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  #111  
Old 08-03-2011, 06:21 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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WOAH. O_O

So, I mentioned a while back that Davis and I hadn't yet resolved what he was comfortable with regarding me and Eric being sexual at present. He had suggested maybe no penetrative sex, maybe if I let him know before anything happened, etc. I wasn't very happy with those options and it's not like sex was happening with Gia and Eric anyway, so Davis and I just tabled the discussion for a bit.

Even though there's realistically very little chance that anything will happen at the big camping event this week, I figured it'd be good to revisit the issue with Davis and come to an agreement before I left (he's not going, for reasons of money).

To my shock, he simply said "I've given it a lot of thought and I've decided that I'm ok with whatever you want to do with them. If it doesn't affect you and me, and you're happy and stuff, then it's alright."

I believed him when he said that he was going to be working on these issues, but I'm so surprised and impressed that he's come so far in less than two months! Heck, what he said was almost exacly the same as what I said in my last post about my feelings on the situation.

I pressed him a little more and we talked about how things went down in the situation with Ziggy, and his leftover fears regarding all that, but ultimately it was clear that although he was still struggling he'd meant what he said.

I'm in no way getting my hopes up, but it makes me very, very happy to know that on the off chance something sexy does go down with G and/or E during the coming week, I won't have to worry about holding back or upsetting Davis.

Davis and I have had our issues here and there since we re-started our relationship... he's going through some stressful stuff, we are sometimes very in tune and other times all snappish with each other... but I'm proud to have picked a man who can be so brave and open-minded. This is still all VERY new territory for him.
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  #112  
Old 08-03-2011, 10:49 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Wow! That's fantastic!

It sounds like Davis is an internal processor, just like my Indigo. I remember when we first opened our relationship, it was only to other women. A couple of months later, I made an offhand comment about guys and he said, "Yeah, go for it. I realized that since you're bi, there's just as much chance you'll run off with a woman as a man and there's nothing I can do about it."

I was also floored. I asked him when he figured that out. He said he does a lot of thinking at the gym.

To me, it was the most significant example of how differently we think. If I was wrestling with something, he would certainly know! I need to talk things out. But he just went about it quietly, and yeah, what a shock!
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  #113  
Old 08-15-2011, 06:41 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
So good to have you back, Annabel! It's a delight to read about someone in a (recently even more) similar situation who handles it with the grace and honesty you do!
By the way, thank you for this.
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  #114  
Old 08-15-2011, 08:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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What a week! The camping trip was wonderful and tough at the same time. As I mentioned previously, G&E&B camped separately from me (for logistical reasons that made perfect sense but would take a while to explain) -- we were about 20 minutes apart walking distance, at a huge festival with lots of activities, classes and parties in the evenings. I was camped with other friends. Gia's mom and dad stayed at a hotel nearby and visited the campgrounds during the day to help with Bee.

I had a full but flexible schedule. We rarely specifically made plans to hang out, but I usually ran into them at least once a day and stopped to spend time with them when that happened. Several times I walked them back up to their campsite and then hung out to help out with things. Once we met up at a party in the evening (G&E had left Bee with Gia's parents for a few hours, the first time they've both been away from him), and once they met me at my camp with the baby in tow and chilled for a bit. Usually they were too tired to stay out past dark, but they did manage to get out and about every day.

Spending time in the company of Gia's parents was interesting. They were very polite and friendly to me, which was awesome.

We also got time away from them, usually at G&E's camp. Gia and I had a couple of very long, significant conversations, with Eric generally doing his own thing in the background, quietly interjecting every once in a great while.

The first big talk started because I noticed that when I'd offer to walk them back to camp or to help with something, Gia would often say something like "oh, you really don't need to" or "we won't be much fun" or something else polite but discouraging. I couldn't tell if she was just being nice or if she didn't want me around. It was starting to freak me out, so I brought it up.

"Y'know," I said, "I don't need it to be fun."
"What?"
"Our time together. I don't need you to entertain me or anything. I genuinely want to be here and help out. Your life is pretty hard and frustrating sometimes these days, and I don't plan to skip out on that. It would be so easy to just slip out of your life right now and I don't want to do that."

And we went from there. Basically, she felt uncomfortable about accepting so much from me, and worried that it was too unbalanced. She explained that accepting help is a form of trust, and that she has major trust issues. That while we've certainly grown a lot together as a couple, there are things she can relax about and show Eric that she still doesn't feel she can show me yet. Having another person around can be an added burden on her attention and time, even if they don't want to be and especially if she cares about them, so having me there can make things harder in one way even if I'm helping in another.

We ended that conversation with me asserting that 1) I get to decide if I'm comfortable with what I'm putting into the equation (although she doesn't have to accept it), 2) I won't be upset if she tells me she needs time away from me and would much rather have that clarity than feel like an imposition, and 3) I understand that letting me in is a big trust thing and that I appreciate all the work she's doing to try to do that. I asked her to please tell me if she wants space from me for any reason at any time, but not to push me away for my own good.

INTENSE. Phew. I felt like I needed a nap and some cookies after that one.

I think I'll leave it at this for now and post a little follow-up later.
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  #115  
Old 08-18-2011, 12:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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A little follow-up!

The other big conversation that Gia and I had while camping was about what it's like for them to be in new parents and what it's like for me to continue to try to be part of their lives. Eric said to me once, early on, that having the new baby was like being in space, because day and night had no meaning. I had given this some thought and I used this metaphor in trying to explain to Gia what it was like for me.

"It's like the two of you have become astronauts," I said. "You're floating up there in space, monitoring the controls and they're very delicate so of course you can't come down to earth right now to visit me. If I want to see you I have to come to you and when I do you're very busy. But I admire and believe in what you doing, so basically what I'm asking is to be a volunteer trainee astronaut and I know that takes a lot of trust because, as I said, the controls are very delicate."

Something in all that must have worked, because I noticed her relax after that and just let me help more.

A side note: I have some kinky friends, and while I was at the camping trip one of them asked if she could try out an idea for an all-rope corset on me -- basically, tie me up. I'm kind of kinky myself so I was into the idea, but I told her that I needed to ask my boyfriend. I didn't want to cross any boundaries with Davis. It seemed for a minute when I called him that he might say no just to say no, sort of to prove to himself his power in the relationship. Which I would have understood, frankly. But we talked about it some more and, happily, he told me to go ahead and go for it with the simple caveat that nothing overtly sexual happen .
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  #116  
Old 08-19-2011, 01:49 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wonderful short essay on the question of when to communicate and when to suck it up and take one for the team -- http://matt-bullen.blogspot.com/2011...ought.html?m=1
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  #117  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:21 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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When I came over their house yesterday evening, my two lovers were chilling in bed with their sleeping baby, watching funny internet videos. Gia motioned for me and I curled up behind her, spooning-style. We stayed that way for... 30 minutes, 60? Not sure. It was, I think, the most time we've spent in close physical contact in months. She had fretted, during the pregnancy, that a needy baby would use up all her reserves of cuddling ability. So good to see that wasn't true.

Normally a very talkative person, I chose instead to stay quiet and just enjoy our bubble in time together.

Bee is so big and chubby! Sometimes he grunts and squeals in his sleep and waves his little arms.

Eventually Gia and I made dinner, sat together quietly and read, chatted about things small and large. Just like one of our usual evening in-house dates. For the first time since Bee arrived, not counting their one night without him while camping, it was like Bee was just a part of her life, not her whole life. It helped that he slept a lot.

Gia mentioned that she's talking to her doctor about what birth control is safe to use while breastfeeding, implying pretty explicitly to me that she and Eric haven't resumed sex yet. I figure once the two of them are on firm sexual footing with each other again, I can safely put energy into rebuilding a sexual intimacy with her/them/him and myself. Want.

At the end of the evening, I went back into their bedroom to say goodnight to Eric, like I usually do. I nuzzled his shoulder, he made an "mm-hmm" sound of quietly pleased assent. It was a lovely little sound.

Davis was waiting for me in my bed when I got home (he has a key and I'd told him to go ahead and come over when he'd messaged me near the end of the evening). I was so glad to see him. It was like all my good feelings from my night with my others spilled over and enhanced things with him. We had scads of hot sex and fell asleep pressed against each other.

In one of my dreams that night, I was out shopping with Gia and Eric. While Gia looked at clothes, Eric and I curled up together in a chair, waiting. He wrapped himself around me, protecting me and holding me. I woke with the image and the feeling still vivid.
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  #118  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:47 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Epilogue: I noticed, the next day, that Eric had posted an FB status update that night about watching Bee breathe, "listening to music and to Gia and Anna chat in the next room," and about loving being a dad.

Thoughts:
- I love that he is so relaxed and happy and that my presence is a piece of that picture
- Being mentioned by him like that in a public forum makes me feel validated to a silly degree
- I sometimes forget that, because they've been so tightly glued together this last year, Eric ends up hearing almost everything I say to Gia... when I make myself vulnerable, when I laugh with her, he's a part of it too even if he's not participating
- I must be more comfortable and relaxed about him than I used to be, otherwise I wouldn't have forgotten that he was there and potentially listening to our conversation
- I still want to just tell him, straightforwardly, that I love him
- Ideally, I'd like to talk to Gia about it again before doing so, to get her advice, but when will I see her apart from him?

Stupid beautiful Eric, stupid beautiful dream, stupid fear of rejection. No, more than rejection, I fear that words will break this peaceful equilibrium we've achieved. What if I say it to him and he doesn't react well? Things being awkward with him would probably seriously impact my relationship with Gia.

Take sex, for instance, since I brought it up earlier. I already know that Gia is much more comfortable opening up sexually with Eric there. If he and I are in a weird place, it could delay/complicate my relations with her in that regard. Argh.

I've gone this long feeling it and not saying it, why not continue? Why risk screwing things up when everything is so damn good? Because it's a problem for me, like or not, and it isn't going away. I just wish I could trust him not to have an issue with it. But I don't, he was burned before and took it way too much too heart, he's so fucking skittish about emotions.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 08-19-2011 at 04:51 AM.
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  #119  
Old 08-19-2011, 05:58 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Ive got to say Anna I have enjoyed reading your posts and am utterly envious of your writing style
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  #120  
Old 08-19-2011, 10:11 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Have you told Eric that you love him as a friend?
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Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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