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  #11  
Old 08-16-2011, 11:01 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I think turning this into a blog post would be good, I have seen lots of people post advice, answers to questions and whatnot on peoples posts in the blog section, as it gives the opportunity to see a persons whole history in one place instead of trying to remember it or looking up past posts to try to remember things you've written about in the past. Easier to give pertinent advice if you end up posting long term I think.

I should really start one sometime but I find I don't know where to start so I haven't. When my 1st husband and I became poly, LORD it was a lot of work - luckily this second time round with my 2nd husband, he is a 20+ year poly vet and I already know how I feel about everything so it's much more anticlimactic, but I sure remember how exhausting it was staying up til 2 am every morning talking everything to death, this time after the first month there wasn't even enough stuff to keep us busy talking about it during happy hour!

I hear you on trying to figure out what secondary means for you and if you can do it. I'm in my first relationship where I am seeing somebody that couldn't be anything other than that for tons of reasons. Balancing emotions for this seems so much harder than the other relationships I had where they were single and open to being in a co-primary relationship with me while I was married before. I might kill about now if I had a clue about how to do light and fluffy and keep things in perspective!

I guess the good news is it does usually get better if everybody is willing to do that tiring work! I suggest learning to dream about self help and communication so you can improve on relationship skills while catching up on sleep though
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-16-2011 at 11:05 PM.
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  #12  
Old 08-17-2011, 02:00 AM
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In that perspective, the blog post thing makes sense. I'm just not sure I've got much to put into one...my life is pretty boring in a daily sense, lol.
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Old 08-17-2011, 07:34 AM
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Tired? Freaking exhausted is more like it.

I often feel like I'm being torn apart. I love my (mono) wife, who is not very happy with the idea of me being poly, though she has shown some signs of having done some thinking about it. I have also carried a torch for another woman for a couple of years, though having only recently come to the realization that I'm poly rather than a potential sleaze bag cheater, I've kept those feelings bottled up and haven't told that other woman, though the torch still burns as brightly as ever.

I don't sleep much. I want to tell that woman so badly, but what to do? My wife and I have not yet reached, and quite possibly may never reach (in which case, our marriage may well end--I don't know how much longer I can take the strain of being a square poly peg in a round mono hole), a state where I can date someone else, much less express affection (or more), so I tend to think it best to keep it to myself. She has a boyfriend of her own, and I have no idea if she's poly friendly, so there's a lot of potential for getting shot down there, too (though perhaps that would simplify things for awhile, even though it would hurt).

Dear Wife just got back from an extended visit with her family, so I didn't bring the subject up tonight. I wanted her to be able to mentally transition home and relax. It'll come up again soon. I hope I can just persuade her to read a few things and think, and then we can talk--sagency's stuff is brilliant, and "katrpillar" has also written some brilliant stuff on the livingpolymono list. There's also the spectrum from no to yes.
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2011, 12:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I might kill about now if I had a clue about how to do light and fluffy and keep things in perspective!
Hmm, this one got me thinking. Why does everything need to be light and fluffy and in perspective? I mean, LOVE is heavy and messy and out-of-proportion more often than not.

I would totally get the need to keep things fun and casual if that was the set-up of the whole relationship from the get-go, i.e. NSA/FWB/fuckbuddy arrangement.

Also, the whole NRE/nesting instinct tends to work against keeping things in perspective .
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  #15  
Old 08-17-2011, 12:46 PM
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I have felt exhausted at times and I have felt drained and totally over polyamory. Right now I'm feeling energised and enriched. In hindsight my periods of exhaustion were usually because I was resisting something. W have to remember to go with the river that is our life and not against it. Acceptance takes so much less energy in the long run.
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  #16  
Old 08-17-2011, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hmm, this one got me thinking. Why does everything need to be light and fluffy and in perspective? I mean, LOVE is heavy and messy and out-of-proportion more often than not.

I would totally get the need to keep things fun and casual if that was the set-up of the whole relationship from the get-go, i.e. NSA/FWB/fuckbuddy arrangement.

Also, the whole NRE/nesting instinct tends to work against keeping things in perspective .
I personally squashed down any feelings of NRE in my secondary relationship for the first several months, because I'm too practical (and stubborn) to get carried away if it seems too risky. Recently I've decided to embrace it since the relationship is still going and it's nice to feel it now, and I think it's made it easier on my SO.

I don't know if nouryia has discussed this stuff with her secondary, and I certainly don't think that heart-wise a secondary relationship has to be any less deep and loving than a primary one, and since it seems she would like the idea of more, I don't know if her bf wants clear lines of primary/secondary, if she does, or if she only thinks there should be a clear difference so it's not so damn confusing.

In my case I think I meant my secondary relationship to be FWB, and a couple of months ago when we spoke on it we seemed to be at the "really like each other stage unless the other person feels more and then maybe we were open to more". Now with things feeling differently for me I sure don't have any desire to talk to him about it anytime soon. Some partners it is easier to talk to about this stuff, some it's hard and scary to talk to about where feelings are at - and if it turns out feelings are more one sided - well that gives more potential either for the relationship to end or for a lot of stress in a relationship, so having a light and fluffy viewpoint would be so helpful to...avoid dealing with that fallout .

I _think_ I welcome an intense messy love affair at some point, but man, some relationships are too complicated to keep around without going crazy or keeping it simple.
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  #17  
Old 08-18-2011, 12:19 AM
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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
Justlost: Sorry you're feeling so much pain. Communication is always a good thing, no matter what kind of relationship one is in and I'm trying to teach my husband to say what's on his mind in a way that's constructive, not hurtful.

He tends to bottle things up and act out for a few hours/days instead. Very passive-aggressive. And when he gets to finally let out what bothers him, he comes out fighting and insulting. But he's getting better slowly...and so is our relationship. Baby steps...

Considering he's had to watch his male friend with benefit and me, his wife, fall in love, I've cut him some slack...
sounds like I would benefit from talking to your husband as we are in very similiar situations....

I wonder if I do the bottle-up thing? hmmmm food for thought!
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Old 08-18-2011, 05:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
If by bloggy you mean it's a bit too long, I apologize, I was trying to explain how I was feeling lately and asking for feedback. If you meant that I'm not asking a specific enough question, I thought I was. My intent was not to blog (or I'd go back to LJ).

I was just wondering if the way I've been feeling juggling the various aspects of a new poly life was typical and hoping for some feedback from more seasoned folk. Let me know what kind of posts are forum-ish and I'll try to abide by that in future...Or feel free to move my thread in a more appropriate section, sorry.
Ah, there is a question... no biggy, no need to apologize, just thought I would see. carry on.
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  #19  
Old 08-18-2011, 08:03 AM
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Communication is vital. But... (ready your rotten vegetable throwing arms) sometimes we really should just shut the hell up. *duck*

Seriously though, the impetus is to talk talk talk. However, people also need time. All the comments about "it gets better" should really say "it gets better over time." When we poly folk announce sound grand thing to our partners, sometimes the worst thing tk do is insist on talking about it. "Honey, I brought home a Poseable Goth Doll <tm>, and we're in love! Now let's talk about it in exhaustive detail, I'll tell you my deep emo stuff, and then it's your turn to tear out your own guts."

Really?

We may want to talk it to death, but sometimes Honey needs a chance to process what the heck just happened before he or she goes about the process of emotional self-evisceration. Learning ~to~ talk is important, but the next step is learning how much to talk. Each person has their own capacity for taking in and processing information. Our desire to output may not match our partners' capacities for input. If you overload that system, communication gets garbled.

Instead, fed data at a rate that doesn't overload the input and allow processing time before expecting output. We want that output right away, but we've likely been processing a subject for some time already if we're articulating it for others. Those others are just receiving the data, and they'll need some time like we'd already had.

And don't forget the heart is a muscle. Overtaxing muscles makes them hurt and makes them tired. Sometimes we need to take a break from the constant probing to let the muscles rest. (Bonus points to the leacherous folks who just chuckled at the term "constant probing".) If you have a scab, taking care of it helps it get better, but that doesn't mean constantly picking at it. If you pick at it too much when it's trying to do it's thing, you might leave a scar.

If you're tired, slow down and breathe. Your problems will be there waiting for you tomorrow. Unless your problems just needed some time to process and heal on their own.
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  #20  
Old 08-18-2011, 05:04 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Sagency: Beautifully said. It IS nice to take a break from all that stuff from time to time. I'm learning slowly how to find peace of mind and heart. Today is a very good day in that respect
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Last edited by nouryia; 08-18-2011 at 05:14 PM.
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