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Old 08-14-2011, 03:37 PM
JaneDoe41's Avatar
JaneDoe41 JaneDoe41 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 17
Default Strictly secondary...

I'm still relatively new here, and I've searched the forum for threads dealing with the perspectives of secondary partners. Most of the relationships I'm seeing described seem to be very close to equal. I've yet to find much information, so I'm posting my own and I'd love input.

I introduced myself and my own unique situation in the "intros" section under "New to the Forum", but for a quick recap, I'm a female eleven months into a V relationship with Randy and Vivian. My role is strictly secondary. They've been together 10 years and poly works for them. I'm not the first "second", but our situation is working well so far and Randy and I would like to keep it ongoing. Vivian supports the relationship, but as with all of Randy's past partners, retains veto power over me. This prospect is a little scary.

I've asked him what issues have caused his other secondary relationships to fail, and the one major cause is when the secondary partner has wanted to move into a more primary role. There have been other issues, but that's a common thread among them.

Because I am a single parent and my child takes top priority in my life (my little "primary"), I don't feel that I have time, energy, or inclination to invest in a full-time romantic relationship. Being Randy's "second" works for me. I never feel "secondary" when Randy and I are together one-on-one. Plus I really feel that I get all of the benefit without the hassles of everyday living. I don't have to pick his dirty socks up off of the floor! I do, however, consciously defer when Randy, Viv, and I have our once-monthly "date nights", limiting my initiation of PDA's and allowing them as a couple to lead the moments, but it's fun to see them together and the way they interact. I don't mind holding back, and I still get plenty of attention from my lover.

So this briefly introduces the topic I'd like to get input on - how do other "Secondaries" feel about their place in their relationships?
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