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Old 08-14-2011, 06:01 PM
Bellerina Bellerina is offline
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Dear Everybody, I hope you are having a great Sunday.

I am wondering whether you may be able to please help me gain perspective.

I am a lady who is living in Germany and I met my US / NY long - distance bf in 2009. I was expecting to be able to finish my studies earlier like in 2010 or so, but unfortunately a lot of things happened that made it impossible to reach my goal before December 2011.

One of the big reasons i am not with my boo right now is that I can not stay longer that 3 months in the US. I need to finish my mastersīs degree scholarly essay and this takes 6 months. If this was London / Copenhagen etc. I could move there with him any time and get a job (not allowed to work legally in the USA yet).

Be that as it may, our situation is very complex.

This summer I wanted to hop over and spend 3 months with him.
However, he lost his job and talked about the fact that he needs to focus on his career and how, all of a sudden, he is worried my life-path would not naturally meet his if we had not met in 2009. He does not want me to mess up my studies.

I accpeted his answer and then signed up for a holiday job and a working contract until Jan. 2012 in my college town in Germany.

He found a job in the meantime and seems mad I am not in his town by now.
However, I can simply not afford to put my life on hold randomly.

We talk several times a week and usually it feels great. Our connection is very strong because we are both very expressive.
Moreover, we have been poly since 2010 and i am very, very torn about it.
On the one hand i see how this gives me the opportunity to seek out people without feeling bad or guilty about it. I do understand this concept and I do understand why we signed up for.

I really do love this man and i really believe we relate on many levels.

Now comes the part where I am at odds with myself. Now comes the part where I do not know whether I just should let him go and walk away.

He has been seeing my former facebook penpal. We had a do not tell policy
, but facebook made it very easy for me to figure out who he is dating.
It is torturous for me and i unfriended both of them so i could no longer look at their walls. There are several online communities where she demonstrated her desire for him. It drives me mad sometimes since why are people doing this so publicly on a a global network, when they can meet privately? He is in Harlem and she is in NJ.
It happened several times that he asked me to be more private on internetpages (Blackplanet) since he works for these companies. It seems, however, he is okay with this lady uploading little online gifts for everybody to see onto his page. He also never acknowledged me as his gf on facebook, but he accpets that his lover uploads pictures of them as a couple (which is very painful for me).


One of the reasons I am not there is because it seems like every time I am
trying to hop over he 1) pushes my jealousy buttons 2) or else.

I asked him to please be careful. Now everybody seems to move to google plus. I moved there too until i noticed the lady is publishing comments there and those related to a public funeral they both attended. I immediately deleted my google plus account since - i have no desire to be once again in such of a situation where i get it rubbed into m face that she is chasing him online.
She did not know the person who died and she went there though -- seemingly without him, took pictures and he sent me a link to the funeral and thus to her flickr account. Many people took pictures because this whole memorial was designed to raise funds for the family who lost a son in the waves of Indonesia.


I feel i have become very toxic over the last couple of weeks and months for him. We are planning on me getting together very soon.
I feel I am a very bad for him because I ask him to be monogamous and he always turns me down.
I am bad for him since there is so much drama in his life (funerals, dad in hospital, etc) and I am very unhappy with the way things are going.

Sometimes I feel i should just be fair and let him go, let him do his thing.
I tried to end the relationship, but he is telling me he needs and loves me.

I am confused and all of this does not help my studies. I get distracted and
emotionally very upset sometimes and i feel i am being unfair since I keep hurting him and myself.

I think I am being toxic for everybody right now. He is willing to visit me in September.

Hope to hear your opinions soon.

Best - Bellerina
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  #2  
Old 08-15-2011, 03:17 AM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
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Long distance relationships are very difficult. I met my husband online and we were apart for a very brief amount of time. This was back before facebook,etc. We met in a chatroom and I can totally relate to the how seeing another person paying attention even though you agreed to be poly would be kind of difficult. I think you were right to delete your accounts.

I would probably not be hasty since it sounds like you have feelings for this guy. However, I know your studies should come first. How hard would the visit be if he was able to visit? As far as your studies go?

I can't say that I did even feel a little twing of jealousy over something a friend just recently said about a mutual friend of ours. I was surprised she said she wished she could have a booty call with my friend, and it came out of left field for sure. I certainly could begrudge either of these people some happiness, but I wouldn't want to know about either, so I that's where I relate to your pain in seeing others interested in your guy.

I guess I have no words of wisdom but I can definitely relate to your quandary. I hope you will not neglect your studies though. You have come this far, and it is only another few months.

Best wishes to you.

mg
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Old 08-15-2011, 06:33 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellerina View Post
He also never acknowledged me as his gf on facebook, but he accpets that his lover uploads pictures of them as a couple (which is very painful for me).

I have no desire to be once again in such of a situation where i get it rubbed into m face that she is chasing him online.

Sometimes I feel i should just be fair and let him go, let him do his thing.
I tried to end the relationship, but he is telling me he needs and loves me.

I am confused and all of this does not help my studies. I get distracted and
emotionally very upset sometimes and i feel i am being unfair since I keep hurting him and myself.

I feel I am a very bad for him because I ask him to be monogamous and he always turns me down.
1. Have you asked him to talk about you as a girlfriend on facebook? Is there anything stopping you from posting romantic or loving things on his wall for everybody to see? If you have, did he ignore you or say sweet things back? Does HE post anything romantic about her, or do you just have a problem with her posting pictures?

2. I do have to say, this woman probably isn't "chasing" him online. Are they in a relationship but since you have a DADT relationship you don't know? Does she know you are in his life? It just isn't helpful to project motives to this other woman, when it's your boyfriend you need to be communicating with.

3. Do you want a mono relationship? Well - if so, yes, you should break up with him. Of course he loves you and needs you, but if you need something else, let yourself be free to pursue it. Maybe you meet somebody wonderful and a year later you still want to be with this other guy and decide you could be interested in polyamory - perhaps you forget about him - perhaps you find in 2012 you haven't moved on and are willing to give it another shot. One thing is pretty likely though, if he has said no to being mono (when he COULD HAVE LIED and then done as he pleased and kept you on the hook) he isn't going to give you that, ever.

You are staying there to focus on your studies and life goals, please take care of yourself first. Nobody can decide if a relationship is worth having or not except the people in them though. Good luck!
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  #4  
Old 08-16-2011, 02:42 PM
Bellerina Bellerina is offline
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Hey Everybody,

many thanks for answering and helping me out.

I guess, I will just pull out or pull away and see what happens.

I am really tired of talking, debating, discussing and all.

I need to now watch out for myself and try to find a partner who is maybe
more considerate. I will not break up immidiately, but i will focus on what i need and see whether he will somehow wake up and follow my path or he will
just maybe find somebody for himself who is going to take my place 100 percent. Basically, I will keep things light. Maybe he is not happy himself and
realise he needs somebody else.


Maybe it just was not meant to be between me and this guy. I mean i tried to make it work and he did it too, but our relationship keeps getting one blow after another. It is stressful and maybe things would not be that different if we lived together or close by.

One day I will be able to love somebody else just as much. Then, I will be wiser and make smarte choices and will not overlook the little differences that
will cause big trouble for me.

Wishing you all the best and I will keep you up to date.
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