well well well... here I am
uh, I wrote this insanely long story last night from midnight to half past one about how I came to "poly" (If that's indeed what I am) but then didn't post it. Too long winded and scattered.
I have been "out" for about 8 years now and still don't really know much. Last year I was in a monogamous relationship with an old flame who required it of me as a condition for us to have a romantic relationship. After about 6 months I was disgruntled. I tried to wait it out, thinking maybe it was a phase and reminding myself of all the wonderful aspects of our relationship, but around 9 months I called it quits and told her I needed to go back to "being poly".
She stayed with me for a while and tried to adapt, but most any romantic activity on my part having to do with someone else threw her into rage, anger and/or despair. She threw me out of the house a few times (I think the third time I actually left.) and broke up with me a few times. My response was typically to let her feel her negative emotions but to continue to communicate with her and usually afterwards we would come out on the other side feeling... well, our perceptions vary greatly. I felt like every incident actually brought us closer together, that we understood each other better and that our bond became stronger. Conversely, I would hear from her that I didn't understand and that entire conversations might as well not have happened because nothing had changed.
I have had my doubts, but I like to wait before making big decisions. I thought that maybe I was wrong for trying to be with her. It was obviously causing her a lot of distress for her to be involved with me if I was going to be seeing other women. The other option was for me to not see other women, which I had tried and caused me to be distressed to the point I mentioned before. So the third option was for us to not be together, something she had initiated several times already but I kept coming around and talking with her, loving her and we would always end up back together.
I was once told the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. So this last time I didn't try to stop her from ending it. I started having sex with one of the women I've been seeing (before that, I had been dating but hadn't had sex with anyone but her for about 15 months). I knew that this would be the "nails in the coffin" so to speak as she had told me several times that if I ever slept with another woman, she would not want to sleep with me anymore.
Well, I'm getting long winded again. It's so hard not to. I have a hundred and seven different thoughts and tangents all at once.
One of them is the concept that this woman has meant so much to me, not just in the past year but in my life. I don't know that I've ever been closer to another human being. The main contender for that position would be my mother, who was my best friend until she died about 10 years ago. But I think that Nyx has taken that spot because I was a child for most of that relationship and this one has been one of adults. Maybe I'm just being wistful and romantic. But regardless, she is important to me and now I'm involved with a new woman, one I'm just getting to know. She is delightful, yes, but there is not nearly the depth and the history (yet) I've developed with Nyx.
I went to a restaurant in Berkeley once where everything on the menu had interesting empowering names. You ordered items like "Energetic" (a Lemon Fizz) or "I'm Amazing"- (Cous Cous entree) with a side of "I'm Generous" (Spinach salad). When the server first came to our table she asked us, "What do you love more than yourself?"
This was a difficult question for me as I instantly thought that it was impossible to love something more than oneself since all love for that which is outside ourselves comes from the foundation of love we have within. If you don't value your own love, then what value does your love have? I was in a philosophical dilemma. My answer came to me, though.
I think this is what polyamory means to me. It means not closing the door on opportunity. I means exploring the infinite rather than limiting potential. I have felt it work wonders on my heart, mind, spirit. I've discovered the more I love the more love flows from me.
There's a quote from this Brazilian author, Paulo Cohelo, in his compilation called "The Manual of the Warrior of the Light."
"The warrior of the light knows there is no such thing as an impossible love. He is not intimidated by silence, indifference or rejection. He knows that underneath the mask of ice that people wear, there beats a heart of fire."
I feel the power of my love present in my life both now and in the past. I might be a little crazy/romantic, but I feel like this amazing thing is just the tip of an iceberg.
Damn. I got off on a tangent. The original point I was getting to was basically I have traded something wonderful for potential. I traded my savings account for lottery tickets. I left my job to hike across Europe. You can make favorable or unfavorable metaphors for what I've done but the important thing to me is that the way remain clear, that I remain free to move and love as I choose.
And then again, I might not really know what I'm talking about at all. I feel differently than I did last night, this posting has taken a turn I didn't expect.
Anyway, nice to make your acquaintance and I look forward to chatting w/ y'all.
Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.