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  #11  
Old 10-24-2009, 02:44 PM
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Mono, you have to know what an inspiration you and your love for Redpepper are. The mindset for monogamy and polyamory are so very different in many ways. The fact that you love her enough to live so outside your comfort zone is awesome. I admire you.

Now, I just have one question for you and I do get that these are your thoughts and how you feel and have nothing to do with how she feels. You said you feel that sex is the highest form of communication and the gift she gives you for your depth of love for her...then how do you view the depth of love she has for you? What is that?

I am by no means giving you flack. I just am trying to understand better. And will be willing to expand on my thoughts that led to this question if you would like.

Vol
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  #12  
Old 10-24-2009, 04:16 PM
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You said you feel that sex is the highest form of communication and the gift she gives you for your depth of love for her...then how do you view the depth of love she has for you? What is that?

Vol
No worries about flak my friend

Redpepper has the most depth of love for me that I have ever felt. She has proven this over and over. I completely understand that she fundamentally loves and expresses love differently than I do. I also cannot understand at all how that works.

Disclaimer!!
This is the "my opinion of her opinion" section LOL! I could be wrong about her thoughts.
Redpepper and I have a different view of sexuality and of sex. I feel it is only something to share with someone I love and, because of my monogamous nature, that love is directed at one person therefore so is my desire to have sex.

I only intimately love on one level. I feel she loves on different levels, such as with our friend her tertiary. She also has always approached sexuality as an area of general interest and takes a lot pleasure in exploring it and discussing it. I am much more private in what happens but am loosening up primarily to share a part of her life I see as very prominent.

Her criteria to have sex is different than mine....this is a relatively simple concept. I don't see that as her not loving me as much. But yes, I do at times question the criteria she has, but only because mine is so black and white and extremely narrow.

Do I think the sex she shares with me is any less intimate or communicative than the sex I share with her? Absolutely not! Our energy flows through each other and we feel whole. I know the difference...I’ve slept with people I did not care for or was merely exploring for curiosity on both parts. It was “dead” sex.

Do I think the idea of sexuality or in fact enjoying sexual acts is so dependant on "love" in her case. No. But I think that is very normal, especially in the sex positive social circle we are in.

The entire post above is based on how I view and incorporate sex in my life and relationships. Is it perhaps “boring” or very restrictive on me? No, because I see freedom in my understanding..freedom from a life revolving around a need for connection displaced by the idea that sex was the path to it.

This is about me.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 10-24-2009 at 04:46 PM. Reason: because I wrote it so fucking fast :)
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  #13  
Old 10-24-2009, 04:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Disclaimer!!
This is the "my opinion of her opinion" section LOL! I could be wrong about her thoughts.
Redpepper and I have a different view of sexuality and of sex. I feel it is only something to share with someone I love and, because of my monogamous nature, that love is directed at one person therefore so is my desire to have sex.

I only intimately love on one level. I feel she loves on different levels, such as with our friend her tertiary. She also has always approached sexuality as an area of general interest and takes a lot pleasure in exploring it and discussing it. I am much more private in what happens but am loosening up primarily to share a part of her life I see as very prominent.

Her criteria to have sex is different than mine....relatively simple. I don't see that as her not loving me as much. But yes, I do at times question the criteria she has, but only because mine is so black and white and extremely narrow.
I understood that your original post was strictly your feelings.

And the quote here helps me better understand your position and feelings now.

I guess I just needed a bit of clarification. While I don't know Redpepper's true feelings about sex, I have a feeling that mine align more with hers than with yours (which hasn't always been the case...I used to feel closer to how you do). I have a more relaxed attitude regarding sex. I don't have to be in love with someone I have sex with. But if I love the person I have sex with, there is something different there and in what I feel while having sex. It's hard to describe but I'll go with you on this and describe it as the energy is different. I do not hold myself back during sex with the men I love. I don't trust men other than those I love with certain aspects of my sexuality.

I asked the question about what RP's love is to you because I feel that is the gift she is giving you. Not sex. Sex she shares with you. She enjoys with you. You have input into. She has sex with you because she likes you and loves you.The love she bestows upon you is because you are the person you are. At least speaking for myself, the love I have for Gator and Tech is because they speak to me on a deep level. I can NOT share that with just anyone.

Ok, not saying this well. Let's try this...

While I can have sex with those I don't love, I can NOT love everyone I am capable of having sex with.

That is why I see the love she gives you as the gift....not the sex.

Vol
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  #14  
Old 10-24-2009, 05:05 PM
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While I can have sex with those I don't love, I can NOT love everyone I am capable of having sex with.

I totally think that this is the norm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ourquad View Post

That is why I see the love she gives you as the gift....not the sex.

Vol
the key is, this is how you see and feel about it. I respect that. We simply view things differently. I have no need to convince others of my views nor do I want to take on the views of others. The integration of sex and love, as well as the secondary role it plays in love connection is very specific to me. I respect other aproaches and can be healthy within a relationship where my aproach is different than others...within certain limits of course LOL!
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  #15  
Old 10-24-2009, 05:14 PM
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I'm so sorry! I didn't word any of that right if you thought I was trying to change your mind or that I thought you were trying to get me to change mine.

I respect how you feel and I can even understand how you feel.
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  #16  
Old 10-24-2009, 08:48 PM
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WOW, this thread just keeps kicking my ass, making me smile and leaving me feeling warm and comforted by a bunch of strangers who aren't even talking to me!

Ourquad-wow, I totally feel what you are saying! I have tried so many stupid times to explain it to no avail and wish I could just memorize your words and repeat them verbatim-see if it helped!

Mono-you touch my heart. You're words do ring true to me even though I see things more like ourquad. You are just.... wow. You are just a wonderful man and some days you bring tears to my eyes. In my defense today is already a really teary day for me, but still, you move me.
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  #17  
Old 10-24-2009, 09:23 PM
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If I had to pick one thing that I have learned from this board and the ppl who are on it, it would be.....

Everything relationship is different and everyone is different the key here is to be true to yourself and open and honest.

This is why I think Mono and RP will make forever a reality.I dont know how you did it Mono or how long it took but your introspectivness of you is amazing.I pray that someday I will be able to be that understanding of myself.
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  #18  
Old 10-25-2009, 12:41 AM
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I'm so sorry! .
No worries at all my Ourquad. It was my response that came out wrong

Thanks LR and Maca....you are too kind.

Peace and love
Mono
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  #19  
Old 10-25-2009, 12:45 AM
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I dont know how you did it Mono or how long it took but your introspectivness of you is amazing.I pray that someday I will be able to be that understanding of myself.
5 STEPS

- Have it all
- Lose it all
- Realize you didn't have it all to begin with
- Find out what it was you didn't have (I paid some one to help)
- Use the knowledge gained to affect change

Lastly - if you are lucky enought to find some one who will hold you through all of this, cherish them, honor them, and love them.
And, yes...I am talking about Redpepper.
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  #20  
Old 05-30-2011, 03:48 AM
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Default Derby and RP - Setting the record straight

There is a more than ridiculous belief that my not struggling with the relationship RP has with Derby degrades the relationship itself. It is sometimes implied that, because their intimacy does not disturb or turn me off, I see sex and love between two women as somehow fickle or ďless threateningĒ. This is honestly as poor a connection as saying that because I donít mind my partner eating apples but do mind them eating oranges than I must not value the apple as a healthy and nutritious food. Basically, this gives the completely irrational implication that I only place value in things that disturb meÖlike genocide and animal cruelty; clearly I donít value loving homes for pets because they do not disturb me. Get my point?

Hereís the truth about my view of RPís relationship with Derby as well as my relationship with Derby herself.

I embrace the relationship they have. I am genuinely concerned that they get their needs met as a unique couple. When they struggle, I worry. I worry for RPís heart and Derbyís heart. When they are happy, I look at them with warmth in my heart and happiness that anyone who actually sees us all together could not deny. Derby is an amazing friend and metamour. Her own concern for RPís relationship with PN and myself highlights her complete selflessness within all of our lives. I enjoy her company and friendship on itís own merits. We often sit together at gatherings and have our own connection that is unique and lasting. Beyond that I also care about her husband, as he is a friend as well. When trouble affects one of us, we all pitch inÖbecause that is how lasting connections and tribes thrive.

Everything I said above is equally valid if you replace Derby with RP's husband. There is no difference, no degradation, no less value placed in the connection between these to metamours. My happiness is affected by their happiness. I care for them both very deeply.

If your partner is completely at ease and embraces something you want, I suggest you seriously be grateful for that instead of trying to warp it into something that feeds your own doubt.

Well that feels better
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