the story of a secondary

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by Inyourendo

Ive got to say Anna I have enjoyed reading your posts and am utterly envious of your writing style

Thank you! I minored in writing at college, it's something I love to do.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Have you told Eric that you love him as a friend?

Only in the sense of what I posted a page or so back about emailing him and saying that our friend K and I love the three of them (him, G and B) very much. Also, on the camping trip, they were planning to come meet me and I left a note addressed to the three of them on a dry erase board in the middle of my campsite explaining that I would be late and signed it "<3! -- Anna"

These are my only two attempts thus far, both very recent, at getting comfortable with him seeing the word love coming from me. Both were written rather than spoken. I'm incredibly gun-shy about this whole subject.

Sure, I could tell him I love him as a friend or I love the role he plays in my life (Gia's suggestion for wording when I first brought it up to her in the winter). But in truth I feel much more than that, so it would feel like a lie. I love to look at him when he's not looking. I smile without meaning to when I see him. He makes me feel warm and relaxed and nervous and protective and turned on, all at the same time.

[AnnabelMore]

I've mentioned that Eric is skittish about emotions, but I don't think I've explained why.

A couple years before they approached me about falling into bed together, Gia and Eric met a girl named Jen. They both liked her very much and she liked them. Eric was especially fascinated by her sexually -- she was a hardcore masochist. She became their girlfriend. She and Gia were genuinely in love, while Eric said he loved her but didn't really see her as more than a fun time and a friend.

Jen found herself in a bad financial position and they invited her to move in with them. Jen... had some issues. She was bipolar and often unmedicated. She blew up over crazy things and was very insecure. She and Eric would go out on dates and she would expect romance from him. When she didn't get it, she got even more freaked out, naturally. Gia got nervous about their relationship and asked them to put sex on hold. They said ok, but then she found out that Eric had been doing very sexual things with Jen, just stopping short of penetration. Jen had truly thought this was fine, but Eric knew it wasn't. He was basically cheating on Gia, or at least violating her wishes.

Their marriage came to a major crisis. Gia thought seriously about leaving him. Jen moved out. They started each seeing Jen separately, rather than together. Things were particularly tortured between Jen and Eric. She was desperate, in love, hurting, he was miserable with guilt and with the realization that he hadn't even loved her in the way he'd said. He felt responsible for her pain and had a very hard time dragging himself away from the drama... both the drama that he'd caused and the drama that Jen naturally projected. Finally, he managed to break it off.

Gia and Jen at first tried to keep things going with the two of them, but it was impossible. Jen eventually moved away from the area and stopped talking to Gia completely... despite everything, the loss of that love and friendship wounded Gia deeply.

That's my secondhand recollection of the whole thing anyway.

Gia and Eric stayed away from poly after that and just worked on their marriage. They got past it all, though scars remained. Eric, in particular... having almost lost the center of his world, his marriage... having made a terrible, ugly mess of a relationship with the woman who had been his girlfriend... having lost the respect of more than one of our mutual friends... seems to have done the most to try to learn from the whole thing. He's brutally honest with himself and about his limitations and foibles. He's humbler, more communicative, more empathetic.

I was the first woman they approached for anything extramarital post-Jen. Gia and I fell into a dating relationship fairly quickly, and I was surprised to realize that she wanted me to be just "her" girlfriend not "their" girlfriend. I didn't know then that they'd previously made every mistake in the unicorn hunter's handbook, I just knew that they're dated a girl together before and it hadn't worked out.

It was Eric's firm contention when I tried to feel him out about a possible emotional connection more than a year ago that he doesn't love easily, doesn't know how to be romantic, doesn't want or need an emotional relationship outside of Gia. He said once that it's better to be "a minor villain in the first act" by letting someone know he's not in it for love, than to be the major bad guy at the end of the story by leading someone on.

So, you can see why I've held off.

[AnnabelMore]

I often think that the relationship between the three of us is as healthy as it is because we've all already made and learned from so many of the mistakes there are to make.

[gamerprincess]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I often think that the relationship between the three of us is as healthy as it is because we've all already made and learned from so many of the mistakes there are to make.

All of you seem to understand one another very well and "get" one another separately and together. I think that among other things is what makes it work so well for all of you.

I've always said that we should never regret mistakes we make as we learn valuable lessons that enable us to grow.

That's quite a sad history that Gia and Eric have had, but luckily you all found each other, right?

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

So, you can see why I've held off.

At this point, which is lesser of two evils; to tell Eric you love him and hear him say he doesn't return your feelings, or not to tell Eric and take the risk that he DOES return your feelings?

[TruckerPete]

Someone in another poly group I belong to posted this: http://www.psychologytoday.com/colle...out-i-love-you

It might be nice to frame it that way to him. And hopefully, that is what you mean and you don't need to hear it back from him, but just be free to tell him that's how you feel. That really is the most wonderful kind of love.

[nycindie]

I am noticing recently how much I tell myself I need to say and hear the words "I love you." And even though it's very ingrained in me that this phrase is so important, I have been reminded several times that it's what we have that counts so much more than the words. I know for myself, if I can say it or hear the words back, I feel like I've "locked in" some kind of... something, and until that happens, I just have a hard time trusting what I've got with someone. But in reality, the words don't make your relationship more solid - you do. Your acts of lovingness and your openness to love are more important than any verbal affirmation of love.

As Catfish said to me recently, while pointing out to me that what I have with my current lover might not be the kind of love I envision, but "if he treats you well, makes efforts to make you feel good, cares about you, is willing to help... must be a duck." Meaning, must be love. So, as I stated in my blog, I have to remember that there are many shades and hues of love. Why do I have to get hung up on the words?

I think you're doing fine. I've told you this before, but I really don't think you have to focus or worry about the moment you tell him because I think it will just happen naturally if it does at all, and if it doesn't, know that he FEELS the love even if you don't say it.

And who knows -- he may surprise you and say it first!

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by gamerprincess

All of you seem to understand one another very well and "get" one another separately and together. I think that among other things is what makes it work so well for all of you.

I've always said that we should never regret mistakes we make as we learn valuable lessons that enable us to grow.

That's quite a sad history that Gia and Eric have had, but luckily you all found each other, right?

Absolutely yes on all counts!

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

At this point, which is lesser of two evils; to tell Eric you love him and hear him say he doesn't return your feelings, or not to tell Eric and take the risk that he DOES return your feelings?

Well the thing is, and I don't mean to just justify my cowardice here, I'm really considering this... what exactly is the risk if he returns my feelings but I don't say anything? In another situation I might worry that I'd lose him if I didn't tell him, but with my relationship with Gia going strong and Bee to give us all a common focus, it's not like he and I are going to drop out of touch any time soon.