Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #111  
Old 08-17-2011, 11:53 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

It's call Saran wrap in North America, but cling wrap is the generic term. (Like Kleenex vs tissue, Q-tip vs cotton swab.)

I don't understand how the femdom would be effective? Unless there are different types of female condoms? The one I'm thinking of looks like an oversized male condom, with a hoop on the inside end (like a grappling hook!) and a bigger hoop on the outside end. It offers relatively little protection to the outside area compared to a dental dam.

Congrats on the no sex though. Hehehe. I can relate.
Reply With Quote
  #112  
Old 08-17-2011, 02:49 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
It's call Saran wrap in North America, but cling wrap is the generic term. (Like Kleenex vs tissue, Q-tip vs cotton swab.)

I don't understand how the femdom would be effective? Unless there are different types of female condoms? The one I'm thinking of looks like an oversized male condom, with a hoop on the inside end (like a grappling hook!) and a bigger hoop on the outside end. It offers relatively little protection to the outside area compared to a dental dam.

Congrats on the no sex though. Hehehe. I can relate.
Thanks for the translation help! And yeah, it's super weird to progress slow-ly for a change. Actually anticipating the first kiss and stuff...weird .

To me, the femdom seemed workable; there's so much rubber hanging outside, you know? At least it felt workable when I did a quick manual inspection of myself while wearing one. For actual intercourse with a real-live penis and all, they are less than optimal, though.

And onwards, to topic 2, aka as why I'm uncomfortable with talking about myself to people I really care about.

I just realized on Monday why I tend not to talk about my own personal difficulties with people I love, those that have no bearing on our relationship - stress, medical problems, sadness etc. I just really don't want to make people worry.

Why? Well if I cause people worry, the sky will fall down! City streets will be covered in blood! The earth shall shatter and oceans will rise and take its place, killing billions on the way!

I don't know what would happen. Something very bad, in any case. So I mustn't, under any circumstances, cause people worry.

Must support others. Must be strong, punctual, have things under control. Must always be reachable. Must not never for no reason turn my phone off. Must talk to people online if they initiate. Must never discuss doctor's appointments or medical complaints. Must never change plans without informing everyone well beforehand. Must never stay too long on any errand.

Otherwise, people will be worried and that's no fun.

So if my head's about to cave in, I will make everything ready for a prolonged absence, get myself ready to go and then make a polite phone call to let them know I'm about to have myself committed to a phychiatric hospital for a few months, and could they please take care of my plants while I'm away?

Because that will surely not create any anxiety and paranoia as to how deeply I'm covering my feelings under a smile and a "I'm good, thanks, and you" in the hearts of my near and dears .

My obsession with my phone, for example, goes back to my mother's approach to wireless communication. She will get absolutely ballistic if I don't respond to her calls. She can call me 29 times and send 18 messages during an hour and a half if I've forgotten my phone somewhere. I can't turn my phone off in a movie theatre without texting her beforehand that my phone will be off for x amount of time and I will call her immediately after the movie ends. And she will always call me if I send the text to make sure - I don't actually know what she's trying to make sure. That I'm alive and it's not somebody else texting from my phone, maybe?

So I fear that other people will answer with extreme anger if I cause them to worry, and will make whatever issue I'm having all about them, how bad they are feeling because I told them about this, how worried they are now for me, how they can't let me do anything now for the fear of the x thing I'm worried and insecure about happening, ending with me having to console them for causing them discomfort with opening up. This is a basic belief about other people I really need to test and work on.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #113  
Old 08-17-2011, 07:12 PM
Teiksma Teiksma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Riga Latvia
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This!

I think I'll print that sentence out and hang it on my door - love it!

I love it too!
Reply With Quote
  #114  
Old 08-19-2011, 02:21 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default Why Moonlightrunner is super-awesome and totally good for me

Topic three that needs to be addressed.

In case someone whose been reading hasn't noticed, I have fallen for Vanilla. Badly. Big time. To a point where I'm struggling to keep my head above the water of NRE.

I felt like an NRE monster. Here I was, neglecting existing partners to go romp away with the new one, if only in the emotional sense. Since I didn't feel this intense, all-consuming passion with Moonlight, I must be taking him on for a ride. He would just be getting the emotional sloppy seconds of me, not the full-on attention he deserves.

And then the horror, the mayhem! I was over their place one night and we didn't have sex with Moonlight ! I was too tired after a ten-hour work shift. We made up for the lack in the morning, but I was still petrified. If you no longer are humping at every opportunity, it must be that things have staled down beyond repair, right ?

Due to past experiences, I freak out way too easily over any and all sex-related weirdness in a relationship. I was convinced my relationship with Vanilla was about to turn entirely platonic after a similar fall asleep without prior sexy times-experience a month ago, which I took to mean we were, after two months of dating, in the middle of the fabled Lesbian Bed Death(Over-reacting? Me? How can you say such a thing?!?!).

You can probably see why I value partners who are a bit less excitable and have a firm grasp of reality.

So I took a few days to mentally prepare for my "I understand if you want to break-up with me"-talk with Moonlight. It went something like this.

"So, you know, I'm really in love with Vanilla right now."
"I've noticed."
"Um...does it, like, make you feel bad, or sad?"
"As long as still you like me, too, I'm happy for the two of you."

All the anticipation! All the drama! For nothing? Talking about an anti-climax right there.

He also went on to talk about how he somehow, even after such a short time, feels very established with me. Like the love between us is born more out of shared attachment than intense infatuation. I truly feel like a satellite member of their family now.

And he's making me a skirt for my b-day. Totally non-poly related, but just wanted to gloat over having a man who can sew .

Also, Vanilla told me just recently she doesn't feel the need to look for any additional relationships right now. She feels so fulfilled with me, all her needs are being met, and her head is too full of my rose-tinted pictures right now. In her previous relationships, when she's been with a man, she's felt like maybe a woman would be more up her alley, and with women she has yearned for a man to come along. She said I'm the first one she's ever dated who doesn't make her feel like she's lacking something in her life. I know it's the NRE talking but I like what it's saying. And her need for male companionship is pretty much catered to by her FWBs. She said it feels funny that now when she finally has the opportunity to explore other relationships while with someone, she doesn't need to. Maybe it was just the freedom she needed before. And a few years along the line, when we're more established, there's time for others.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #115  
Old 08-19-2011, 03:59 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
You can probably see why I value partners who are a bit less excitable and have a firm grasp of reality.
Have I mentioned before that you're freaking adorable?? Because you are!
Reply With Quote
  #116  
Old 08-21-2011, 03:29 PM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

I can relate to the thing about your mother and causing people worry. My mother used to expect that I call her and talk for about an hour each day. And if I didn't answer my phone she would freak out completely. I, too, worry a lot about people getting angry over stuff like that. Last fall I finally weaned her off the phone convos. Now we talk a few times a week. It was difficult. I got a lot of accusations of me not loving her, etc.

I am terrified of falling in love with a vanilla. I'm not sure that I could engage in sex without any kink. O, my previous partner was a vanilla and that did not go well. I suppose though if you have multiple partners it isn't such a big deal. That's awesome though that she feels really fulfilled. sounds like it's going well. I would imagine it just takes time to integrate all the relationships and gain a good collective rhythm.
Reply With Quote
  #117  
Old 08-22-2011, 10:41 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

Your realisations about not wanting to make people worry sound like important ones! I'm sure some of those are behaviours you can change now that you've noticed them. Just thinking about having to be by the phone all the time, or else drama, makes me so anxious! It does seem you need some firmer boundaries with your mother..

Go Moonlightrunner! It's such a good feeling when your expections of major drama are met with an anti-climax like that. And then you feel sort of silly for building the whole thing up because the anticipation has been so much worse than it had been if you'd just talked right away. Been there, with different issues..
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #118  
Old 08-22-2011, 11:45 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,103
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
I am terrified of falling in love with a vanilla. I'm not sure that I could engage in sex without any kink.
Oh my! Terrified of loving! No, don't be terrified of that. Loving someone will make it beautiful, and a loving relationship is about lots more than sex. Besides, what kinksters call vanilla sex (what a put-down!) isn't really necessarily boring or unadventurous. AND, if you're poly, you can also have another lover to do kinky shit with. So, if love comes your way, don't fight it or be terrified, let it in!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #119  
Old 08-23-2011, 12:34 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

I agree and disagree but I elaborated more in my blog. Youre right to say I shouldnt be closed off to that completely but I do have some valid concerns there.
Reply With Quote
  #120  
Old 08-23-2011, 01:27 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,103
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
VanillaIce is a kinkster. I love her, want to make her happy. Even if it means going out of my comfort zone at times. In the meanwhile, I'm trying to sort out if there is something in BDSM I could identify with, what is something I'm comfortable with and what I'm not okay with. Tender boundary-exploration in-process.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
BU, I thought I remembered you saying, some time ago (perhaps not long after you joined here?), that you're not into BDSM at all.
Oh, I was wondering because you were sounding like an expert already.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 08-23-2011 at 01:37 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break up, couples, jealousy, nre, triad fallout/vee, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:03 AM.