Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 08-18-2011, 08:02 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,655
Default

There are some really great threads on "secondaries" and "unicorns" here if you do a search in the tags. You have rights to whatever you need. Time to negotiate and find out how everyone wants to go about getting their needs met. Ya, if you are a triad then you should have everyone's number... Kinda a given no? Oh ya and you might want to look up the tags for "lessons" and "foundation" too; it might help you get an idea of some stuff that works in starting a dynamic such as yours.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 08-18-2011, 08:28 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Gotta echo what everyone else says. Bring up these concerns and thoughts now...the longer you wait, the harder it get's because patterns in the relationship emerge early on. Best to start the conversation now!
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 08-18-2011, 09:11 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I think you'll find that each person tends to come up with their own meanings for certain words and for the most part it doesn't really matter what "community" you/they are associated with. If you have any doubt or there is ANY room for misinterpretation, ASK for clarification. For some reason your constant referal to "poly people" or "in the poly community" is bugging me. Just because there are 3 people involved, doesn't mean any of the basic rules of communication don't apply nor that you need to accept certain behavior you wouldn't from any one else you were in a relationship with. Don't assume anything.
I don't mean to be offensive by using those terms. They are not derogatory so I am not sure why it would bother you. I use them as clarification. I have never been in any relationship even remotely like this, so by pointing that out, I am acknowledging that my questions and concerns might be more out of ignorance than anything else. Also, there are a lot of terms and phrases used in poly relationships that are not used in others or used differently. I was simply wondering if "girlfriend" meant the same thing as it always has in my life because, again, generally monogamous people do not apply that term to a fuck buddy.

Forgive me, I am out of my depth. But I don't see how referring to polyamorous people as such or identifying their relationship in that way is wrong or should bother anyone.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 08-18-2011, 09:28 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,955
Default

They sound like swingers who want to keep their plaything to themselves with only their rules as acceptable. I don't think they really know what being polyamorous means. The fact that she so vulgarly asked if you want to suck her husband's cock -- when you simply asked to see them -- really shows that they are (or at least, she is) not thinking of you as a flesh-and-blood-and-heart-and-soul human being who might just want to get together and talk. She sees you as just someone to do her sexual bidding so she can get off.

What audacity and fucking nerve that you must be exclusive to them when they offer so little beside recreational sex on her terms only!

A girlfriend should be someone who does things with them, shares dreams and hopes with them, and has non-sexy times and well as sexy times. I wouldn't say yes to any exclusive arrangement with them unless I felt I was on level ground and/or could have other relationships. Do ask what they envision a girlfriend to be, exactly, and how they would like to see the future unfolding for all of you. I would think that if I've sucked someone's cock, and it's still not okay for me to have his email or phone number, or his dick inside me, then they've got some sexual and relationship hangups that do not sit well with me and I'm just being used like a whore. It's one thing to reclaim the word slut proudly, but if someone treats me with no respect and I feel like I'm viewed as their whore and sex toy, that's something I would never stand for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I don't mean to be offensive by using those terms. They are not derogatory so I am not sure why it would bother you. . . . Forgive me, I am out of my depth. But I don't see how referring to polyamorous people as such or identifying their relationship in that way is wrong or should bother anyone.
I get why it bothered her. Because being treated decently is something that anyone deserves, whether in a poly or mono relationship. That's why SNeacail wrote, "Just because there are 3 people involved, doesn't mean any of the basic rules of communication don't apply nor that you need to accept certain behavior you wouldn't from any one else you were in a relationship with." Your asking if it's okay to put up with what they've handed you in a poly situation does sound as if you are not using your own common sense about how you deserve to be treated in any kind of relationship. It also makes it seem like you think that poly allows for such gross mistreatment as you're getting. So, it could be frustrating to read again and again, "Is this acceptable in poly?" or "Is it okay to ask for this in poly?" when the problems you are dealing with are about how you want to be treated in relationships, in general.

It sounds like you know something feels wrong about this situation, but you are not trusting your gut intuition because you think polyamory might let some of those things slide (hence SNeacail's "Don't assume anything" comment). Poly is about love, respect, and honesty. The focus is not on sex, although of course it's an important element, in polyamory. If anything, poly requires ultra-vigilance in having respect and consideration for others. So, really, all you have to ask yourself is do you feel good about this arrangement and are you willing to accept the kind of treatment they give you?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-18-2011 at 09:57 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 08-18-2011, 09:51 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Hi there,

It sounds to me, like a few things are going on for the wife in this relationship.

#1- She can`t have sex, and she is worried about the two of you having sex while she is feeling vulnerable. If this aspect is new for her (her husband having sex with another woman) while pregnant, and unable to participate, is probably not the right time to start.

#2- Having you suck off her husband, or hand-jobs, is a way for her to feel like she is meeting her husbands needs, by 'supplying' you to him. Especially if she has a fear of being cheated on. You, in a way, are a puppet she can dictate, and she doesn`t have to worry about him playing elsewhere.

#3 - Asking you to be their girlfriend. - I think she might actually be trying to offer you some table-scraps to keep you with them.
The basic thinking being ; ' That all women are just happy to be 'claimed' and have a boyfriend.' She thinks of this as a gift to you,..to keep you happy.



Regardless,....all of it,..is not good for you. You will need to talk to them both directly and tell them your take on what polyamory is, and what you want out of the deal.

Also,..please remember, it is ok NOT to be negotiable on some things. When someone says to you, ' We don`t want you to have sex with other men.' Yet, you cant have sex with THAT man either, it is your REASONABLE RIGHT to state ; " I respect that you are not ready to share your husband in that way yet, however, I will share my body where I please. I will however, make sure to keep sex safe, and be true to all parties.'

You don`t have to 'ask' permission from anyone, to control your decisions about your own body.

Good Luck.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 08-18-2011, 10:28 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,099
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Is it possible that I am misunderstanding what "girlfriend" means? Maybe I assume it meant more...but do some people/couples in the poly community use that term for just an exclusive sexual partner? In the relationships I have been in, a man would never ask you to be his girlfriend if he just wanted to fuck you...that's just not how traditional straight mono men work...but is that Not the case with polys?
Speaking for myself, I don't call someone my gf or bf unless we have a tight loving relationship, and there's a real feeling of caring and commitment.

I did have a 2 year relationship with a younger guy that ended recently. I never called him my bf because our relationship was primarily sexual. I called him my boytoy or my playpartner.

I do have a gf, but we didnt call each other gfs until we'd been together about 6 weeks, and had several weekend long dates, and IMed every night for hours when we couldnt be together. When it started to feel odd to not say "I love you" at the end of a weekend together, or a night of chatting, that's when I realized I wanted to call her gf and say I love you.

If you and your couple have been having sex for four months, and never gone out on a date as a 3some or one on one, I wouldnt say you're their gf. But perhaps you and the woman do go out on dates, have long conversations about your lives, interests, feelings, ups and downs, cook and eat together, cuddle, watch movies, then maybe she is your gf. If she is, you should surely be able to feel free to talk to her about your needs in this triad: for the guy's phone number and email, for dates with him, for the ability to message him when you feel like it, to talk and enjoy him as a person, not just a sex partner.

Quote:
I think I am going to feel her out. I might ask when he and I can go on our motorcycle ride, since she mentioned that before...if nothing has changed and they aren't just looking for some ass, she should be cool with it. And then I can go from there...
And not just one motorcycle ride. What about going out on dates on a regular basis? Is she interested in that? Is he?

Quote:
We have planned on a sleepover next weekend, so we will see.
Good luck! Other people have addressed the sex part some more, so I'll leave it at that.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 08-18-2011, 11:23 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

I see what you are saying, but in reality my kind of "common sense" is not applicable in a poly relationship. Because while I have opened myself up to the idea and embrace it, there are a lot of things about polyamory that ARE considered demeaning or degrading in the more mainstream part of society. It would be considered disrespectful and wrong in the world I come from for a man to have sex with anyone other than his wife.

So it's not that I think polyamory is an allowance for bad behavior or that it is a degrading, hurtful scenario, but that I acknowledge that the rules ate completely different. They just are. It is not weird for a person who has always been in exclusive monogamous relationships to wonder if "girlfriend" means the same thing in this totally opposite arrangement. As it turns out, looks like it doesn't necessarily mean the same thing.

I don't want to be mistreated and won't tolerate it. But is my idea of mistreatment more a remnant of my previously monogamous lifestyle? Is it fair for me to expect or want to be allowed to have sex with someone else's husband? Up until now the answer would have always been no.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 08-18-2011, 11:44 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,681
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
It is not weird for a person who has always been in exclusive monogamous relationships to wonder if "girlfriend" means the same thing in this totally opposite arrangement. As it turns out, looks like it doesn't necessarily mean the same thing.
It's not that it means something different (other than "exclusive") when in a poly context, but that YOUR girlfriend may see it differently than you do. Each person here may even have their own definition of the word, ask 100 people, get 100 answers. This is not a poly vs mono or alternative lifestyle vs traditional issue, it's purely a communication issue between you and your partners. I am in a mono traditional relationship and my husband and I struggle with this all the time. Stupid, simple common words can cause massive issues becasue we are working off of different dictionaries and we were too lazy or too caught up in our own assumtions to clarify things.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 08-19-2011, 12:21 AM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

That makes sense. I wasn't trying to make generalizations. Maybe I am too accustomed to those traditional mono relationships, which have the same rules pretty much. So you Can ask what's "normal" and what isn't. I am beginning to realize how very different and unique polyamorous relationships are from each other and that maybe there is no "norm". I guess when you involve more people, that is natural.

I am hoping they bring it up...like, how it works and what is okay and what they want, so I can ask and then express my side and hopefully we are all on the same page.

Going there now. And no I don't intend on sucking cock. Lol
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 08-19-2011, 12:27 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I am hoping they bring it up...like, how it works and what is okay and what they want, so I can ask and then express my side and hopefully we are all on the same page.
Why can't you bring it up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Going there now. And no I don't intend on sucking cock. Lol
I hope you're better than me at not accidentally falling down and sucking cock.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
lessons, negotiating, respect, triad, triads, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:21 AM.