considering poly but with a mono partner !!

[febus68]

Hi all,

i think the timing is just poor when she and I met. it was just by chance that we met and now it has been just over 1.5 years since.

maybe what i'm going through is normal. i just happened to date a woman who is conservative, mono-minded and hasn't had a more serious romantic relationship than this one.

i need a break from serious long term mono-relationships and she's ready for one. the way i feel is that i will end up cheating on her if she expects long term monogamy.

i guess what i need to do is end our 18 month relationship since i'm not ready to be in a mono-relationship yet. because i love her that's going to be hard.

if she knows i'm seeing other women then maybe she can get on with her life and move on and find a mono-minded man ready for whatever it is that she wants.

I think my poly-mindedness is just a phase because of my past mono-commitments that didn't work out. because i care about her i've tried to fit myself to her desires and obviously that isn't working very well because here i am on polyamory.com/forum/ asking advice on what to do.

thanks for listening and helping me sort things out.

truly,

febus68

[nicothoe]

For years the wife and I used to joke with each other saying things like, "You'll do", "I think I'll keep you" and "You're my favorite." Since opening up the marriage, I find myself replacing the last one with "You're my favorite wife."

[febus68]

yes... it's nice when a spouse or significant other allows a freedom after understanding that the freedom is something you want and might even need for your comfort or development.

[MorningTwilight]

Originally Posted by febus68

why do i want to marry her ? good question. because i love her and we do enjoy our time together when we do spend time together.

Lots of people who aren't married feel the same way about each other.

It sounds to me like marrying this woman is a disaster in the making. You will have to either shut down and repress the poly part of yourself or else likely make another ex-wife. It's much better to find these things out now than it is after you tie the knot.

You have no children together, and you want different things out of the relationship. You have no reason to cement this particular incompatibility into stone through marriage. In fact, it doesn't even seem like, unmarried, the two of you can stay together if you actively practice polyamory.

Red flag after red flag after red flag.

It's your life, but in your shoes, I wouldn't tie the knot. I'd have an earnest conversation, and then if it came to it, wish her the best and part company while you both still don't have very much to lose.

[nycindie]

Febus68,

One of the most loving things you can do is let her go so she can find someone who wants what she wants, and is willing to give it to her. Better that a relationship end on good terms than bad - which is likely how it would be if you marry and then feel trapped. As much as I hate hearing a guy tell me, "it's unfair for you if we continue," it really is a compassionate thing to do.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Febus68,

One of the most loving things you can do is let her go so she can find someone who wants what she wants, and is willing to give it to her. Better that a relationship end on good terms than bad - which is likely how it would be if you marry and then feel trapped. As much as I hate hearing a guy tell me, "it's unfair for you if we continue," it really is a compassionate thing to do.

Sounds like good advice to me. This woman has never been married or had kids (if she wants them of course). Essentially she hasn't had the full mono experience required to go on this type of journey in my opinion.