Multi-partner co-habitation

[Magdlyn]

Yeah... we had so many issues, the housework and meals issues were just symptoms. As long as he signs our divorce agreement tomorrow in court, that's all the signature I need!

[BlackUnicorn]

Huh, a double post?!?

Anyway Mags, good luck with tomorrow!

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by River

I'd be very, very worried about myself and my partner/s if we had to draw up a "household contract" and have it signed. This does not seem like an adult--adult, but more like an adult--child, sort of relationship. Daddy, Mommy have a troubled child who keeps "forgetting" to mow the lawn each Saturday, so Daddy draws up a contract for kiddie to sign....

Hehee, don't have kids nor a lawn to mow, but we did it upon moving in, not because there were problems already but to prevent such from arising. The discussion around the drawing up of the contract was much more riveting and helpful than the contract itself, I dare venture.

Most of my friends who end up with roomies make very round-about agreements, like "whoever is bothered by the mess first cleans up" or "everyone buys their own food". But someone is always going to be cleaning up the common area where everyone lives, and it's wildly inpractical to buy separate sugars, flours etc. I'm not saying they don't work for anyone, but they wouldn't work for me.

So we divided household chores, first everyone got to do what they most liked to do and those chores neither had a particular problem with were distributed evenly; made a plan of how to balance household expenses at the end of each month so that we could divide food expenses (we shared a fridge, and since Flattie agreed to cook anyway, there was no need for each to buy their own); and agreed on how to ensure privacy even with a shared living space, i.e. do visitors have to be announced beforehand (no if they are just going to hang out, yes if they are going to stay over the night) etc.

It was a discussion starter, and also because we wrote it down, each could see in writing what was agreed instead of just assuming consensus was achieved. It spared us many minor irritations as long as it was applicable (Flattie got pretty ill pretty quickly, which of course made the previous contract defunct).

I'm happy to hear you are so much older and more experienced with your live-in partner so you don't have to come up with any written agreements .

[Rarechild]

After 32 years, and having co-habitated with...oh god...too many people, I am still working on cohabitation of any sort. Right now the fellas and I are working on more of a muti-habitation thing...everybody has their own place both so we can get a sense of how we want to live and be responsible for that personally, and for me, so I can invite or be invited into space instead of being there by default.

I realized a bit ago that I have always had a problem living with people, and the best way I can explain it is that I would like the freedom to lock the door, shut off my phone, and be left to my own devices sometimes, without interruption. I have had this briefly at times in my life and now I have it again. Another thing I find is that if someone else offers to take care of things, (dishes, laundry, cooking) I will not argue, and I become rather irresponsible. When I am living in my own space there is no argument about who does the dishes or buys dog food. Also, anything I do for my loves in their space is a gift, not a chore. I aspire to become as conscientious about what I do for myself in my own space as I am when I am doing it as a gift for someone else. Another thing that this does for all of us is ensure that we all learn how to be financially responsible independently.

However; at the same time as CF, C and I are trying out 3 separate households, we are also saving $ for land together. I dream of a day when we save enough to buy land, and help each other build small, private spaces that are in close proximity but separate. Between today and that day, I'm not sure what the arrangement will turn out to be, but I feel really good about the seeds we have planted.

In the present, in this time of change, I feel good about being both at home, and being treated as an honored guest when I visit my loves, and being able to return that to them. Also, my dog is really enjoying all the traveling.

So yeah, don't have this one all the way figured out yet, but I am glad that we are all open to do the healthiest thing for all of us, and be welcoming of change and flexibility when it comes to spending time together, and being supported in having our own space to breathe in when we need it.

-R

Another thought related: Last night, for the first time ever, I think, when Catfish and I were having a hard time communicating, and I lost my temper, I was free to ask him to leave my space so I could collect myself. It felt really good to not have to sit in the bad air that was between us, let the anger subside, and call him when I was ready to have a conversation vs. a shouting match, or sitting there looking to each other to solve the attitude/communication difficulties that we needed to solve for ourselves before we continued talking. When we got on the phone a while later, we had a great talk and had fresh, calm perspective to offer one another. I also used the opportunity of being all riled up to get some housework done, and spend my energy that way.

[Magdlyn]

I am reading this and thinking multi partner cohabitation is not that much different than having platonic roommates, as far as household chores go.

When I was in college I had 2 roommates the first year. We lived in a dorm with a kitchenette, didnt have a meal plan through the school. Luckily we all liked to cook. We shopped for groceries once a week together, and split the bill, agreeing beforehand on what we all felt was reasonable to spend.

Oddly the only thing one of the roomies and I had a conflict with was how much cleanser I used when scrubbing the bathroom sink! lol

We took turns cooking dinner, one day each, M-F. (Weekends we'd all kind of go our own way.) The one responsible for cooking would also do the dishes for the day. We were responsible for getting our own breakfasts, lunches and snacks. Breakfast came from our shared food, lunch either from shared food or bought with our own money as takeout. Snacks, ditto.

I don't recall there being an issue with taking out the trash or cleaning the shared living spaces. We all had similar standards of cleanliness. Lucky, I guess.

We each did our own petcare and bought our own pet supplies.

In the second year, my bf (stbxh) moved in as well. He then contributed 1/4 of the $ for food. We then started having separate dinners sometimes from the roommates, but several times a week would all eat together, more depending on people's schedules and how sociable we were feeling.

[NeonKaos]

I've had roommates who did more than their share of housework/cleaning and i've had those who think their rent is more than enough and be grateful if they throw their own trash in the wastebasket, don't even think about taking it outside. Buy toilet paper? Consider yourself lucky if they don't pee in the sink.

In every single one of these cases, a contract wasn't necessary for the people who did their part and wouldn't have made a difference to the people who didn't. It's a lot like making "rules" for relationships. If you choose roommates/partners carefully, you are less likely to end up with an inconsiderate slob, unless that is what you prefer.

[River]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

If you choose roommates/partners carefully, you are less likely to end up with an inconsiderate slob, unless that is what you prefer.

Yup! Remember people, how others treat you is how you choose to treat yourself -- if you stay around with them. If you want to treat yourself badly, have at it, and good luck!

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by River

Yup! Remember people, how others treat you is how you choose to treat yourself -- if you stay around with them. If you want to treat yourself badly, have at it, and good luck!

Having said that, sometimes you dont find out until it's too late. But usually you can get a good idea what someone is like by looking at their current living space. If it is neat and well-kept and they live alone, they are probably neat people. If it is neat and they live with someone else, it could be the other persons cleaning up all the time. If the place is messy, they probably won't be very good at cleaning whether they live alone or with others.

I once had a roommate who was not only late with the rent and smelled bad, but who ate other people's food and got mad at us when we put it in a paper bag (standard food-privacy procedure when sharing a refrigerated storage space) and wrote "not yours" on it.

[nycindie]

I certainly have had my share of roommates-from-hell. My apartment is a small 1-BR and I've lived here many, many years. Before I got married I used to rent out the BR and sleep in the LR. Of course, that pretty much means no overnight guests, or at least not very often, since they'd be walking through my private space. One roommate had her bf over almost every night, and they would come home in the wee hours, stumbling drunk. Having to deal with two hungover people with booze coming out their pores in the morning was no fun. Yeah, and I don't think she ever cleaned anything. Eventually, after waiting two weeks for her rent one month, I put her stuff in the hall and changed the locks on my door.

Another roommate just could never figure out the two deadbolts on the door and I never felt safe with her here because she didn't know how to work my locks. She ruined a good frying pan of mine, somehow snapped off a very unique towel hook I had in the bathroom which could not be replaced, and broke a very special memento of mine. The day I came home from work to tell her to move out, I walked in and saw she had a huge shiner from her drunken escapades the night before.

Back to living with partners, there was a difference in standards between me and my hubs, and this was something he got heated about a lot. I tend to collect stuff, hold onto old things, and can very easily and quickly be surrounded by clutter. He always wanted me to toss my shit out. I also have a bad habit of leaving my clothes around, and he would complain about picking up after me. One of the things he said bothered him, when we talked about our separation/divorce in therapy, was that he felt like he was living with a rebellious teenager.

Funny, how much neater I am since he moved out. However, Lively had to laugh recently when he asked about all the dishes in my sink and I told him I occasionally go on strike. He said, "You're on strike against yourself?" and I said, "Yeah, it's not really working out too well, 'cause eventually I am gonna be standing here for an hour doing all of these." We both cracked up laughing.

[NeonKaos]

I tried making my cats do their share of the cleaning, but it works out much better if they make the mess and i clean it up. That way, they get to divide the job of making the mess 23 ways, and everyone does their share and no one is left out. (except the cats that live outside)