Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-24-2009, 01:24 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Default I don't know how to make it right

This probably more of a vent of frustration, then a need for advice. If you have advice, that would be welcome too.

I'm not really sure how to begin, or even where to begin. My partners are both on the site. For those who don't know. We are a V. Tommy is our hinge. Sea and I are best friends, and have been for over 3 years. Our relationship started out as a casual thing, and turned into so much more. It took me well over 2 years to be wholely committed to our relationship. Part of me couldn't get past the whole "they are married". Once I was able to get over that, I jumped in with both feet.

We used to be so happy together. We spent our weekends doing chores, renovating, laughing, drinking, talking, arguing. Now we spend most of our weekends in tears. Not usually Tommy, but Sea and I. We are both so emotionally connected. Not only to Tommy but each other. This the first weekend in a long time we haven't spent together. It's tearing me apart. I don't consider myself a selfish person. I try to always put their needs, the primary relationship, before myself. I'm not always able to accomplish that. Lord knows I'm not perfect.

As much as I am able, I try to give 100% to our relationship, but it's never enough. This week it's something, and we figure it out amounst the tears, then next week, it's something else. I know that no relationship is easy. Whether mono or poly, but dammit, it would be nice to have a weekend when it was just fun and laughter.

I feel like the line we have for our boundaries is drawn in sand. The tide comes in, and the line moves. Then we draw another line, and the tide comes in again. It's feeling more like quicksand then just plain ordinary beach sand.

I've definitely made my fair share of mistakes. I'm opinionated, and argumentive. I say it like it is, not always using tact. I have on occasion hurt Sea with my bluntness. She feels like I'm attacking her. I'm not. I'm just saying it the best way I know how. I want everyone in my life to be as honest with me as I am with them. Having said that, Sea has done her fair share of hurting me. She is not as blunt, but trust me when I tell you she has her way of getting it across. The hurt has been mutal. Not purposely done, but then it doesn't have to be. Hurt is hurt, no matter where it's coming from. So now we both wait, for one of us do or say something, that will bring the hurt back to forefront, and in doing this we are hurting Tommy in more ways then I can possibly say. He's stuck in the middle of these two women that he loves so much, and he gives up so much to try to make it better for us.

He left today telling me that to him it feels like I'd rather be alone here, then to spend the night with him. Our time is so limited. Usually weekends, if he's not working, and 4 hours a week if he is. It's not that at all. I tried to make him understand, but he left so hurt. It seems like no matter how I tried to say the right thing, I kept saying the wrong thing.

I feel like my life is spent waiting. Waiting for the weekend to be with them. Waiting for that 2 minute conversation when he calls me from work, just to say hi, and when he doesn't call, I'm disappointed, and maybe a little envious, because I know he didn't forget to call Sea. Waiting for that 2 hours twice a week we spend alone, but if something comes up, and it doesn't work out, again I'm disappointed. Waiting for Sea to come online at night, so we can talk about everything and nothing. But if she doesn't come on, then I know they are having date night. Which I know they need to stay connected, but I don't get date night. (Not either of their fault), just not able to happen. So I'm alone. Waiting... waiting... waiting.... I sound bitter, and selfish, and I hate that about myself.

I didn't go over this weekend, because this routine, is all about waiting, and I thought if I just stayed home, then it wouldn't be about waiting. It all just sounds stupid now. I knew what I was thinking and why I was thinking it when I was thinking it. Now I just feel like an idiot. Being selfish, didn't put me first, it put Tommy last. I'm just not good at the selfish thing.

Just a rant. Don't feel like you have to reply. I'm not sure I would. LOL.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-24-2009, 07:26 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post
I feel like the line we have for our boundaries is drawn in sand. The tide comes in, and the line moves. Then we draw another line, and the tide comes in again.
I like that.... that's why I quoted it.

*hugs* to you. I don't have anything to say but wanted you to know I did read your rant and feel the need to hug you.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-24-2009, 03:10 PM
ourquad's Avatar
ourquad ourquad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: florida
Posts: 83
Default

Let me ask...you've known and been friends with them a total of 3 years? And it has taken you well over 2 of those years to become committed to the poly relationship?

So, if the answer to those questions are yes (that's the way I interpreted your post but asked to make sure) then, things are going to be different than the fun times you had together for over two years. You have changed your thinking. What used to not have bothered you because you weren't committed now may be a concern for you.

Ok, as an example but fully knowing I don't know much...say before you committed to the relationship you knew they had dates, this didn't bother you because they are married and that's what they should do. You didn't really want, or admit to wanting, the same for yourself. Didn't think you deserved it or that you should want it. Now, you are committed to them and you love them and he is your boyfriend. Just as a relationship with one's wife demands certain things, or wants certain things, a relationship with one's girlfriend does the same.

You and Sea are adjusting to the fact that you both have certain rights. Some of the same rights. While it may have been said during the 2 years plus that you didn't commit that this was wanted, the reality of things is different than what one imagines about such a relationship. (Well, the reality of almost everything in life is different than what we imagined it to be.)

January will make three years since both couples of our quad met each other. Someone at our poly meet and greet last night said that we were obviously making poly work. That gave me pause and something to think about. Well, shit, we are making it work. We may have finally figured out what makes it work for us. Gotten some of the big kinks out but it will always be a work in progress. How long did it take us to get to this point? Over 2 years. Did I/we all have feelings like you have described in this post? Absolutely! Which is why I can empathize with you so much.

I suppose you have to do something along the lines of decide...yes, I am going to do everything within my power to make this work. I need to get that confirmation from my partners as well. Communication is paramount. However, the truth of the matter is that everyone doesn't communicate the same way. Figure out the best form of communication for all of you. Then do your best to make sure you try to communicate the way each of you needs. That way you will better understand each other. For example...Sea may not respond well to bluntness...in what different way could you say the same thing that it doesn't make her defensive?

Ok, I'm finished. I don't have answers usually. Just more questions for someone.

I wish you all the best of luck and I do empathize with you all. I've been in all three of your shoes at one point during this relationship.

Vol
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-24-2009, 05:08 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post
I feel like my life is spent waiting. Waiting for the weekend to be with them. Waiting for that 2 minute conversation when he calls me from work, just to say hi, and when he doesn't call, I'm disappointed, and maybe a little envious, because I know he didn't forget to call Sea. Waiting for that 2 hours twice a week we spend alone, but if something comes up, and it doesn't work out, again I'm disappointed. Waiting for Sea to come online at night, so we can talk about everything and nothing. But if she doesn't come on, then I know they are having date night. Which I know they need to stay connected, but I don't get date night. (Not either of their fault), just not able to happen. So I'm alone. Waiting... waiting... waiting.... I sound bitter, and selfish, and I hate that about myself.

Sounds like what you're getting is not enough to meet your needs right now. There's nothing wrong with expressing that to the people you love. One thing that's helpful when I'm having a difficult conversation is that I'll always assume the person I'm talking to does care for me and is doing the best they can in the current circumstances. I'll approach it from the viewpoint that we are working together and do mutually care for each other.

There's a difference between being respectful of your partner's primary relationship and just shunting aside your needs for theirs. One is sustainable, the other isn't. It sounds like you've been making a habit of setting aside your own needs, and that can build frustration and resentment even when you're trying to convince yourself that you're just doing it out of love for them.

It sounds like it's time for you to be honest with yourself and with them about your needs in this relationship. The difficult conversations can be a lot easier when everyone operates from the assumption that everyone cares for each other and is doing the best they can. Then, in a context of love and mutual respect, you can find space for your needs in the relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-24-2009, 08:54 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,819
Default

So many great responses and all different. I look forward to you elaborating.
But the thing that popped into my head was-

If you keep drawing lines in the sand and they keep washing away, maybe you are drawing the wrong lines or maybe there shouldn't be lines where you are drawing, but GUIDElines?
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-25-2009, 01:43 AM
sea sea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 41
Default Trying to make it right!

Like Sweetie, I too am so tired of drawing lines in the sand! We drew lines, established boundaries and "guidelines" because we thought we were doing the right things. Sweetie never asked to be here, I asked her! Tommy and I had tried the swinging lifestyle and found it hollow. Every swinger I met said the same thing, they were looking for that 'perfect' scenario, the couple they could connect with in every aspect. No one found it!

Sweetie and I have been freinds for some 15 years, she was there for me in some of the toughest times in my life. The more she was there for me, the more I loved her. I thought...and said to Tommy, " I just love her, can I take her home?" To be clear neither I or Sweetie are in any way shape or form Bi, I just loved and love her so much I wanted her to be more and more in my life!

Many many discussions brought us to the next phase, the well what if....the fantasizing of what could be... None of us were looking for the evolving that took place, it just was. The first couple of years of our new found relationship, I wanted Sweetie to just dive in and we would all live 'happily ever after' I was the one living in denial of what was going on im my life! Sweetie was always honest and committed to our new found relationship. When she jumped off the fence, I wasted no time jumping on it. I allowed my insecurities and doubts to take hold on everything I thought. (Dumb ass!) I didnt know what made me or why I felt the way I did, thats been a very recent dawning on my part. The only thing Sweetie and Tommy are guilty of is loving me, I didnt choose to see it that way! Plain and simple, I was afraid! I was also wrong!!!

There are no assumptions of love, we all KNOW we love one another with everything we are. If we didnt why do we fight so hard to keep it, and we want to keep it. We have done many things wrong, and forget sometimes, to focus on what's right. We have forgotton to see the silver lining, and focused on the cloud!

Bottom line for me is, I have my two very best freinds in the world as my partners. I love them both equally, and I know they love me! No we haven't done things 'right' in the past, all we can do is leave yesterday behind, and live for today and make tomorrow even better!

Sweetie and Tommy.....I LOVE YOU!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-25-2009, 02:57 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Default

I don't think I was clear in our relationship, and I'm sorry for that. We've known each other for 15 years, but have only been active in our relationship for 3. I wasn't totally committed for the first 2 years, not because I didn't want to be, but because I didn't know what to expect, or even what I could accept. I have never been outside of our relationship in the 3 years we have been together. I wanted it, I just didn't know how the dynamics would work for it. That's why I was reserved.

This has been a long and twisted road. Neither of them knew I posted last night. When I came over today, I came clean. I brought up the post I had written, and had them both read it. Granted, I wrote it because I was hurt, and alone. Yes, I was alone because that was my choice. But, that didn't make me less alone.

Sea said to me today, that she was hoping that I was missing them last night. Not to be vindictive, but because she was missing me, and didn't feel like she could tell me.

I've tied Sea's hands. Previously, when I've wanted to be in my own place, I've been made to feel guilty for wanting that time alone. So that was an unconditional boundary for me. Miss me, but you can't make me feel guilty, and use it against me. Now she feels like she can't even say she's misses me.

This week (end) has been an an eye opener for all of us. Sea and Tommy have been struggling with their own issues, and I've been giving them time to work those issues out. If the primarary relationship doesn't work, then I don't stand a chance. We will be three people alone. I can't have a relationship with Tommy, if their relationship doesn't work. I would never hurt Sea by even thinking that was a possibility. Neither would Tommy.

I'm hoping things will be better now. Today is the first day, in a long time, that I've seen Tommy take a deep breath. That I've seen Sea smile. When Tommy asked us, individually, if we were happy, both of us said no. We didn't ask him. He's not happy either. The one thing that will make him happy is for the two women he loves, to be happy. Be happy with him, with themselves, and each other. We can give that to him, because now we know. We know what's been causing the conflicts. We know why the conflicts have been the focal point of our lives. If you know, you can do better, and we both intend to do better.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-25-2009, 03:10 AM
aussielover's Avatar
aussielover aussielover is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Home Sweet Home :D
Posts: 262
Default

I'm glad some things have started to be worked out. *hugs* It's a good first step in the right direction on this issue.
I'm so glad to hear you guys were able to talk and feel a bit better.
__________________
"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Home
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:56 AM.