Prepping for poly - how?

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by nycindie

How can we prepare ourselves to be loving and happy when the ones we love also love others? Is it even possible to prepare for it? Or is it something we just have to keep working toward? Will we eventually reach a state where we become unruffled by it and are totally compersive? I know it does come easily for many poly peeps, but again, I wonder why so many people agree to poly when they really don't want to see their partner in love with someone else.

how many of them had to overcome devastation and save themselves from drowning because they jumped into the deep end of the pool without much forethought or preparation beforehand?

Wow, really great questions NYCindie! I would think preparation is the best bet.

[BlackUnicorn]

I also find that reading this forum and what others have gone through helps as a preparation of "what you might expect". It's consoling to know, in the wake of my recent poly disappointment, that most FMF triads sizzle out after the NRE threesome sex period and become FMF vees instead - I don't feel like such a screw-up for not being able to make my triad last (as if you could ever force a relationship to last anyway).

[nicothoe]

I don't think it is entirely possible to prepare yourself for the wave of jealousy and emotions that are going to hit you the moment you enter poly waters. The least you can do is expect them.

I try to be a realist. I tend not to view jealousy as a mythical beast that can be killed, or never existed to begin with. That way, when it does raise its ugly head, you are not completely taken by surprise. I tell myself it's okay to be jealous, and what really matters is how your handle your emotions, and whether you have precautions in place to stop yourself from becoming an ass. I say this because how often do we find ourselves betrayed by our own emotions? You tell yourself your okay with something and then BANG! you feel you have been shot in the stomach. Maybe you can write a letter to yourself, to be opened when your world has been turned upside down,

"Dear John, this is your rational self speaking. You're probably thinking right now that your relationship is in ruin, well, it's not, so get a grip of yourself man...."

[River]

Originally Posted by nicothoe

I don't think it is entirely possible to prepare yourself for the wave of jealousy and emotions that are going to hit you the moment you enter poly waters. The least you can do is expect them. [/I]

This post definitely applies to a very, very large portion of the population. But not to everyone. When my long time partner fell in love with another guy and pursued a relationship with him, I felt only good happy feelings about that. I never had any jealousy at all. And I can't imagine I ever would, unless he were to seriously neglect our relationship -- which he would not, because he really does love me. So I just can't see myself having a serious problem with jealousy, ever.

That said, if ever I do face jealousy in myself, I'll be happy to confront it and deal with it. It will shock me to no end, if it does! I just can't see that in my future.

[nicothoe]

There are going to be exceptions to every rule, and I am glad you are one of them. My point was that sometimes we overestimate our own ability to handle a situation, that is, until it actually happens. So when giving advice, it is always better to err on the side of caution than to presume otherwise.

I like to remind people that they are human, and that whatever it is they are going through or struggling with, they are no better or worse than the rest of us. That experiencing jealousy does not make you a failure at polyamory. That nobody should be ashamed of their emotions.

We make mistakes. We learn. We move on.

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, I definitely felt tons of jealousy with my ex's gf, but only because she was supposed to be a unicorn, but didn't deliver.

With my gf now, 12 years later, i only feel jealousy when she breaks a boundary (accidentally, and that's only happened once), or when my needs have been neglected just because of life circumstances. We always talk about it immediately, she verbally reassures me, then fucks me, and all is well. I'm easy like that!

[KGodc]

I think your advice here is very helpful. I wonder, do you have any deeper advice for exploring the parts that are uncomfortable.

Its hard to imagine my husband with another woman because I don't trust most women to be kind and loving....he has been hurt before, and I don't want that for him or us. I have a very fluid sexuality and am open about what I want, but some women just want to play games, which is what I fear. How can I know that the women my husband might meet are (bite my tongue) "safe"? Pain and loss happen in any relationships, but poly isn't for everyone which complicates things even more.

My guess is that ground rules and pacing a relationship would be a great way to overcome the fear of an insane bitch (can I say that here?) playing games. What do you think?...any other good ideas?

[River]

Originally Posted by KGodc

Its hard to imagine my husband with another woman because I don't trust most women to be kind and loving....he has been hurt before, and I don't want that for him or us. [....] How can I know that the women my husband might meet are (bite my tongue) "safe"? Pain and loss happen in any relationships, but poly isn't for everyone which complicates things even more.

I must say it is a delight to read about your open, loving care for your husband, his well-being. I'll say this: if you keep the channels of communication open between you two, and trust him, for the most part (by far) to make his own choices, things should probably go splendidly. The fact that you are looking after his well-being and happiness, even if he were to love another, speaks volumes. You're going to be okay. But keep speaking your heart. Things should be very good.

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by KGodc

My guess is that ground rules and pacing a relationship would be a great way to overcome the fear of an insane bitch (can I say that here?) playing games. What do you think?...any other good ideas?

Depends a great deal on what you mean by ground rules and pacing. The most common difficulty I hear poly/open couples around me having is the constant going to and fro between what one partner is and is not comfortable with. This can frustrate potential OSOs out pretty quickly, and create resentment between the original couple.

Yes, people cannot always (often) predict beforehand what something will feel like. But we should not allow our emotions to ride all over us and the future we are trying to create. If you are having a rough day, commit to the future you have seen before you and wanted to pursue, not to the present and fleeting state of mind that is telling you to rein in your partner and put artificial boundaries on the natural progression of their other relationships.

It is exactly as likely that they will meet someone new and run away with them even if you were strictly monogamous. In fact, some might argue it's less likely they will balk in poly because the whole 'you have to choose one or the other' pressure is gone.

As to your specific concern; are you sure some of your fear of him getting hurt is not just jealousy in disguise? In the good old "no one is good enough for my son/daughter (but me) because no one will understand what a rare gem they are (except I)" manner, but only with a poly twist.

If you feel you need ground rules, try making ones that are specific and have a timeline. "Don't do anything that could jeopardize our primary connection" is a bad rule, because practically anything can fall under that. "When we are both ready, you can have as much freedom as you want" is another bad one, because there is no timeline - there might never become a time when both are ready. "I'm afraid that if you start a new relationship, you will get swept up in NRE and start neglecting our relationship and me. So I would appreciate it if in the beginning you would just go on dates and not stay over for days at a time before I have a chance to meet them and we can all discuss what we want and expect out of this" is a good rule/boundary; it's very specific and limited in its duration.

IMO only you either give the other person their freedom or you don't. That includes the freedom to meet, fall in love and form relationships with people who wouldn't be your first choice of metamours. Problems arise when you think of abstract situations which you wouldn't be okay with as opposed to equally abstract situations you think you can handle, without having no actual experience with either. Then when reality doesn't match your fantasies, you have a situation where one partner is continously changing their mind about what is okay and what isn't, one day sulking and demanding that old boundaries that have been lifted by mutual consent be re-introduced, the other over-enthusiastic and asking they get rid of all boundaries alltogether, including the ones they only yesterday thought they couldn't do without.

(I might not always think Vanilla's mother treats her in the best possible way. However, their relationship has such depth and history, most of which I'll never be privy to, that anything I see is only going to be a scratch on the surface. I'm also aware that I might be subtly competing with her mother over who gets to be the number one woman in her life, which is insane, because we have very different roles to play for her. Additionally, people have a tendency to bitch and moan about their near and dears much more readily than to praise them for all the good they've done. All of these contribute to how I perceive Vanilla's mother and their relationship, which is not how she experiences it most of the time.)