but things are calming down and picking up.

AND we get to meet the Dragon family for a little Poly get together dinner tonight! Woot!
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  #27  
Old 10-25-2009, 01:41 AM
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Im gonna step Off the "think about the third" box for a bit. V asked for advice on HER feelings. Suddenly this has again turned into a "think about the third" Post. V, I can totally understand where you are coming from. As I said In my PM..I have been there too. Recently. Im still there in many ways. I love Aussielover very much and I have considered her feelings in my thought process. And tried to share my thoughts and feelings with her to the best of my ability, When and If I could. BUT that doesnt change how I feel about certain things. I can honestly say that I was 100% happy with EVERYTHING not that long ago. Suddenly LOTS of things felt very wrong for me. I didnt have any control over that. Its just how I felt. Doesn't mean I dont love and want AL here. We as a "primary" couple have undergone a HUGE amount of change. I believe there is going to be a grieving period. That doesnt mean that the triad is in danger.

I resisted posting on here about them too because I didnt feel comfortable putting MY insecurities out there for all to see. V, Your allowed to have these feelings. I think its a natural part of the process that comes along with a poly relationship. Its Not easy going from being the "one and Only" to having to share almost every part of your life with another person. Its DAMN hard. And you are really only babies in this poly world ( like us also). There is gonna be a transition period. And your human after all.

If your feelings For Anne have changed or if your feeling unsure... Then Speak to her. Be honest. But dont for a second think that your needs and your feelings are not important. You have the right to be heard and listened too. I feel that the "primary" relationship needs to be stable for this to work. IF that relationship does not feel right/stable then I believe that the stability of the Triad is at risk. I know that not EVERY poly relationship is the same. But in essence the Key to the solution is the same. Communication. and being heard and understood.

I wish you all the best of luck. I hope things work out!
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  #28  
Old 10-25-2009, 01:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Ceoli, can you do is the honour of starting a thread on this? Your wisdom is invaluable and I, for one, have a lot to say on this to add my own wisdom. I just don't want to write it here, if possible, and take over violet's thread.
I'd love to hear from Aussie girl on this too! Her perspective into the life of a unicorn would be great! Ummm is it ok if I call you a unicorn Aussiegirl ?
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  #29  
Old 10-25-2009, 01:53 AM
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am I supposed to respond here or wait for the new thread to be started? I'm going to quickly reread this thread so everything's fresh in my mind as I've read it all over several days, and respond to V's issue. As for the issues of the third, if that's what you're refering to Mono, I shall respond to those if/when the 'third' thread is started. Please correct or clairify if I'm misinturpreting.

And lol you can call me unicorn if you like. hehe it's a running joke around here. And suddenly we all see things about unicorns on tv. lol even on the wiggles...

Off to reread.
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  #30  
Old 10-25-2009, 02:00 AM
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Originally Posted by aussielover View Post
As for the issues of the third, if that's what you're refering to Mono, I shall respond to those if/when the 'third' thread is started. Please correct or clairify if I'm misinturpreting.

And lol you can call me unicorn if you like. hehe it's a running joke around here. And suddenly we all see things about unicorns on tv. lol even on the wiggles...

Off to reread.
Yeah..if the thread starts up I mean. "Unicorn, unicorn, four legs and one horn". How's that for a poem?!
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