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  #1  
Old 08-15-2011, 01:45 AM
Polynessa Polynessa is offline
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Question new and confused

Hi!

I am a bisexual woman who met a married man last year. We really tried being friends since he didn't want to split up with his wife and they were in a closed relashionship. We fell in love but still stayed physicaly away from each other.
With time we have formed a relationship with great trust and we love each other. We are both open to polyamoros relationships but none of us have have tried it before. If we were to have a relationship it would be a triad. I agreed to meet his wife and see how it felt, and after a couple of meetings the three of us had sex. This has now happened several times and I like having sex with her and I like her as a person. I have no idea if I can fall in love with her but I do think we could be good friends and have good sex..

They have discussed a triad but she does not yet know if she want it or not. I would like to try it but I am unsure about it. Can you be in a triad if one relationship is more friendly? How can I find room for myself in a established relationship with a house, children and set ways of hanging out/doing things/organizing lives?

I feel like I can't loose anything by trying this but sometimes I find it really hard to be that third person.... Thought I think I could like being three and I do not feel jealous of their relationship...

Any thoughts, please?
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Old 08-15-2011, 02:25 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polynessa View Post
Hi!

I am a bisexual woman who met a married man last year. We really tried being friends since he didn't want to split up with his wife and they were in a closed relashionship. We fell in love but still stayed physicaly away from each other.
With time we have formed a relationship with great trust and we love each other. We are both open to polyamoros relationships but none of us have have tried it before. If we were to have a relationship it would be a triad. I agreed to meet his wife and see how it felt, and after a couple of meetings the three of us had sex. This has now happened several times and I like having sex with her and I like her as a person. I have no idea if I can fall in love with her but I do think we could be good friends and have good sex..

They have discussed a triad but she does not yet know if she want it or not. I would like to try it but I am unsure about it. Can you be in a triad if one relationship is more friendly? How can I find room for myself in a established relationship with a house, children and set ways of hanging out/doing things/organizing lives?

I feel like I can't loose anything by trying this but sometimes I find it really hard to be that third person.... Thought I think I could like being three and I do not feel jealous of their relationship...

Any thoughts, please?
I am not very experienced, but I am in a similar rabbit hole as you are. I'm just farther down it! I will say that for me, that feeling of being a third wheel has gotten harder, not easier as time goes by. At first, it was easy for me to be patient with my gfs reservations about giving me an equal place in the relationship (context note: I am in love and with an established couple, but I cannot be intimate with the male, Tom, unless Sarah is there). Now seven months later, I am deeply committed to these two individuals emotionally, yet I am not equal in the relationship, which frustrates me more as time goes on. Just warning you, if it is hard now, it might not get easier.

None-the-less, you are already in love, and if you are anything like me, you will give love a fair shot. It sounds like this woman is open to the possibility of this working out, so it might be worth it to try...
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:23 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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What you are seeking would not be a triad. It would be a vee. A triad is one of love and partnership between three people evenly. A vee is quite often a relationship of friendship (metamours) between two arms of the vee and the person that is partners with both is the hinge. If you don't love this woman then don't force it... just let it be and enjoy. I live with two male partners that are close friends and we have had threesomes together, but they are not in love and do not consider themselves partners.... partners in crime when they bug me however but not lovers. There is not reason that they HAVE to be... it just happened like that.
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Old 08-15-2011, 06:41 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I am curious why you think it must be a triad? Is it the husband who wants a triad mainly? Are you sure you want a triad? Could you want a V as redpepper suggests, where you date him but you're also FWB with the wife?
If so, you might want to think about things like lets say they DO find somebody in a year or two they both love and want to be in a triad with. Will you be kicked aside? Want to be in a relationship with them even if somebody else is involved? Do you want to date other people at all? Will they? From what people write about triads, they give a sense of security, but plenty of them end up wanting to change the dynamic at some point, so just make sure you think about what you want, and talk to them about their desires a LOT before rushing yourself into anything serious! If you can just enjoy the interactions you are having and take a lot of deep breaths, there isn't a need to do much more than communicate and enjoy right how probably.
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Old 08-15-2011, 09:17 AM
Polynessa Polynessa is offline
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Thank you for your answers!
The reason for thinking it will be a triad is that I think this is what is most acceptable to everyone at the moment. I do not think they will find somebody else to be in a triad with since they weren't looking for someone new - they're just trying to figure out how they want to continue the relationship that has already started with me. I feel that the risk is far greater that they decide that they don't want poly at all..
I don't mind if they relationship reform in the future to include more people... But I think a triad is what they are most ready for at the moment.
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:14 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You might try a search for "triad" "triads" in the tags. There ar quite a few threads that might help you determined a course of action for you. Again, if you are not in love with this woman I'm not sure why the instance of a triad. It seems common for couples to take on thee most difficult poly structure. I'm not sure why, but perhaps some light will be shed on why its difficult if you read a bit.
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:17 AM
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You might try a search for "triad" "triads" in the tags. There ar quite a few threads that might help you determined a course of action for you. Again, if you are not in love with this woman I'm not sure why the instance of a triad. It seems common for couples to take on thee most difficult poly structure. I'm not sure why, but perhaps some light will be shed on why its difficult if you read a bit.

Actually, come to think of it, I do have an idea of why... I think couples think that love is always the same between people. That its balanced and even. Actually it isn't. Its different for everyone involved. Your love for him will be different than for her and his love for you will be different than with her.
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