Inside The Mind of this Mono
I often get asked why I can have total compersion for the love and sex Redpepper and her husband have. I am almost always asked why that same compersion seems impossible to apply towards another man in her life.
Today I will do my best to put into words what physical intimacy actually is to me, why I have a double standard towards women and men in her life, why the mere thought of a man other than her husband touching her makes me want to turn away, and why I don’t see this changing. I have tried to explain these things before with terribly misrepresented thoughts usually fuelled by fear, anger and frustration. It is easy for me to say I will reshape my love for Redpepper in order to maintain the best friendship I have ever had. It is another to explain why, but fuck it….here we go.
I believe sex is different for everyone. What constitutes it varies, what it means varies and how it is shared varies. It took me 37 + years to figure this out for myself. 37 years of having an unhealthy relationship with sex as it related to connection to me. I regularly sought sex to create, deepen and maintain connection. Because I was so hungry to connect I put a lot of energy into trying to achieve sex….waaay too much energy.
I found that because my partner did not have the same “sex = connection” inner mechanism, this lead to annoyance on both our parts, even less connection and therefore even less sex. Inevitably I ended up without connection to anyone, including myself.
Fast forward -----broken marriage, broken family, broken man, counselling, being alone, discovery, self-awareness, and connection to myself……. Hold it!!! Connection without sex? Bing - fuckin- go!!
Now let’s look at my relationship with Redpepper through which my understanding grew by leaps and bounds through tremendous pain work and struggle.
Yes, I entered a poly relationship involving more people than are currently present. And yes, at first I understood and was able to handle the idea that this was an open relationship where partners could come and go regardless of gender. I knew that I was essentially sharing her love, time, and in fact her body with other men and women. I was unsure of what I personally wanted out of the relationship or where it was headed. This is the big factor in the early part of our relationship. I did not think it really possible to build something that would actually be family, be forever, be bigger than our own stolen moments. Like a goldfish my love grew rapidly to an appropriate size for its environment. My love would not grow beyond the environment’s ability to provide nourishment. This is a survival technique ingrained in nature.
The bowl broke! Our love bloomed with a radiance that still makes me squint. I wanted to be hers and wanted her to be mine forever. I wanted to share in her family, love and nurture what she and her husband had, help with her son. I wanted to love her eternally and felt her wanting that of me.
And, like many people, that depth of love required more nourishment, more communication, more understanding and more time.
Nourishment of my love does indeed have a cost, just like food in a restaurant, it has a price and I am sorry for that but it is in my nature, as ingrained and real as my need to drink…..Enter sex.
Having found connection with myself and knowing what it meant to connect to Redpepper, to just share energy without physical intimacy, sex would come to have a new role in my life. It became a form of communication, the highest gift given to me in reward for the depth of love I offer. For every note, for every pet of her hair, for every night I babysit so her and her husband could go out on dates and themselves become closer, for every time I help around her house, my reward is being allowed to communicate with her on this highest of levels. Sex has become a pinnacle to me, the ultimate gift of expression from my lover to me. It is more sacred than it has ever been and has made me more intimately monogamous than ever in my life. If I understood what sex was for me a long time ago, I would probably still be married and have a healthy family but I would not have my Redpepper or the amazing new family I am part of. And so everything is as it should be.
Why compersion for the sex she has with her husband? He is her husband, devoted to her, committed for the long haul, willing to share the mundane chores and struggles of life with her. He is the father of her child; he loves her and would lay down his own life to protect her. He listens to her vent about her day at work, is her rock when she faces strife, helps her raise her child in a most loving of ways. That is why I have compersion! In my eyes there is no person more deserving of sharing in her intimacy and communicating with her on that level…no one….but in my eyes I am a damn close second.
Do I feel even more worthy of her intimacy since coming out? Absolutely, I love her enough to accept the disapproval of friends and family. I accept that there is resentment and accusations of my intentions towards her husband and son because I love her enough. I am the face of the “other man” that will only diminish when and if another love becomes known for either her or him. I accept that and push it aside because I love her enough.
Yes, there is an aspect of my compersion that is directly related to the belief that he “allows” me to share his wife physically and, regardless of others opinions, I am thankful for that. Yes there is a physically disturbing reaction to the mental image of Redpepper breathing and moaning in the arms of any another man. I have seen them together and felt nothing of this response yet I merely visualize her with a new lover or even with our mutual friend, her tertiary, and it makes my cringe. I simply don’t go there and get strength in knowing they both share him and he cares for them as a couple as well as individuals. I could take this farther and admit, “He was there first”.
The idea of another man entering her life and receiving the same reward I do diminishes the value that I place in that. Not the value she places in that, but the value that I do. This is my thing, not hers. How she views sex, how she chooses to share it, and with whom she chooses to share it is up to her ultimately. I only know that I am not able or prepared to have that reward diminished in my eyes. I would rather be let go to reshape and re-examine how I will be able to communicate my love for her in a way that will not leave me constantly conflicted and in pain, resentful and confused. “Why would she share that with him, when I work so hard to achieve this wonderful gift?”
Why is it easier for me to embrace her having a woman in her life? My own perception of energy and the sheer physical differences. I view female energy as different and beyond what any amount of men can provide. Physically she cannot achieve the same intimacy with a man as well. Energy is the key. Instead of feeling that my reward is diminished I feel that her life is enriched by something she simply cannot get from a man or masculine energy. Take it or leave it. That’s how I am.
This is what goes through my head. This is my burden and the conflict that my monogamous nature injects into an otherwise beautiful relationship. This is why I feel she would be better off with another poly man from our growing community…this is why I feel my requirements to stay are unfair to her own nature.
Would I change this? No..I love how I view sex now and the role it plays in my connection to the woman I love. I would rather be without it than lose it’s meaning to me. That ruined my life before and I won’t let it happen again.
Now you have it…how things work in my mind..not hers, not anyone else’s, just mine.
Peace and love
Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes
Poly Events All Over
Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 10-24-2009 at 04:19 AM.
|mono, mono/poly, monogamous, monogamy|