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  #21  
Old 08-06-2011, 01:11 AM
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rubyslippers rubyslippers is offline
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Originally Posted by islandgy9 View Post
Wow...
I don't have time right now to be specific, but thank you all for trying to help me. I am truly touched that you have taken the time to offer your thoughts.
M can simply let her conundrums go with a smile it seems. Mine drive me nuts... but I usually figure them out and come to terms with them. This one has a good grip.
You all are helping me see different options. Thank you. Keep em comming! More later... IG
I can live with mysteries...in fact most reveal themselves in time. I have what has been called Oriental patience...
Acceptance of yourself is key to accepting others...

Be as you are you are beautiful "as is"
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  #22  
Old 08-08-2011, 04:20 AM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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AnotherConfused wrote: "Can you love your girlfriend as a friend (with or without the extras) and seek someone else for your full time partner?"

My reply: Thanks AC, Your friends story does seem like mine... I'm sorry for their pain for I know exactly how it feels. I think I am able now to actualize that even though M and I do share some deep significant connections I can't expect her to want what I do. I think I'm finally able( at least tonight...) to stop hoping for more. I don't know what is changing but something is letting reality become ... real. Thanks for helping with that.

Satisfaction wrote: "I was once in a relationship like you are, and I knew deep down that it was not what I really wanted. I think you know this too."

My reply: Im not so sure about that... I can live with differences and iddiosincricies, I actually enjoy them ( to a point of course) BUT the person I'm with must want to "live" with mine. I do hope to find someone who shares my relationship "ideals". I'm very glad for you that you have found yours! That gives me hope! Thank you

Nicothoe, thanks for tour thoughts also. I also feel lonely.

PickMoreDaisies wrote: I would suggest...and this is only my opinion...that you carry on with this woman that you obviously care a great deal about, take it for what it is, enjoy the time that you spend together and also leave yourself open to finding someone who can meet your needs for something live-in. I would agree that there is nothing wrong with wanting this. i just wouldn't want to give up on the great connection that you have with this woman to get it.

My reply: I do care a great deal for her and I hope she can always be in my life, I finally think it's sinking in and I am accepting of what is.

Thanks again everyone.
P.s. M and I spoke tonight for the first time in a couple of weeks. She had a very "eventfull" weekend with a very sick elderly dog, being helped by caring friends, one of which may be back in her life after leaving for similar issues as I am facing, went on a date with a new friend. She called to thank me for my offer to help. Who knows... This may just work out... Differently than how I wanted but ok.
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  #23  
Old 08-08-2011, 06:46 AM
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IG, it does seem that the ideal you want to attain is fundamentally different than what she wants and that neither of you is willing to change. This doesn't mean anyone is wrong, but it does mean there's core incompatibility. As such, your destination partner is not M.

That said, you detailed an array of relationships or perhaps sport fucking that you also participate in. Given that list, part of me wonders how much other free time you have. In any case you seem to be somewhere in the grey space between being poly and being a swinger (the give I get is more swing).

As such, first I would figure out whether you are poly or swing. Then I'd work on finding someone who appreciates you also also shares your core image for your relationship. M can be a loved partner during this time and may continue as such, but it doesn't seem like she'll ever fulfill the desire that is causing you disquiet.

Best of luck.
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  #24  
Old 08-08-2011, 07:25 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Sagency wrote: "As such, first I would figure out whether you are poly or swing. Then I'd work on finding someone who appreciates you also also shares your core image for your relationship. M can be a loved partner during this time and may continue as such, but it doesn't seem like she'll ever fulfill the desire that is causing you disquiet."

My reply: "Sport fucking".... Hmmm. From what I've picked up from this site, most folks here don't like the idea of sex simply for the sake of sex/physical pleasure. To the point of distain... To each their own. Be and let be. As long as there is respect, mutual consent and no deceit I don't see anything "wrong" with it. "Ethical Slutizm" perhaps.

I also know some/most people can't imagine having sex without love/intimacy/relationship/trust. Personally I prefer sex with the love/intimacy/trust, but very much enjoy having "relations" with a small variety of people.

Although I don't feel "dedicated" love for my couple friends, durring our once a month or so get togethers we might watch a movie, sometimes have lunch or diner, socialize, I've stayed the weekend once or twice at one of the couples weekend island house. What doesn't seem necessary is to talk about feelings or intimate things, with my couple friends that's the difference... to me anyway.

My whole dilema is that I DO feel love/intimacy/trust with M on many levels intelectually and emotionally AND our physical relationship is...was... incredibly fantastic.Our relationship was not physicly based by far and I want to make that clear, but for both of us it was important.

In an email recently M said: " Have you considered coming out to the forum and saying you are bi? Revealing the whole of you is risky but may be freeing. It was pointed out to me early on that I can NEVER meet all of your needs particularly sexually..." personally I don't remember "pointing out" that she could "NEVER" meet all of my needs...

Anyway, Im not sure why she feels it would be "freeing", I thought it was implied some time before that I am Bi, but I certainly am not hiding anything deliberatley. The aspects of bisexuality I enjoy are for me, exactly that...sexual. Enjoyable, yes... But only a small part of my "complete" sexuality. Perhaps she can't meet all of my sexual needs but she most certainly satisfied damn near every sexual desire I've ever had. Similarly, a guy can't completely satisfy a womans every desire if she likes to be with other women sexually.

However you did put things in very real perspective... Our ideas of ideal relationships are fundimentally different, and as you said: "As such, your destination partner is not M."

That was a very difficult and very reluctant realization.
You are gently helping to further confirm this. It has taken me a very long time.
Thank you

Last edited by islandgy9; 08-08-2011 at 07:30 PM. Reason: Correction
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  #25  
Old 08-08-2011, 08:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by islandgy9 View Post
From what I've picked up from this site, most folks here don't like the idea of sex simply for the sake of sex/physical pleasure.
...
In an email recently M said: " Have you considered coming out to the forum and saying you are bi? Revealing the whole of you is risky but may be freeing. It was pointed out to me early on that I can NEVER meet all of your needs particularly sexually..." personally I don't remember "pointing out" that she could "NEVER" meet all of my needs...
For the first point, some do, some don't. The people who don't mind sex solely for pleasure without the context of a relationship (or a less 'deep' relationship) may not post as much or they just don't address that part of their life here.

As for the second, there are a number of bi men running about here. I can't imagine why all parts of you would not be welcomed here. (I acknowledge that being a bi man is a whole different ball of wax than being a bi woman. I think in many ways it's harder.)

I'm not a bi man (lesbian-ish right now) but welcome!
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  #26  
Old 08-08-2011, 09:43 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Hi O,
I didn't mean to come across as judgemental as to pure Poly/love vs. Swinging or sport fucking (that last term sounded kind of derogitory to even me! :0 ). People like/want/need different things that's all. It just seems to me that in some posts/threads "swinging" has been specificly pointed out, even isolated as and identified as non-poly. The thought of recreational sex "seems" to bother some folks maybe because to them it "lessens" what loving physical intimacy means to them. I understand that. I'm not arguing anything or defending myself, there is no conflict here .

As far as me being Bi. It never played into the issues I am dealing with here... As far as I can tell, so I never thought to mention it. For the reccord with my threesome couple friends, one more than the other, there is almost equal interaction between the three of us but the "variety" of guy/guy interation is limited with mutual agreement as to preferences...

Don't know if all of that is TOO much info but for some reason m thought it important... I think...
If not than I feel a bit silly, but I have nothing to hide, it's just me.

I liked your term "lesbian-ish"! I know I'm definitly not homosexual-ish... I'm way more hetero than even Bi-ish... The term I've used to describe myself is "Bi to a degree". It kind of leaves the door open IF further explanation is sought. Too many labels..
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  #27  
Old 08-08-2011, 10:30 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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Let's be honest here, the vast majority of relationships start out with a large sexual component, which eventually gives way to love. There is no denying that sexual attraction, desire, lust are as much a part of a relationship as love and friendship, and therefore a part of polyamory.

To me, what defines me as a polyamorist as opposed to a swinger, is the potential for a loving relationship to sprout from a casual one. That said, I am not against having purely sexual relationship.
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  #28  
Old 08-08-2011, 10:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicothoe View Post
Let's be honest here, the vast majority of relationships start out with a large sexual component, which eventually gives way to love. There is no denying that sexual attraction, desire, lust are as much a part of a relationship as love and friendship, and therefore a part of polyamory.
Something about my being 45 years of age, and having had so many ... shall we say, disappointments, has conspired to shift all of the weighting of this vs that around in my soul. Now, deeply intimate (emotionally, intellectually, biographically, psychologically, spiritually) friendship is about as sexy as it gets, as with resounding heart connection. And heart connection is even more important, and sensually gratifying, than crotch connection. I'm capable of tremendous energy in the heart area, and am looking forward to some heart-gasms.

I could not let physical attraction, divorced from the broad range of other things, lead the dance now. It is far from enough. It's gloriously good when it is there, also, but it needs to ride in the back seat now, for me.
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  #29  
Old 08-08-2011, 11:23 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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Well, I didn't say it didn't happen *smile* Speaking from my own experience, I fell in love with my girlfriend's room-mate long before we started having a regular physical relationship (which is only recently).

My point was that you can be polyamorous and still enjoy casual sex, and that trying to categorize this aspect of me as a swinger, this part as non monogamous, and the rest as poly doesn't always make sense.
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  #30  
Old 08-08-2011, 11:39 PM
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rubyslippers rubyslippers is offline
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Arrow "sport fuckery!"

what a great, descriptive term "sport fuckery" is... i see NOTHING derogatory about it and in fact am adding that to my inner vocabulaty of sexuality...thank you Sagency. When a swinger starts setting up appointments a couple hours apart when swinging through (pardon unintentional pun) a region on a "business trip"...now THAT is well described as "sport fuckery"...

i was invited to be a guest of this gentleman...but my first feeling was "OMG!" What the h----! How bizarre!" now i have a descriptive term, for that kind of situation which this individual relished...To each their own and live and let live...thank you for considering me, but I will pass on your invitation at this time...Good luck in your search for companions!

i want IG, and all i care for, to be all they can be and seek what fulfills them...

on a personal note, what amazes me about all posting here, is the recognition and respect shown, of the 'significance' of the feelings and emotions of anyone posting here...hallelujah
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