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Old 08-11-2011, 09:54 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Lastly, for mono/poly to work it might just seem that the two of you will always live in some degree of discomfort. You will both have to decide if that is going to be okay or if its just too much to ask for.
I have no idea if this is even relevant, but this statement made me think of a Mother-In-Law. When we marry someone, we just have to accept that the Mother-In-Law is part of the package. We may even like said MIL, but at the same time, wish she would just go away. We put up with the discomfort of the MIL invading our homes for 2 weeks at a time, calling at strange hours and graciously accepting her weird e-mail forwards, because we love our spouse.
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Old 08-12-2011, 12:52 PM
affablegreen affablegreen is offline
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Thanks to all for the reminders about acceptance of mono feelings. Accepting people for who they are is a two way street, and it is easy to forget.
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:30 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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I would hope that Nezumi's sense of defensiveness dissipates over time. It's not uncommon when someone feels like they are losing something that they had a tendency to become defensive. What Nezumi might not yet process is that he's not losing Sofia. My mono and I have been together for 4 and a half years, married for a year and a half, bought house about nine months ago (big enough for others), and had a son six months ago. There's no reason to believe that a mono/poly pair can't work and be fulfilling. Sure, there are lots of mono/poly relationships that don't work, but there are lots of mono/mono or poly/poly relationships that don't work. It's not the labels that matter but the people.

RP and Mono's story likely has more pointers than my story with K. I had the benefit of having disastrous mono/mono and mono/poly relationships before K and the chance to watch some really poor poly choices from others before meeting K. Those experiences plus our personalities meant we have had a pretty easy time of it. In some ways I feel slightly odd in these forums because I didn't come here looking for answers or coping with a problem. I would bet that mono/polys have a higher success rate than we see here simply because the successful ones may never wind up here as they quietly do their thing on their own.

For Sofia:
I'm glad both you and Nezumi don't seem to be trying to change each other. Accepting and loving your partner as he or she is is a key to any successful relationship.

You also need to accept you as you are. Having read your intro, you may not be average, but you're not abnormal. Learning that my polyamory was not just a personal quirk but something that many others felt and recognized helped. Coming to terms with myself as a poly person did take time and had rough spots though. For me, I have been much happier after I fully embraced my poly nature and began to self-identify as poly. It sounds like you're only just now making that transition. You're not changing how you are, just learning the right terms for how you are and what other things come with those terms.

One of the things that comes with being poly is an obligation to communicate. I'm super thrilled that both you and Nezumi are here. This way you each can see what is said and each learn in your own ways. Sometimes that communication is easy. Sometimes it's not. But deception or lack of information are more hurtful in the long run.

Where I see Nezumi struggling is that it seems the whole mono/poly question is new to him. Yes, you've talked about your past with him, but that's different than when the question is right there in front of you. You, Sofia, have had your past experiences to learn from, so you're ahead of Nezumi on the learning curve.

Ultimately, I believe success in relationships (all relationships) is based on individual and coupled personality, communication, and effort. You two seem to be putting in effort and working on communication. The last variables then are your individual and coupled personalities. Not trying to change (or "fix") each other is a good sign. Being here is a good sign. Your seemingly agreeable level of time spent together is a good sign.

What isn't clear is Nezumi's comfort level with polyamory. It seems obvious he's somewhat poly-friendly, or he wouldn't be here. I would even wonder if he's ever considered whether he has the capacity to be polyamorous himself. The important question--maybe the only question left--for right now is whether he is willing to try being part of a poly vee.

Note that I say "willing" and "try." Until Nezumi has been there and done that, he can't realistically say that he will be a part of a vee. He may try it and find he hates it, or he may try it and find it's not really his thing but is ok because it's a part of how you are, or he may try it and find he really can appreciate you more seeing how loving you can be. He doesn't need to commit to anything more right now that the willingness to give it a shot.

If he can do that, then you'll both have way more data on which to make decisions in the future.

In the meantime, Sofia, don't let NRE blind you. Based on your writing, I believe you'll do well with remembering that Nezumi is where your home is. While your heart may have massive capacity for love, the calendar remains finite. Managing your time with Nezumi and S is very important. You have images of walking arm-in-arm in the future, but you need to deal with now. How you manage your time can reassure Nezumi or cause him worry. Consider your desires and feelings as well as his while scheduling things, and don't forget to let him know when and why he's important.

Best of luck.
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:35 PM
Nezumi Nezumi is offline
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Hey folks,
so, sorry in advance for any typos this message will contain; I'm at work and typing on my iPod.
Thank you all so much for your replies. It really is interesting and enlightening to get the poly views on this matter.
Oh, and I apologize for not citing text, going back and forth between pages is painful on this thing :-/

@redpepper thanks for all the resources you sent me. I've read through your blog a bit, and it's quite interesting. I feel it helps me better understand the mind of a poly (or at least the generalities; people are unique, regardless of amorous orientations).

I'm sorry, I forget the name of the user who posted this, but I found the comparison the other lovers and a MIL to be interesting. I mostly agree on this stance: relationships require sacrifice. On the other hand, your partner (presumably) won't have romantic feelings for their mother which is where I think the analogy ends lol.

I've given this matter a great deal of thought. As most polies on the forum will say, I intellectually understand the poly viewpoint, and it makes a lot of sense. In fact, I've told sofia a couple times that, were I not wired to have this hurt like hell, the poly way seems like it'd be a rewarding and fun experience. But alas this is not the case.

I'm trying to keep an open mind, and I know that Sofias feelings toward S don't necessarily impact her feelings toward me, but for some reason, it doesn't matter; that's not the issue. I know we love eachother very much. I've come to the conclusion that this is a "wiring" issue and not a programming one, which I must say, makes me a little sad.

Any way, I'll stop this rant. Thanks again for all of the replies.

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Old 08-13-2011, 12:00 AM
Nezumi Nezumi is offline
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thanks so much for that last post. I didn't get a chance to read it until just now. I think you hit the nail on the head in many areas.
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