well it's official...but now what?

[Bahalana]

It sounds like you are just caught up in some serious NRE if you're actually letting this behavior slide. You always have a right to ask questions and express your opinion.

I know I don't have all the facts but I think they're giving unicorn hunters a bad name. (not that it was a good one to begin with)

This could still work out for you if they get their act together. If it doesn't however, don't let them turn you off of couples. Monos go through many partners before they find their alleged one and only. You may have to as well magical unicorn.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by CranberryStardust

So this isn't normal? I guess I thought it was common.

Well it is common for people new to poly to have these sorts of "rules." You and yr partner can do this, but not that. Kiss but not make out. Make out but no groping. And on down the line. (Not saying having rigid rules is healthy or workable, I think it's a newbie mistake.)

But when youre all 3 in the bed, kissing and groping and fingering and sucking, and anal penetration is allowed, I find it insulting his penis in your vagina is off limits. You 3 need to sit down and talk this out. Don't agree to just talk to her, make sure he's in on the conversation too.

I can understand why it would be different to see your husband mess around with someone than actually have sex but why would they ask me not to have it with anyone else? Is there any good, non selfish reason?

Nope, just fear and jealousy.

I guess my mono upbringing, nature and past is what keeps me mum on these issues. It feels very strange to even consider saying to another woman, "I need and want to have sex with your husband." It's the ultimate no-no in the non-poly world, which is where I am from.

Yes, sounds like all 3 of you are new to this, and have unrealistic expectations. Stand up for yourself, woman!

I suppose there is nothing wrong with seeing where It goes and hoping for things to become more even and open. I want to have sex with him so badly...but I won't be able to enjoy it if I think she is going to be angry or hurt. I just don't know how long I can be content with just fooling around.

As a side note, she is pregnant and just found out she is high risk and can't have sex for 3months. So as it stands now, ain't nobody getting laid.

Oh dear. Good luck. Don't let them push you around. She's treating you like an object: "You wanna come suck some cock tonight?" Bleh.

[CranberryStardust]

Thank you for your advice and perspective, all of you.

They have actually done this before. She has asked me To go on dates with them and just with him, which hasn't happened yet...I have had too much going on to really invest a lot of my sparse free time into the relationship, especially since up until now it was strictly sexual.

It would make more sense to me if He had started the whole thing and she was a reluctant, maybe jealous participant, but it was her idea. She sought me out. And if I am going to be not dating or banging anybody else, seems like they would step up to fill the positions.

I like them both but I will admit, I do like him a little more. And I honestly think if he and I could be alone (never have been) or even communicate directly with each other, we would become very close.

[nouryia]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Yes, sounds like all 3 of you are new to this, and have unrealistic expectations. Stand up for yourself, woman!

Oh dear. Good luck. Don't let them push you around. She's treating you like an object: "You wanna come suck some cock tonight?" Bleh.

I'm sorry to say but I agree with Magdlyn. You deserve better, speak up!

[peabean]

I think it's very important that you stand up for your needs now, rather than wait it out. If she is this possessive I imagine pregnancy will only make that worse. Pregnancy hormones can be very overwhelming and can make any relationship hard, I can only imagine trying to work out a new triad while pregnant. If this is their first child then massive life changes await them and taking your needs into account during all that upheaval will be a challenge.

As the wife in a triad I can understand her difficulty, but if she really wants a triad she will need to work on her expectations. At this point, it seems like you are her girlfriend, but not his.

I think one thing that throws many couples for a loop when trying to form a triad is that their relationship will need to change too. If you want something long term with a third person all relationships must evolve, including the original relationship. Perhaps she is uncomfortable with that feeling. I know for a while when we started dating our girlfriend I thought that my relationship with my husband was slipping out of control, but once I recognized it as an evolution of love I was able to handle things better.

Since their relationship is about to evolve with the addition of a child, the evolution into a triad will be that much tougher.

If I were you, I wouldn't agree to the 'no dating anyone else' request at this point. In fact, I find that kind of request a bit rude, since they haven't been very accommodating to you.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by peabean

I think it's very important that you stand up for your needs now, rather than wait it out.

Since their relationship is about to evolve with the addition of a child, the evolution into a triad will be that much tougher.

If I were you, I wouldn't agree to the 'no dating anyone else' request at this point. In fact, I find that kind of request a bit rude, since they haven't been very accommodating to you.

I couldn't agree more with these three statements. My girlfriend of almost two years and her lovely husband recently had their first child and the changes/difficulties have been huge (not that it hasn't been worth it!).

I've calmed down a little since I posted earlier and I'm willing to give your lady the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she truly doesn't understand the natural insecurities and needs that come with your position as the third coming into an established relationship. Maybe when you lay out for her everything you're feeling and going through she'll say "Oh wow, I didn't think about it that way," and then either say "it was unfair of me to ask you not to date outside me and hubbie because we can't offer you everything you need and deserve right now" or "I will do more to make you feel like a full member of this polyfidelitous triad that I've been trying to set up, starting with a long overdue one-on-one date for you and hubbie... is Tuesday good for you, I know he's free then. After the two of you get that basic level of communication going, the three of us can get sit down for a bigger talk about where this is going, especially in light of our upcoming child and all the changes that will bring."

On the other hand, if her response is more along the lines of "lolwhat, you have needs?" then I reiterate my advice from earlier -- get out and find another person or another couple who will treat you like a person who deserves respect and not a sextoy... they're out there. You can read my blog in the Life Stories section if you want an up-close perspective on a similar situation.

I know it's scary as hell to put your cards on the table, risk what you already have, and make yourself vulnerable. But I truly think this situation will just lead to more heartbreak if you allow her/them to continue to think that everything is fine until it gets to the point that you're hurting so much you have to leave for your own sanity. If she's worth it, she'll listen to you. That's the very least we owe our friends and lovers.

[CranberryStardust]

Is it possible that I am misunderstanding what "girlfriend" means? Maybe I assume it meant more...but do some people/couples in the poly community use that term for just an exclusive sexual partner? In the relationships I have been in, a man would never ask you to be his girlfriend if he just wanted to fuck you...that's just not how traditional straight mono men work...but is that Not the case with polys?

I think I am going to feel her out. I might ask when he and I can go on our motorcycle ride, since she mentioned that before...if nothing has changed and they aren't just looking for some ass, she should be cool with it. And then I can go from there...

We have planned on a sleepover next weekend, so we will see.

[AnnabelMore]

I just can't stop posting on this thread. It reminds me too much of my own life, I think. I'll say one more thing and stop for now. Her "Wanna suck some cock tonight" message could be taken one of two ways. It could be a sign that she just thinks of you as a sexual prop for their marriage, sure. On the other hand, if you haven't shared your distress and concerns with her in a way that let's her know you're serious and really questioning the relationship (not sure whether you have or haven't, but let's say you haven't) then it could just as easily be that she truly cares for you and was just, in her mind, being sexy and flirty and fun. People can't avoid saying hurtful things if they have no idea that you might be hurting over something. You'll never know which it is unless you lay it out to her.

Pretty much anyone who's been doing poly for any length of time can tell you -- because so many complicated issues and emotions are involved, consistent, clear, honest and thorough communication is absolutely essential for success, moreso even than in a good mono relationship. Just letting things slide and hoping it'll work out will not cut it. That doesn't mean you have to share everything under every circumstance (they call that radical honesty)... for instance I decided to suck it up and NOT tell my gf how sad I was not to be able to be at her birth, because it wasn't something that could reasonably be up for negotiation anyway, and it just would have made her more sad and stressed at an already difficult time. But things about the basic structure and rules of your relationship? Those cannot be ignored.

My gf and I end up talking a LOT to keep our relationship going in a healthy way, and, yeah, I end up initiating most of those conversations because I more frequently need to work stuff out than she does. Like I said above, the position of the third just comes with a host of attendant questions and insecurities. On the other hand, if her husband had super strong NRE with me and she was in the role of the jealous, hurting wife (thankfully not the case) I imagine there might be more to talk about from her end.

Ok, actually going to try to focus on work now...

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by CranberryStardust

Is it possible that I am misunderstanding what "girlfriend" means? Maybe I assume it meant more...but do some people/couples in the poly community use that term for just an exclusive sexual partner?

I think you'll find that each person tends to come up with their own meanings for certain words and for the most part it doesn't really matter what "community" you/they are associated with. If you have any doubt or there is ANY room for misinterpretation, ASK for clarification. For some reason your constant referal to "poly people" or "in the poly community" is bugging me. Just because there are 3 people involved, doesn't mean any of the basic rules of communication don't apply nor that you need to accept certain behavior you wouldn't from any one else you were in a relationship with. Don't assume anything.

[Anneintherain]

erm...did you ask either of them for his phone number? I know I wouldn't think to offer my husbands phone number if nobody specifically brought it up that they wanted it. She might have no problem at all, and if she does, better to know ASAP.

But yes, I am sure I'd say "I know I said I wouldn't date other people, but I need to have a sexual partner, so I have to know if I will be able to have sex with "whateverhisnameis". If not that is fine, I still would like to be involved with you but I'll be dating other people"

I don't think you should be focused quite as much on worrying YOU are going to make her uncomfortable, focus on making yourself comfortable! (Anyway I tend to think that a good 50% of new relationships is having awkward conversations!)