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Old 08-18-2011, 12:12 AM
MamaBear MamaBear is offline
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I'm new to polyamory, as if you couldn't tell, and I'm the poly one while my husband is mono. We have a newborn, he's about 5 months old .
We've talked about this and have decided to finally just get in there and do it. I'm a little nervous, because I've never done this before and I'm not quite sure where to start. Help?
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Old 08-18-2011, 05:36 AM
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read here, do tag searchs for topics that might interest you and learn.... then, ya, just try something out... remember to be patient and forgiving of one another... you really have no idea what doors will open up so pace yourself and don't forget to breath.

Oh, ya. and report back to us.... k?
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:34 AM
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Welcome, MamaBear!

RP's advice is always good. There are no set rules on how things must go, but there are some good guidelines:
1) There are no set rules on how things must go, but there are some good guidelines. (This is important enough to repeat, yes.)
2) Communication is critical to any successful relationship but especially to poly folk.
3) Be proactive and honest with your communication.
4) New relationship energy (NRE) can cause toxic overdoses. Funnel some of that energy into preexisting relationships to avoid blinding yourself or having them feel ignored.
5) Talk to your existing partner about a new person before talking to the new person. This shows you care about the existing partner and avoids surprises. (You're not bringing home a new fish, after all.)
6) Adapting to life as a self-identifying poly takes some adjusting. That's true for your partner, too. Give it time and know that it gets better.
7) A poly's love may be able to grow unbounded, but the clock has limits. Managing your time can be more important than managing your heart.
8) Have fun.

As for finding other poly folks, there is info on events in these forums, meetup groups, and all sorts of ways to connect on the web (OKC, OkCupid, is a common point if reference). If you have specific questions, a problem, or a specific situation, post here, and someone will chime in--or many someones. Recognize that this online community is often blisteringly blunt. Expect some tough questions if you need help getting through tough spots.

For reading here, I'd suggest tags of interest and the "Life Lessons" thread to start.

Best of luck.
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Old 08-18-2011, 01:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaBear View Post
I'm new to polyamory, as if you couldn't tell, and I'm the poly one while my husband is mono. We have a newborn, he's about 5 months old .
We've talked about this and have decided to finally just get in there and do it. I'm a little nervous...[/FONT]
How will you manage to nurture an infant, your relationship with your husband, and grow a new love relationship, all at the same time? Maybe your baby is sleeping through the night for a bit now, but quite often that ends once they start to teethe and crawl. Sleep deprivation can make one crazy. Don't wanna get all involved with a new person when one is overtired and cray-cray.
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Old 08-18-2011, 02:17 PM
MamaBear MamaBear is offline
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Thank you all for your input! I'll be sure to start looking around the site.
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Old 08-18-2011, 02:40 PM
MamaBear MamaBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
How will you manage to nurture an infant, your relationship with your husband, and grow a new love relationship, all at the same time? Maybe your baby is sleeping through the night for a bit now, but quite often that ends once they start to teethe and crawl. Sleep deprivation can make one crazy. Don't wanna get all involved with a new person when one is overtired and cray-cray.
You bring up a valid point, my dear, but as I said my husband and I have talked about this and it is not as though I am ignorant of my limits. Baby's develop at their own paces and my son is already teething and well on his way to crawling. He sleeps through the entire night and if he happens to wake up early, say around 7 am, my husband knows that I have been with him all day and cares enough to be the one to make him the bottle and feed him. My husband is a very big support system for me and we know each other well enough to know that our relationship will not falter. Also. I more than believe in my capabilities to create and hold another relationship with another person. Many people are married, with children, and still manage to hold their relationships with their other lover. I'm not looking for the perfect relationship, because I know they don't exist and if being in another relationship outside my husband doesn't work then it just doesn't work, but until that time comes, if it ever does, I will be prepared for it.
Thank you for your concern.
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Old 08-18-2011, 04:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
How will you manage to nurture an infant, your relationship with your husband, and grow a new love relationship, all at the same time? Maybe your baby is sleeping through the night for a bit now, but quite often that ends once they start to teethe and crawl. Sleep deprivation can make one crazy. Don't wanna get all involved with a new person when one is overtired and cray-cray.
K and I have a 7-month-old (today is his anniversary. Crawling, atanding, walking on the edge of stuff, but no teething yet). Pursuit with a newborn is an exercise in time management and proactive mutual support. It can be successful, but everyone must be on board.

A poly with a partner who also need a lot of reassurance or who is not actively supportive of the poly makes would best call for a reprieve. A poly with supportive partners who don't require a lot of maintenance is in a better spot. Regardless, careful planning to meet needs is still required. I find that it helps to figure out time needed for the baby and then double it works best.
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaBear View Post
You bring up a valid point, my dear, but as I said my husband and I have talked about this and it is not as though I am ignorant of my limits. Baby's develop at their own paces and my son is already teething and well on his way to crawling. He sleeps through the entire night and if he happens to wake up early, say around 7 am, my husband knows that I have been with him all day and cares enough to be the one to make him the bottle and feed him.
Well, that's cool. I am used to breastfed babies. I'm a lactation specialist and have been for over 20 years, and most moms' babies do not sleep thru the night at this age. In fact, now I work as a parttime nanny for a family with twin infants, 9 mos old, and a 4 year old. None of them sleep through the night. The mom describes their nights as a game of Whack A Mole.

Quote:
My husband is a very big support system for me and we know each other well enough to know that our relationship will not falter. Also. I more than believe in my capabilities to create and hold another relationship with another person. Many people are married, with children, and still manage to hold their relationships with their other lover.
Most poly people here do not feel ready to take on outside relationships until the child is at least 2-3 years old, but maybe you'll be an exception.

Quote:
I'm not looking for the perfect relationship, because I know they don't exist and if being in another relationship outside my husband doesn't work then it just doesn't work, but until that time comes, if it ever does, I will be prepared for it.
Thank you for your concern.
You're welcome.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 08-18-2011, 07:39 PM
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I chose to focus entirely on my child until he was at least three. He is still the primary focus of my life, even at 8. It depends on the child, the values, the circumstance, the people who are your partners, work, all of it...

As long as I am always looking at where my priorities are (and I have chosen him and my self first) then it seems to work. Of course priorities change along the way and are worth constantly looking at, but really it seems children are usually the main focus of ones life... Demanding little buggers that they are...
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