Lonely Unicorn

[onequarter]

In my very limited adventures, I've noticed a lot of people on OKCupid looking for what you're looking for. Try looking in your area and doing a search for "polyfidelity" or "polyamory" and see who's looking.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by KellyBryan

We're a loving FM couple and are very committed to each others happiness. We're looking to find someone to form a FMF triad with who we can both be equally involved with - an equilateral triangle kinda thing.

We're interested in getting to know someone with the possibility of adding a third person to our family (sounds like more what you are looking for too). We'd like to do the whole dating and falling in love x3 thing.

I guess you could say that we fall into the "unicorn hunter" box - but we dislike boxes a great deal. We're aware that in this crazy mixed up world it's rare to have found someone else that you can experience life so completely with as we have. We're hoping for lightening to strike twice.

What you seek is near to impossible to find, yet it seems to land on peoples doorstep sometimes when they least expect it. Usually without looking.

It's almost impossible to find someone that will love both of you equally and whom you will love equally. Sex, sure, no problem, even at the beginning during NRE the going is good until the person, that is the cause of your relationship structure to become a triad, realizes they prefer one over the other, usually the male. Or they feel like a third wheel or are really a secondary in the whole arrangement.

There is a ton of potential for failure in unicorn hunting... why? because usually the original couple has not grasped the fact that they need to stop acting as a unit in the search and start being independent.

It's kind of a dichotomy. The couple seems to find they are interested in building their relationship and so want to add a woman. The idea is to fulfil what they are missing in some way and that she will do this FOR them. The woman of course is to be fulfilled also as that is only fair, but when the chips are down, she will usually be secondary and therefore not achieve the same rights as the couple to love, caring, closeness, consideration etc.

So, its important for the couple to be independent in the relationship that develops, yet how can they do that if they don't act independently in their search and in their lives ahead of time...how can they come together when it actually happens. It is likely not going to be as is thought when there is a whole lot of independent minded people all in it together, rather than a whole bunch of co-dependent people... if that makes sense... co-dependent triads are a very rare find.

My suggestion for this? Be independent and find your own paths in life and love while walking side by side... if you should be lucky enough to have a unicorn fall on your lap then you will be glad you did... if not, work on a vee relationship dynamic and be happy with it. There is nothing wrong with a good ol' fashion vee!


I also suggest doing a tag search for "unicorns" and/or "secondary" "seocndaries" so as to see what others have written before you. There is a really good thread called "a secondarie's bill of rights" that might help...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by eezeegoing

I'm just courious to know how the females felt the first time they knew their guy was with another woman. My guy and I recently talked about bringing in another woman into the relationship for several reasons, one, he was a high sexual drive, and two, I can have a good friend to talk to and enjoy her company. We figured he could start by seeing another female once a week so that I could get used to it, however, I felt jealous after he was at her house for 5 hours and I thought he would be at her place for maybe 3 since it was my first time sharing him with someone else. I'm dealing with jealousy issues but am still open in trying to continue with him seeing this other woman as well as trying to understand how to get over my jealousy issue.

We are new to this and were not brought up with the idea of having a polyamory relationship.

Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason? Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason?

I don't know, Cindie. It was her first try at sharing her bf and 5 hours can seem really long if you were expecting a 3 hour date at most. This is a boundary that can be discussed.

Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.

Well, she did say she wants to become friends with the new woman. The guy wants sex, sure, but maybe he is not averse to feeling feelings as well! Emotions, not just orgasms, I mean.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

I don't know, Cindie. It was her first try at sharing her bf and 5 hours can seem really long if you were expecting a 3 hour date at most. This is a boundary that can be discussed.

Well, she did say she wants to become friends with the new woman. The guy wants sex, sure, but maybe he is not averse to feeling feelings as well! Emotions, not just orgasms, I mean.

You're right. I agree that the 3 hours vs. 5 hours issue is something they need to discuss and agree to boundaries on. Well, if it hadn't happened the way it did, eezeegoing and her bf wouldn't know what they need to discuss next. I think my response sounded harsh, which I didn't intend. I was just caught by how it sounded to me like, "we decided to bring in another woman once a week to service my boyfriend, and I'll get a friend, too." But there really wasn't enough info about the situation to draw any kind of conclusion. I think I've been influenced by seeing a lot of posts here lately from people who say they want poly but seem to be really focused more on recreational sex than developing relationships. Perhaps it's not how eezeegoing views how they are approaching poly; however, it certainly is in line with the OP's reason for beginning this thread.

Ah, human relationships can be so complex, even when we think it should be so simple!

[Bahalana]

Originally Posted by MadameSyrinx

Everybody wants a threesome but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do with my vacation.

How was your day?

[Vallin]

What is the exact definition of "unicorn"?

[Bahalana]

Originally Posted by Vallin

What is the exact definition of "unicorn"?

A unicorn in polyamorous circles colloquially refers to a single, bisexual woman, who is interested in forming a polyfidelitous triad with an already established couple of a man and a woman. The choice of the label unicorn should demonstrate the perceived rarity of such individuals and the somewhat belittling and diminutive fashion that people looking for them are often viewed in by the polyamorous community.

If you need any part of this explanation explained I suggest you do a little research instead of asking. You could start by rereading this thread more carefully because all of this could have been fairly well inferred, even though it was not explicitly stated.

If this sounds like it has a tone. Sorry, it's only somewhat unintentional.

[Allstar]

I agree with what everyone is saying. Me being mono, after about a month of dating my current gf she told me she was poly (I already knew she was bi). I am not sure where I will end up, but I am openminded for right now. We have a great relationship started between us. No one says you have to find them both at the same time. Try to find a relationship and see how they feel about the idea, just balance when you feel comfortable to tell them with how far the relationship is. You don't want to be falling down the slope of love and then them freak out and leave all of a sudden on you. I will admit, I didn't talk to her for three days until the shock was over, but I came around.

[loving3]

Originally Posted by MadameSyrinx

I recently discovered that being a single, bi, poly woman... and a young pretty one at that, can be an utter curse. You would think that the lineups of couples desperate to spice up their love life with a token bi girl.. that it would be at least pleasant. I find it utterly lonely, and a true testament to people's complete selfishness.

I am not a toy, or a hooker. I am not a sex therapist, or the solution to a failing marriage. I am a young woman, who wants a loving woman, and a loving man, in my life. I want to be treasured like the remarkable person I am.

Everybody wants a threesome but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do with my vacation.

Am I doing something wrong?

That is what we are looking for. My husband and I are looking for a fun loving female, that wants to be a equal part of our family. We do not want a 3 sum - one night stand. We want to find a female that would like to live with us and become a complete 3 - Couple! The life of a married couple but of 3! We have tried friends, and it never seems to be more than a one night stand. We are looking for someone that would like to talk about there day over supper or just relaxing snuggling and laugh about our day in bed..