Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:11 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).
Sorry, but you might want to inform him that his head is up his ass.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I have a huge issue with one partner declaring thier right to poly and having a drop of hesitance for thier partner to do the same. That's not poly, that's more like polygamy. I guess some people, male and female just want harems.

I've said this before, but as the "more poly" one of myself and my husband, I would feel funny if he DIDN'T have someone else and I did!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:23 PM
MRC2009 MRC2009 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 15
Default

I do have one other question/concern that I need some help with.

My husband keeps bringing up a Needs/Wants/Likes list. He said that he made one a few months ago and that he goes back to it every so often to add/delete/modify it. He wants me to make one too so that we can compare the two together. He said that if the lists aren't similar enough then there is no way for us to continue as a couple. I keep telling him that I am not living my life by some list. I sat down last week to make this list and I can only come up with 3-4 things in the "needs" section.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Is there anyone who has made a list like this or knows what I'm talking about? If there is anyone who could help me with this I would greatly appreciate it. We're going to see a couple therapist next month and my husband wants to take these lists with us. I think it's just a bunch of crap.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:31 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
I do have one other question/concern that I need some help with.

We're going to see a couple therapist next month and my husband wants to take these lists with us. I think it's just a bunch of crap.
I agree....b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t!
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:35 PM
Tech Tech is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 25
Default

My 2 cents...

Therapy sounds good. Do it, get a professional, objective opinion. Likely it will agree with alot of the feedback here.

As far as lists? Sounds like he came up with "this great idea" to outline his needs. Good for him - but this might not work for YOU. You both need to find ways to express your needs/wants, but lists might be HIS way of doing this, not yours.

Keep communicating, but it doesn't always have to be on his terms following his rules.

Good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:41 PM
MRC2009 MRC2009 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 15
Default

Sounds like you two have a bit of a chore ahead sorting things out. I don't hear any mention of a 3rd yet. Is he anticipating desiring someone and just being proactive by declaring his poly-ness? Or is there a 3rd you haven't yet spoken of yet. Regardless...you will get some very good advice and feedback on these forums.

No there is no 3rd (yet)! I've asked my husband to not look for anyone until we can sort through things. He said that he can do that. Sadly most people I've talked to about this seems to think that he may have someone already. I ask and he keeps saying no. I want to believe him.

- Pregnancy
I see this as a big red flag. Bringing anyone into the world is a huge deal. You two really need to be on-board any decisions in this matter. He needs to take your concerns much more seriously than he seems to. Especially since a child would bind whomever you meet permanently to your lives, and so early in your poly-adventure...seems dangerous to me.

I've tried to explain my feelings about this to him. I don't understand why he isn't willing to work with me on this. He said that if he finds someone that he falls in love with and they want a child then he will give it to them. He has convinced himself that because I have fertility issues that I will never be able to give him any children. I told him that no one knows what's going to happen and that he could be worrying himself over nothing. I've been clear that this is a deal breaker for me! It seems as though he's willing to lose me over something like this.

- Your desire/needs for companionship
As the "mono" one in my relationship (my wife has a BF), I also find there to be a desire for someone else in my life. Does this make me poly? I don't think so, but I don't know. We've even discussed this. I feel that I wouldn't see another person in my life even remotely the same as I see my wife. But at this time she would have an issue with that. Regardless of my own personal dilemma, I wanted you to know that from my perspective (which I see similar to yours) I know where you are coming from.

I understand what you are saying. For me I honestly don't know if I could be with someone else. When my husband gave me the "OK" to see someone else it didn't make me happy. I feel the same way you do, I wouldn't see another person the same way I see my husband. For me I'm not a causal sex type person. There has to be meaning and feelings behind it. And I don't know if I could allow myself to feel that way for someone other than my husband.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
- Pregnancy
I see this as a big red flag. Bringing anyone into the world is a huge deal. You two really need to be on-board any decisions in this matter. He needs to take your concerns much more seriously than he seems to. Especially since a child would bind whomever you meet permanently to your lives, and so early in your poly-adventure...seems dangerous to me.

I've tried to explain my feelings about this to him. I don't understand why he isn't willing to work with me on this. He said that if he finds someone that he falls in love with and they want a child then he will give it to them. He has convinced himself that because I have fertility issues that I will never be able to give him any children. I told him that no one knows what's going to happen and that he could be worrying himself over nothing. I've been clear that this is a deal breaker for me! It seems as though he's willing to lose me over something like this.
FUCK THIS.

"Give him children"?

What are you, a baby-vending-machine? A uterus with arms and legs?

Ptooey.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:52 PM
MRC2009 MRC2009 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 15
Default

So what does he want? What do YOU want?

I'm not 100% sure what he wants. Except that he wants to live a Poly lifestyle with me. According to him he's been trying to figure this out for 4 years (we've been married for 5). He wants me to be okay with everything. As far as what I want....I want both of us to be happy and together. If he truly is Poly then I want to continue to respect that and work with him on it. I love him and I want to support him in anything he does.

Are you saying he gets to see other women, possibly procreate with them, but you must see only him and if you don't like his terms, tough on you?

He says that I can date if that's what I really want. But he feels that I want to date in hopes of making myself Poly. I don't want to be Poly, but I do want the same options that he has. His long term goal is to find someone to fall madly in love with and that he could possibly have children with. He's already talking about a commitment ceremony and all that. If he had his way he wants someone that could move in with us, etc. That is just TOO much for me to deal with and think of at this current time.

Or are you "allowed" to have a girlfriend?

You know I've never asked about a GF. He would probably laugh at me because I've never really thought about being with another women. He would probably give me his blessing in a heart beat!

Sounds like typical sexist shit to me. I wouldn't have a kid with this guy. Then again, I wouldn't have a kid with ANYbody, but that's me.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:57 PM
Tech Tech is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 25
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
FUCK THIS.

"Give him children"?

What are you, a baby-vending-machine? A uterus with arms and legs?

Ptooey.
Lol YGirl. My wife would ardently agree with you. She's quite "childfree" and my proxy so am I, but very willingly.

~~~~~~~~~~~

MRC,
A person's desire to procreate can be quite strong. It almost sounds like he might have a strong desire to have kids even if he has to go to someone else - could this be why he is looking and declaring himself poly? This will quickly erode your relationship (which sounds like it's struggling with to start). Both people in a relationship have to be on the same page on the "child debate".

As far as wanting someone. I just wanted to clarify a few of my previous thoughts. I don't see myself as poly because I am perfectly happy in a mono-relationship. But with my wife seeing someone, it DOES create desire to see "what's out there" in myself. I don't know if I could be happy with someone else (certainly I don't have desire to replace her), but I like *the idea* of the option being there. I hope this makes sense.

Anyways, again, good luck.
Tech
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 10-22-2009, 08:12 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,928
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
Hello! I stumbled upon this forum this morning and I'm happy that I did. Here's my situation:
Welcome to the forums...hopefully you'll find something to help out.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post

Recently (a few weeks ago) my husband (of 5 years) told me that he is Poly! I knew right away what that meant and it hit me incredibly hard. I told my husband that I respect that he felt this way but that it wasn't for me. He seemed surprised by my reaction and said "I thought you were going to take it better than this."
I agree with Mono on this one...it's a big decision at the best of times to go against the grain of society...and doubly so if you spring it on someone unexpectantly. I'm far more curious about the timing...did he just decide it was time to tell you after 5 years? Or is this a recent 'revelation' to himself as well?


Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
We haven't talked a whole lot about this as we were/are having some relationship issues and want to work on that first. We did sort of "talk" about it a few days after he dropped the bomb on me. He kept telling me that this was going to be fun and that it would benefit both of us. I still don't see how it could be either of those things. He said that there would be rules/guidelines that we would all have to agree on (and follow).
It sounds as if he's been thinking about this for some time, and it's true, communication is key, and boudaries or rules to keep each partner safe I believe are generally recommended.
However, if you are having other issues to work through anyways, it's usually not a good time to shake up the paradigm...I wouldn't care if it was poly, swinging, kink, or macaronni crafts. Whatever issues you're working on, they probably should be resolved first, as adding other people into the equation will generally not simplify anything.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
Well I started thinking about it and I decided to jot down a couple of rules that I would want to have. When I told my husband about them he didn't agree with a most of them. The biggest one is that I asked him not to get any other women pregnant. He said that could not and would not make that promise to me. This has been a BIG deal for me as I have fertility issues. In April 2009 we decided to take the next step in dealing with the fertility, so I'm really confused, upset, etc about this.
I'd say Kudos for at least taking the time to think about what rules or boundaries you would need to be safe. I'm curious about your husbands disagreement with so many, and his motivations towards poly...unless the list read something like, Rule #1: Be Monogamous, Rule #2: Don't sleep with anyone but me, Rule#3: Don't get anyone pregnant but me...etc etc....which while possibly valid rules for traditional marriage, it would make for a very short non-discussion for any kind of open or polyamorous relationship.

Not knowing the other rules, I'll stick with the hot ticket item...Don't knock up other people! Yeah...this is HUGE. I had a similar conversation with my wife, which we are still circling around each other a bit since she has basically the same rule for me. Except that my response was opposite...something to the effect of "Well DUH, of course not!"

Our situation differs from there in that we have our family, and we're very much inclined to protect that. The only downside to dating people in the medical profession is that they know way too much about birth control failure rates...and in my wife's case in particular she see's way too many of those cases on a daily basis. The other annicdote probably also has something to do with one of our first exposures to 'polyamory' many many moons ago (in quotes because the couple was only in the loosest sense of the term...emphasis on loose) was a guy in his late-twenties who within months of the birth of his first child with his wife, also managed to knock up one of the 14-year olds he was 'dating'. (Hopefully this doesn't diverge the conversation too much...it was in Canada, regardless of morality it was legal, and the guy was/is a douchebag...let's move on) Suffice to say, the biggest concern my wife has...is making sure we don't have unintended complications like child support, because just like time...income is finite.

Now...you say there are fertility issues, and you're going on at least 6 months of ...whatever the next step is. And in the last couple weeks he has come out as poly, and specifically won't even consider promising not to impregnate other women? I don't think I need my wife here to tell me that's a huge red flag warning right there. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the implications of your husband trying to have children by other women while you're struggling with fertility issues. It boggles the mind. If you're confused & upset, I don't blame you. The timing, and this as a sticking point...I'd be very curious about his reasoning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
So I've joined this forum in hopes of getting some insight from both Mono and Poly people. I've thought a LOT about this and if we can work things out between us I'm willing to give Poly a try. I told my husband that I would like to have a BF and he says that he thinks I'm trying to make myself Poly. Which couldn't be further from the truth!
You should be able to get plenty of both here, inlcuding mono people in relationships with poly's. I'm curious about your last couple statements, in giving Poly a try (is that for yourself, or would you be planning to maintain a monogamous relationship with him while allowing him to carry on in a poly type fasion?) as well as wanting a BF if you aren't trying to be poly yourself? Or is the BF just for show & tell? Payback? Equity?

Anyways, hopefully some others can weigh in on this, and with any luck they can be more concise than I. Just my 2 cents, and box-O'dozen-questions.

Cheers.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:00 AM.