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  #21  
Old 10-22-2009, 08:21 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).
Sorry, but you might want to inform him that his head is up his ass.
Agreed...maybe all he really needs is some LUBE to get it out!
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  #22  
Old 10-22-2009, 08:22 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Agreed...maybe all he really needs is some LUBE to get it out!

You need lube to get it in; you need an enema to get it out.
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  #23  
Old 10-22-2009, 09:08 PM
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I laughed when you said that it is generally easier for women to find partners then men. My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).
Are you serious???

Is it only me that finds that totally inappropriate and rude for him to suggest much less say??
I happen to KNOW it's generally easier for women to find someone then men (lots of theories on why) but I would NEVER suggest something so harsh to Maca! That is just RUDE.
I make a point of reminding Maca that he's a sexy, intelligent, wonderful person who people do and will find attractive and loving. I would never do anything to make him doubt himself-that is NOT loving...


As to the pregnancy thing-I am the poly one in our marriage. Maca is fixed. That was one of HIS first statements-no babies, safe sex. I didnt' even blink. OF COURSE that is reasonable. Things could change at any time-but rules must be made based on NOW and as RP said in Maca's thread earlier-rules get changed as they are no longer fitting.
Why on EARTH would he want to consider making a baby with someone else right now??? I could see the possibility if you end up with woman who becomes close to you both either a solid strong V or a triad and had years behind you that you could confidently assure a high likelihood of permanence in the relationship of renegotiating that rule. But now???? NO WAY.

To just blow it out of the water like that is also RUDE and UNLOVING.

Big red flag for me.

I agree with communication -and lots of it needed now. Also-one more suggestion off the top of my head. Discuss that rules for now are FOR NOW and that both of you will be changed as time passes (even if you stayed monogomous) so as things change you need to be able to renegotiate and reconsider.

Also-if veto power is instated, it needs to go both ways. No favoritism...
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  #24  
Old 10-22-2009, 09:17 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I do have one other question/concern that I need some help with.

My husband keeps bringing up a Needs/Wants/Likes list. He said that he made one a few months ago and that he goes back to it every so often to add/delete/modify it. He wants me to make one too so that we can compare the two together. He said that if the lists aren't similar enough then there is no way for us to continue as a couple. I keep telling him that I am not living my life by some list. I sat down last week to make this list and I can only come up with 3-4 things in the "needs" section.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Is there anyone who has made a list like this or knows what I'm talking about? If there is anyone who could help me with this I would greatly appreciate it. We're going to see a couple therapist next month and my husband wants to take these lists with us. I think it's just a bunch of crap.
Actually yes-and my dh thought it was a bunch of crap at first too-but it's not.
It's not a "permanent list" because we change every day. But it is a guideline to help yourself understand yourself a little better, a little deeper.

Short Example-for me
I NEED
to have connection
security
love
understanding
active lifestyle
time alone
friendship
time with my kids

I WANT
freedom to explore
time with my kids having fun
romance
excitement
lots of kisses

I CAN NOT TOLERATE
judgement
condemnation of me as a person
derogatory statements or treatment of me publicly or privately
having my friends chosen or approved by someone else


I know these things about me-so I know I can't be with someone who can't respect and appreciate my kids. Cause they will negatively affect one of the things that I need. I also can't be with someone who needs to degrade others to make themselves feel worthy-because I can't tolerate that behavior and it will happen to me...

Try not to think only in terms of your romantic relationship-but think in terms of your basic self. Like my time alone-I truly NEED it. Every other day or so I take an hour in the tub to read with the door locked while DH watches the kids. He learned a long time ago that if I don't get that time I lose me and start being a bitch-which he doesn't appreciate. So he helps ensure I get it and we all benefit.
It's not pertinent to a romantic relationship per se-but it does EFFECT that relationship. Does that help?
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  #25  
Old 10-22-2009, 10:43 PM
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Here's my recommendation:


Needs / Wants / Likes

I Need you to stop being an ass
I Want you to start considering my feelings in addition to your own
I'd Like to believe this is possible but everything you do makes me skeptical

How'zat?
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  #26  
Old 10-22-2009, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
Here's my recommendation:


Needs / Wants / Like

I Need you to stop being an ass
I Want you to start considering my feelings in addition to your own
I'd Like to believe this is possible but everything you do makes me skeptical

How'zat?
Good job Green. (giggle giggle).
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  #27  
Old 10-22-2009, 10:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
Here's my recommendation:


Needs / Wants / Likes

I Need you to stop being an ass
I Want you to start considering my feelings in addition to your own
I'd Like to believe this is possible but everything you do makes me skeptical

How'zat?
But it doesn't RHYME, yo!
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  #28  
Old 10-22-2009, 11:35 PM
MRC2009 MRC2009 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
Here's my recommendation:


Needs / Wants / Likes

I Need you to stop being an ass
I Want you to start considering my feelings in addition to your own
I'd Like to believe this is possible but everything you do makes me skeptical

How'zat?
Thank you Green! This is just what I needed!
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  #29  
Old 10-22-2009, 11:52 PM
MRC2009 MRC2009 is offline
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I'd say Kudos for at least taking the time to think about what rules or boundaries you would need to be safe. I'm curious about your husbands disagreement with so many, and his motivations towards poly...unless the list read something like, Rule #1: Be Monogamous, Rule #2: Don't sleep with anyone but me, Rule#3: Don't get anyone pregnant but me...etc etc....which while possibly valid rules for traditional marriage, it would make for a very short non-discussion for any kind of open or polyamorous relationship.

Not knowing the other rules, I'll stick with the hot ticket item...Don't knock up other people! Yeah...this is HUGE. I had a similar conversation with my wife, which we are still circling around each other a bit since she has basically the same rule for me. Except that my response was opposite...something to the effect of "Well DUH, of course not!"
A couple of days after learning about my husband being Poly I decided to buy a journal. I figured that if I had any questions, thoughts, "rules" and what not about Poly that I would right it down (for future use). Here are the rules that I have written down: 1) At NO time will any other female become pregnant by my husband. 2) NO unprotected sex!! Ever->For no reason! No glove, No LOVE!!! 3)At this current moment I am not comfortable with sleepovers. At no time have I told him to be only monogamous with me. Nor have I told him that he can't sleep with anyone else. Though I did ask that he not just sleep with anyone and everyone.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
You should be able to get plenty of both here, inlcuding mono people in relationships with poly's. I'm curious about your last couple statements, in giving Poly a try (is that for yourself, or would you be planning to maintain a monogamous relationship with him while allowing him to carry on in a poly type fasion?) as well as wanting a BF if you aren't trying to be poly yourself? Or is the BF just for show & tell? Payback? Equity?
I can tell you that I would NOT take on a BF for show & tell, Payback or equity. I consider myself monogamous, though I'm not against trying something new. Everything is so new for me right now. I honestly don't know if I could ever have a BF or GF. I guess only time will tell!
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  #30  
Old 10-23-2009, 02:08 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Only time can tell on many things in life.
The journal is probably a really great idea.

I think some of the issues you have listed make perfect sense. Have you all chosen a poly-friendly therapist? I ask because it might be very helpful if you two could discuss ALL of this (as well as the rest) with the therapist. Even if you resolve whatever the other issues are, if these can't be resolved as well it won't matter...
Just seems like it might be good to address both...
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