Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-18-2011, 10:25 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 17
Default Starting poly(?)

Iím on the verge of telling my poly boyfriend that Iím cool with him pursuing other partners. But I havenít done it. Somethingís holding me back and I donít know what.

Iíve looked at so many resources, more than I can count, but I still feel so unsure. I feel like unless thereís some resource I havenít found that will make it all click and make me completely certain, then I have truly done all I can and the next step is to try the polyamorous relationship and see where it goes from there, with lots of communication between myself and my boyfriend.

One of the greatest sources of hesitation is that I donít like the guy he wants to pursue very much. Ideally Iíd hoped heíd find someone and weíd all love one another equally, but I know itís unreasonable to expect that. I want to be his friend but Iím afraid if we donít get along well enough it will make things unbearable.

I feel like I could tell my boyfriend Iím comfortable with this if I detached myself from it all emotionally and convinced myself that I donít really care about the relationship as I told him. Many poly resources have talked about the importance of not needing a relationship and being fine with it ending. I feel like if I felt fine about it ending, the relationship would have no value to me.

I really just feel like a horrible boyfriend. Should I wait until I'm certain about it or does certainty never come? Would you advise that I try poly anyway or I wait until I feel 100% comfortable (though I doubt I ever will)?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-19-2011, 05:54 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

No doubt you are teetering on the edge... its a big decision and one that changes EVERYTHING. I don't think that teetering for a while is such a bad thing...
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-19-2011, 11:42 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
Many poly resources have talked about the importance of not needing a relationship and being fine with it ending.
Woot?! Sorry to be so blunt but where did you pick this BS from?

Not needing a romantic relationship to feel good and validated as a human being is SOO different from not caring if a relationship ended or not. Of course you care! Of course it hurts when things end! The important distinction is realizing that you won't actually be destroyed if a relationship ends, because it protects you from staying in unhealthy relationships out of fear. And this goes for everyone, poly or not.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:52 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 17
Default

I guess it was from a not-so-good poly resource. I can't tell which are good and which are not-so-good, so I've just read everything. Xeromag was a great help, though, and I should have started with that.

The resource I'm thinking of I recall repeating over and over that no relationship is permanent, that everything ends, and while that's true of many relationships, it's not something you want to keep in mind as you're in a relationship. And I'm a pessimist by nature--I didn't let myself acknowledge that I liked him until he told me he had feelings for me, and almost as soon as we became boyfriends, I started to try to prepare myself for when it ends. Then I realized that if I thought all the time about it ending and I didn't let myself live in the moment, I would never be happy in the relationship. So when I encountered such a pessimistic attitude, I was really worried.

I'm glad that the attitude you're expected to have going into polyamory is much healthier than that. I guess I had trouble seeing the difference between not caring and being able to move on.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-20-2011, 01:59 PM
Bahalana's Avatar
Bahalana Bahalana is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Brussels
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
One of the greatest sources of hesitation is that I don’t like the guy he wants to pursue very much. Ideally I’d hoped he’d find someone and we’d all love one another equally, but I know it’s unreasonable to expect that. I want to be his friend but I’m afraid if we don’t get along well enough it will make things unbearable.
If you don't like the guy you should tell your boyfriend. Don't tell him it's okay or not okay, tell him you don't care for him and why that is. Maybe you see something your boyfriend doesn't because of your different perspective, or your boyfriend could be blinded by NRE (I bet everyone here has seen it happen). It's also possible that your boyfriend could share something with you that could help you see this guy the way he does.

Either way if your boyfriend respects you your opinion should carry weight with him. But it is important that you don't do this as a way of putting off hard decisions.
__________________
Shhhh!!! Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits. I mean unicown wabbits.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-20-2011, 07:04 PM
Allstar Allstar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 67
Default

I teetered for months. Hell when she told me she was poly, I didn't speak to her for 3 days and thought about calling the whole dating thing off. I saw it first hand once, because my gf's other partner was here for an event. I haven't dated someone else yet, but we finally made it official that we would be the primary relationship. I can't say I am 100% ok with it yet, but I would say 85%. She is seeing him this weekend. Talk with him and be honest about your worries and feelings. Jealousy is an ongoing battle, even my gf that has been poly for a while has to deal with it. If I have female friends coming to visit she has issues with it. It doesn't make it easier, just relieves the pressure of worrying so much. Best of luck.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-20-2011, 07:06 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,669
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
I’m on the verge of telling my poly boyfriend that I’m cool with him pursuing other partners. But I haven’t done it. Something’s holding me back and I don’t know what.
Hi Periwinkle. I see you're a gay or bi guy. I see you saying on other threads that you and your boyfriend have a long distance relationship, you're both (more or less) asexual, and now he is interested in another guy. But I have more questions for you before I offer information.

Has your bf been poly long?
Is he experienced at how things go with a new relationship, when one already has a primary?
Are you both aware of how NRE can make things crazy for a while?
Does the new interest of his live closer to him than you do, so he can actually spend time with him on a regular basis?
If yes to the last question, how will you deal with jealousy and envy?

Quote:
I’ve looked at so many resources, more than I can count, but I still feel so unsure. I feel like unless there’s some resource I haven’t found that will make it all click and make me completely certain, then I have truly done all I can and the next step is to try the polyamorous relationship and see where it goes from there, with lots of communication between myself and my boyfriend.
Yes, one can read all one can find, but just as with having a child, you don't really know what it's like, the joys, the terrors, the warm yummy feelings, the negotiations, the time sharing, the fears (aka the poly rollercoaster), until you actually do it.

Quote:
One of the greatest sources of hesitation is that I don’t like the guy he wants to pursue very much.
Uh oh. Well, sometimes all a primary can do is give the go ahead anyway, and let their partner see the new one's faults for himself. Be there when he needs a shoulder to cry on, if/when it all goes bad. He might need to experience it for himself.

Quote:
Ideally I’d hoped he’d find someone and we’d all love one another equally, but I know it’s unreasonable to expect that.
That's called a triad, and it seems those are the hardest poly relationships to make work. It's really much easier to date separately. The "third wheel factor" in triads is really a tough one.

Quote:
I want to be his friend but I’m afraid if we don’t get along well enough it will make things unbearable.
If he lives near your bf, and you're hundreds (?) of miles away, you certainly don't need to be friends with the new guy. It is recommended you both be able to chat respectfully and politely. No lying, no taking potshots at each other out of jealousy.

Quote:
I feel like I could tell my boyfriend I’m comfortable with this if I detached myself from it all emotionally and convinced myself that I don’t really care about the relationship as I told him.
No need to push down your emotions. (That's such a guy thing... sigh...) Declare your feelings to your bf, but allow him space to make his own decisions and learn his own life lessons. Unless you think he is in real danger with the new guy, like, this guy is a criminal, or really crazy, or addicted to drugs, or just using him for his money or something, then do speak up!

Quote:
I really just feel like a horrible boyfriend. Should I wait until I'm certain about it or does certainty never come? Would you advise that I try poly anyway or I wait until I feel 100% comfortable (though I doubt I ever will)?
Yeah, you won't ever feel 100% comfortable. And even when you do start, there's a learning curve that can take a while to travel. This can feel bad, you may feel jealous. I guess you've read up on jealousy elsewhere, but there are plenty of threads on jealousy here as well. Good luck!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-20-2011 at 07:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-20-2011, 07:39 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 17
Default

Thank you all so much. The guy he's thinking of seeing is perfectly nice, really, he's just much better friends with my boyfriend then he is with me. I don't doubt my boyfriend's estimation of him, I'm just afraid that if it turns out we can't really be friends, it will strain the relationship too much. I really want to be is friend, though. I'm hesitant to get to know him more because he's got a lot on his plate right now--getting out from under an abusive parent--and I don't know if trying to talk to him would put pressure on him to socialize when he doesn't feel like it. He and my boyfriend live in the same city, so I guess some of my insecurities come from the fact that they can so easily spend time together. I would honestly be really happy if he could be around someone when he needs to be. My boyfriend and I are both moving soon to our respective colleges, where we'll be about six hours away from each other and able to visit.
To answer your questions, Magdlyn: He's known he's poly pretty much all his life--he says when he was younger his ideal relationship involved three people and he didn't know for a long time that people consider that relationship "wrong." I don't know what experience he's had with relationships before, though. The new love interest, like I said, lives in the same city as he does, but very soon my boyfriend will be moving to college. They already spend a lot of time together (and I don't grudge them that; I'm really happy my boyfriend has someone to spend time with in person).
As for dealing with jealousy and envy--I don't know. Before, when I'd bottle it, after a few hours I'd be curled up on my bed and wallowing in sadness, so I obviously need to do something. The poly resources I've read just suggest having something to do. Soon I'll have schoolwork to do, and in the meantime, I can do what I usually do when I have feelings I don't know what to do with; write it out. That always helps me.
There's nothing wrong with this guy, we just don't mesh as well as he does with my boyfriend, but I would never disrespect him or try to turn my boyfriend against him.
I think the next step is to work on getting to know him more, and tell my boyfriend I'm cool with them being together while talking through it.
(And I was a little shy to say again that it's a long distance relationship because I was afraid of not being taken seriously but I'm glad that's not the case.)
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-20-2011, 08:23 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,669
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
Thank you all so much. The guy he's thinking of seeing is perfectly nice, really, he's just much better friends with my boyfriend then he is with me. I don't doubt my boyfriend's estimation of him, I'm just afraid that if it turns out we can't really be friends, it will strain the relationship too much. I really want to be is friend, though. I'm hesitant to get to know him more because he's got a lot on his plate right now--getting out from under an abusive parent--and I don't know if trying to talk to him would put pressure on him to socialize when he doesn't feel like it. He and my boyfriend live in the same city, so I guess some of my insecurities come from the fact that they can so easily spend time together. I would honestly be really happy if he could be around someone when he needs to be. My boyfriend and I are both moving soon to our respective colleges, where we'll be about six hours away from each other and able to visit.
OK, so you're all young guys, teenagers or very early 20s?

Is the new guy also asexual? (BTW, you might want to choose nicknames or initials for both yr online bf and his new friend, to save confusion.)

Quote:
To answer your questions, Magdlyn: He's known he's poly pretty much all his life--he says when he was younger his ideal relationship involved three people...
Well, a 3some is a common fantasy, but that is not the only way to do poly. Usually couples date separately, and are only friends (metamours) with their partner's partner(s).

The fantasy of a 3way where all 3 love each other equally rarely works out in real life.


Quote:
I don't know what experience he's had with relationships before...
So, your online bf is new too? Maybe you've only been chatting him online just this summer while school is out? Time for some deeper talks about past relationship experiences and how you'd like the future to go. Long distance relationships are hard too... even when you are 6 hours away, that is still quite a long distance!

Quote:
The new love interest, like I said, lives in the same city as he does, but very soon my boyfriend will be moving to college...

As for dealing with jealousy and envy--I don't know. Before, when I'd bottle it, after a few hours I'd be curled up on my bed and wallowing in sadness, so I obviously need to do something. The poly resources I've read just suggest having something to do. Soon I'll have schoolwork to do, and in the meantime, I can do what I usually do when I have feelings I don't know what to do with; write it out. That always helps me.
And communicate! With your online bf as well as the new guy. Even if the new guy is busy, if he wants "your" guy he'd do well to get to know you as well.

Quote:
There's nothing wrong with this guy, we just don't mesh as well as he does with my boyfriend, but I would never disrespect him or try to turn my boyfriend against him.
OK, that's all right then.

Quote:
I think the next step is to work on getting to know him more, and tell my boyfriend I'm cool with them being together while talking through it.
(And I was a little shy to say again that it's a long distance relationship because I was afraid of not being taken seriously but I'm glad that's not the case.)
Well, in my personal opinion, online relationships are kind of an outline or template for a face to face, body to body one. See how things develop after your and your online bf actually meet. Maybe the new guy and your bf will gradually lose interest in each other when he moves away too, and all this will be moot. Maybe you'll meet a new guy (or girl, or transperson, if you're bi or pansexual).
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-20-2011, 08:55 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 17
Default

Ah yes I probably caused some confusion. My boyfriend is A and his love interest is S.
A is demisexual and as for S, I don't know. A has told me that the sexual aspect of a relationship is the least important to him, but the possibility of a sexual relationship between the two of them is really not one of my big worries.
We are all young: A and I are 18, and I think S is a few years older.
I realize now that it's not reasonable to want a perfectly balanced triad; I, like many newbies, thought that would make sure there's no jealousy or feeling of being left out.
A and I have been online friends for a while now--at least since January, possibly earlier. We started this relationship in June. But talking about our past relationships would be a good thing to do, as it would help us learn more about what we expect our relationship to be like. This kind of open communication is definitely something I need to work on, as it seems just really scary now.
I'd feel kind of bad if I didn't give A a chance to date S before he moved, but I have so little time. I feel like my only options are to rush into it or not give A a chance.
(P.S. I call myself homoromantic but I think something like gay-ish would be more accurate because . . . Anne Hathaway, though, you know? So breathtaking. If I were in love with a transguy I'd still say I was homoromantic.)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
3way, asexual, gay, jealous, jealousy, ldr, long distance, online, threesome, triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:18 PM.