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Old 08-15-2011, 03:33 AM
Stacy Stacy is offline
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3
Default Poly and I want a divorce but he does not...

Hi I'm new here and I am going to start with a novel..sorry

Background...I have always been polyamorous even before I knew there was such a thing. I had always envisioned my love life like a game of Frogger...jump on ..jump off depending on what was going on in our lives..travels, jobs, new relationships, relationships that went bad...nothing too serious but I had 4 men in my life concurrently for 5 years...until I met my current husband.

He was married , in an open relationship and I tried to keep things casual. He just started showing up out of the blue, dominating my time, demanding exclusivity, to the point where I just hopped off my logs and sat on the bank cause it was easier(looking back this should have been the first red flag). He and his wife started having problems, she ended a long term relationship and demanded monogamy which ended their marriage and he landed on my door step(again out of the blue) with a grocery bag full of clothes, a stick of deodorant and a bread machine. Ughhhh.

So I took him in and encouraged him to work it out with his wife...he showed up on a Tuesday and she had a date on a Friday and didn't want him back(red flag #2)...so we lived together, we moved together, lived monogamously together at his request and ended up married 2 years later....I had issues with the entire situation and I should have followed my gut and weaseled out...but I did it anyway. Less than 2 hours after we were married he brings up swinging and my first thought was I could have stayed single and done that and I was pissed off. Spend all that time isolating me, demanding monogamy, convincing me that happily ever after meant marriage and following 'the rules'...only to change 'the rules' almost immediately after the pastor ran off with signed marriage license. I got home and immediately started researching divorce because the entire honeymoon was spent listening to him obsess over swing clubs which I had no interest in going to especially with him at that point. Of course a week later realized I was pregnant.......

.....2 kids and 4 years of listening to him obsess over swing clubs ..I finally countered with 'open marriage' because his thing with swing clubs sounded a lot like him offering me up and watching without a lot of input from me....which is 180 degrees away from how those places work...but he had some weird idea that he was going to pimp me out for free. So he pouted over 'open marriage' for 2 years because we would do our own things separately and he'd have no control.

With his encouragement I was the first to exercise my options and he freaked out...he took the starter out of my car, spied on my emails and phone messages, threatened to take the kids and tell everyone I was a whore..this was after one date...so we stopped. Until a year later when he met someone...that one did not work out..but he met someone else during that time and they have been together for almost 4 years. I have had 2 dates during this time and he told the kids I was going to runaway and leave them all...All kinds of BS and tears about about me being stolen away from him by someone better...threatening to kill himself(this happens everytime I try to make a stand)

So in 6 years I have had 3 dates.....and sex with one person outside of the marriage. He has a long term relationship and he is over there more than he is here...although he still makes an appearance if the kids are with my mom and I might have a few hours to myself...only to run back over there at midnight.

I have lost my light and my sense of humor, my independence it's an abusive, controlling relationship and I just want out now before I lose anymore time. I asked for a divorce and he freaked out, told me that he was going to end it with her(not what I want) and focus on family...which lasted 3 days....since then he is there everyday ...he popped in Friday night (cause I was alone..not because he missed the kids), and he left that night...no contact made until this afternoon...telling me he was stuck and 5 other excuses and he finally showed up at 9pm. right now he is in his office IMing back and forth with her....why doesn't he realize he'd rather be there than here....why hold on to something/someone who is broken who quite openly hates your guts?

He is going to force me to pick up and leave with the kids...he is going to try to make the kids mental in an attempt to control me and I am going to have to use a domestic abuse shelter/services to protect myself. But I am so scared that he is going to use our lifestyle against me and somehow get the kids in order to hurt me. And I know my situation is is more abuse than polyamory...but if there is anyone out there that has been through this I would appreciate any and all advice before I take any big steps toward regaining my freedom and sanity.

Thank you in advance,

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domestic abuse, safety

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