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  #121  
Old 08-17-2011, 06:30 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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I've read over most of the thread from the start, thought I admit to skipping over an occasional entry. I think I understand your frustration MT. I do find my husband moves at a much slower pace when it comes to adjusting to poly life than I do. I can imagine how hard it is to be faced with such resistance from your wife.

And yet, I see the other side of the coin. I was not the one looking to venture out of my originally mono relationship. My hubby didn't tell me everything when we were first dating...hence I thought I was dating a straight male. Took him almost a year to admit to being Bi. We eventually opened our marriage so HE could find a male lover, and he did. And it was a struggle for me...the most difficult decision I'd ever faced. I was scared to lose him and worried I'd opened up a can of worms that would be the END of us. Fast forward to a few months later, I decided to join in for a bit of 3some fun in order to ease MY jealousy/envy because I REALLY wanted to be OK with it.

The irony: His male lover (with whom he's had a warm loving sexual relationship and still does) ended up falling in love with me. Now my husband is the one who's dealing with jealousy issues...very slowly. Some days, I wish I could just run away from the whole poly thing, but those are exceptions. Most days, I feel VERY lucky to be allowed all that extra love.
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  #122  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:52 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
I've read over most of the thread from the start, thought I admit to skipping over an occasional entry. I think I understand your frustration MT. I do find my husband moves at a much slower pace when it comes to adjusting to poly life than I do. I can imagine how hard it is to be faced with such resistance from your wife.

[...got involved with husband's male lover...]

The irony: His male lover (with whom he's had a warm loving sexual relationship and still does) ended up falling in love with me. Now my husband is the one who's dealing with jealousy issues...very slowly. Some days, I wish I could just run away from the whole poly thing, but those are exceptions. Most days, I feel VERY lucky to be allowed all that extra love.
Ha! Sauce for the goose!

More seriously, I hope it works out well for you.
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  #123  
Old 08-19-2011, 01:44 PM
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Ha! Sauce for the goose!
Indeed, lol

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Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
More seriously, I hope it works out well for you.
And thank-you...we're working on it
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  #124  
Old 08-20-2011, 01:35 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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After two years of feeling like I'm head over heels for another woman, today I got the strangest sense of calm. For the first time, I no longer feel like I'm being torn in half, and the sense of pining is gone. I still feel a fondness for her, but I no longer feel a desperate sense of longing. The internal tension is gone, and it's very eery--like a loud café that has suddenly gone silent.

I'm now finding myself asking, "Am I sure I'm polyamorous?" It has been such a painful time for me these past two years, and now I feel ... nothing. I feel like I need to reconnect with my wife, to make sure that I can still feel love for her--I feel that still inside.

It's very weird. Has anyone else felt like this?
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  #125  
Old 08-20-2011, 01:07 PM
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A real cautiousl guess: Are you tired? Totally worn out and numb? After going through a hard time of constant suffering, worrying and sorrow I tend to feel like you described just because I was unable to keep on like that. My head chooses to take a break and shifts focus. Your love for your wife is like an absolute term that doesn't cause suffering for you itself. Maybe because of this you start to concentrate on it for now.

I have had a good friend whom I wanted to help. But she didn't wanted me to do so. I was hurting over her situation and felt for her but she didn't want me to get involved. After some months I just had to move on and let her be.

I was calm, just like you described your feelings, after a phone call. She told me the same old stories again and I suddenly got the feeling: I know, you have told me numerous times, I can't do anything and I know what you will tell me if I try to. I was calm and listened to her, started to be simply there for her and pulled myself out of it. Because I couldn't change it and I stopped trying to start at a point to fix things that was out of my reach. But our friendship was still there and I decided to start there, because it had suffered over the arguments of the past months.

We are still friends; after I let the more private matters of her slide and worked on our friendship she suddenly started listening again one day. I don't really know if she didn't trust me back then, if she wasn't ready to accept the truth or what ever. I just stayed at her side and waited for a better chance. Our friendship was stronger after this. I used to believe that my advice got a stronger impact after the change and the time that went by.
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  #126  
Old 08-20-2011, 08:29 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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A real cautiousl guess: Are you tired? Totally worn out and numb?
I would say so. I've been unable to get proper sleep for weeks, and when awake, I had been feeling like I was being torn in two.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy
After going through a hard time of constant suffering, worrying and sorrow I tend to feel like you described just because I was unable to keep on like that. My head chooses to take a break and shifts focus. Your love for your wife is like an absolute term that doesn't cause suffering for you itself. Maybe because of this you start to concentrate on it for now.

I have had a good friend whom I wanted to help. But she didn't wanted me to do so. I was hurting over her situation and felt for her but she didn't want me to get involved. After some months I just had to move on and let her be.

[...sudden calm...each was finally able to listen to the other...]
Yes, sudden for me, too. That caught me flat-footed. I want to be able to trust my feelings, but I'm unsure if I can right now.
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  #127  
Old 08-22-2011, 04:05 AM
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Questioning your polyness isn't necessary I would think... just be, heal, re-group and get in touch with you again. Silence is golden that way.... ahhhhh a clear head! Enjoy and be good to yourself for a bit before making any firm decisions on what lies ahead.
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  #128  
Old 08-22-2011, 07:39 PM
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Default Talking to your son

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My son, of course, knows that something is up, but does not know what. I don't know what to tell him.
What your son is feeling right now is a lot of upheaval. With the impending move and the sense that something is going on with Mommy and Daddy, plus the new and strange hormones racing through his system... well, he's gonna be pretty confused.

He's fearing a loss of security. You, as his parent, need to continue to focus on reassuring him that you love him no matter what. That you're going to continue to be there for him. Send regular pictures. Get him used to the new city. Then to the new house/apartment. Have him send a few things ahead to set up in his room.

You also need to include reassurances similar to how parents speak to kids after a divorce. This is not to say that you're divorcing... just that the conversation is similar. "Mommy and Daddy love you very much. I know we're fighting a lot now. We live in different states and you don't see me very much. I'm still your Daddy. Mommy is still your Mommy. Our life looks different now than it did 6 months ago. Our life will look different 6 months from now too. I know these transitions are hard." Ask for his questions and keep asking - some early teens are not terribly forthcoming.

Even if he just grunts at you, you need to keep talking to him and reassuring his security.
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  #129  
Old 08-23-2011, 01:02 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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[...a lot of stuff that will be useful if what I described four months ago ever actually comes to pass...]
Fortunately, thus far, it has not. But then, I've made no new steps forward, either.
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  #130  
Old 11-05-2011, 07:56 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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It's been awhile. I've been trying to live Real Life for awhile instead of its online version.

I had thought that my crush had subsided, but I work with her, and she walked into my office today, and (it may sound silly) but the way her hair moved as she walked through the door just floored me.

I am so helplessly, hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with this woman-who-is-not-my-wife, and have been for a long time. I've never told her, because:

I am also in love with my wife, and owing to her ultimatum (she said she would leave me if I ever had sex with another woman), I am terrified of losing her (and my son).

This is tearing me to pieces. Hello, sleepless night, my old friend and enemy.
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