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  #91  
Old 08-04-2011, 06:50 PM
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vixtresses vixtresses is offline
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Minxxa - Yeah, that makes sense. I know Romeo does have a hard time identifying and verbalizing emotions (and I guess in a lot of ways that's just a "guy thing"). I'm going to try bringing him with me to my therapist this week. Usually she's just my therapist, but she also sees us together when things come up. Romeo has said he'd like to get into counseling for himself, and I'm completely in favor of that. It's just a matter of him actually getting there... initiative isn't his best strength. Hopefully he goes soon, but in the meantime, we can go to mine together for our "us" issues.

SNeacail - You're probably right about the way he's seeing the "explaining" I'm doing. I guess I have a hard time apologizing when I don't think what I did was inherently wrong. I can look at other ways of responding besides just immediately trying to explain what I did and why, though. Maybe validating his feelings on the matter, or some such. I will try and make a list of the things he brought up that I can remember, and maybe we can pick them apart in counseling next time.

nycindie - Exactly! I really don't like it when issues are bottled up inside and thrown back at me later. I did try and point that out during the fight, but I think it was just the wrong time to address it. Things had already gotten too heated by that point. (Probably didn't help any that this whole thing happened after a few drinks.) I think the main thing we need to work on is making sure he does feel it's ok to talk about stuff as it occurs. I think he has a hard time with that, and I wonder if something about the way I communicate makes him feel like it's not OK to bring things up if they're not a huge problem already.

Today we're doing alright, though. We talked yesterday, and although we didn't really go in depth into all of the things we talked about in that fight, we did talk about some important things. I still don't know that there's been resolution, but we're in an affectionate and loving place regardless, so I think that's a good thing.
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Last edited by vixtresses; 08-04-2011 at 06:53 PM.
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  #92  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:01 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Vix...

Hubs and I have been in that position, too, where it comes out after a few drinks-- bad timing for a serious conversation!

But I've figured out that's because he has such a hard time opening up about that stuff he has to be buzzed to do it.

I'm learning now, that it's better for me to just let him say what he needs to, and then address it later when we're both sober and in a better place.

Counseling sounds great... I'm crossing everything that when hubs comes back he gets right into counseling for himself. He tends to procrastinate a lot, and I don't want to nag him because he really has to do it on his own of his own volition, not because the wife is nagging him to!
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  #93  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:07 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vixtresses View Post
I guess I have a hard time apologizing when I don't think what I did was inherently wrong.
My husband is exactly this way. I think he has actually said the words "I'm sorry" only 5-6 times in 19 years of marriage. He has said it alot this year and it makes a BIG BIG difference. It was a huge source of resentment, I always felt that he blamed me for every misunderstanding or issue we had and felt that he was unwilling to take any responsibility ("I was just the emotional bitch, too stupid to figure out what he really meant").
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Old 08-04-2011, 07:08 PM
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(ETA: This was in reply to Minxxa, cross-posted with SNeacail)
Yeah, I've pretty much come to the same conclusion about Romeo (having to be buzzed to open up). Letting him just say what he needs to say and addressing it later sounds like a good idea.

Goodness, everything you just said about your hubs sounds SO similar to Romeo it's almost eery. Right down to the bit about him procrastinating and you not wanting to nag him into it things!

SNeacail - yeah... (If there was a non-smiling blushing face I'd have used that instead!) I need to really take that to heart. I think it stems down to pride, really.
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Last edited by vixtresses; 08-04-2011 at 07:24 PM.
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  #95  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vixtresses View Post
I think the main thing we need to work on is making sure he does feel it's ok to talk about stuff as it occurs. I think he has a hard time with that, and I wonder if something about the way I communicate makes him feel like it's not OK to bring things up if they're not a huge problem already..
I think it's a guy thing. Society teaches men to keep their feelings under wraps and deal with it to be a man. My hubs did the same thing. I had to retrain him.
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  #96  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by vixtresses View Post
SNeacail - yeah... (If there was a non-smiling blushing face I'd have used that instead!) I need to really take that to heart. I think it stems down to pride, really.
It was for my husband. A lot of it is just that learning how to communicate within a different dynamic than you grew up with is a bitch. Be glad that you are getting help with these things now and not waiting 15-20 years down the road. Still banging my head for that one.
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  #97  
Old 08-04-2011, 08:10 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think it's a guy thing. Society teaches men to keep their feelings under wraps and deal with it to be a man. My hubs did the same thing. I had to retrain him.
It's more common in men, I agree. However I grew up keeping my feelings to myself, and I often do not know what I am feeling right away. I've done work to try and address both issues. Still working on both. I'm not the only female type person who has this pattern - it's not just the dudes!
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  #98  
Old 08-04-2011, 08:14 PM
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I'm not always great at identifying what's bothering me, either. And I was raised to hide my most tumultuous feelings, too. People have often commented that nothing seems to bother me, while inside I am worrying a lot about something. I use the analogy of a duck who appears to be floating along on the water, carefree, but what we can't see is their little webbed feet paddling furiously under the surface.

I've had to train myself to still speak up, even if I don't know what's wrong or upsetting me: "I'm not sure what it is that's bothering me, but something doesn't feel right..."

But I still think it's harder for guys in lots of ways, societally speaking. Women are expected to be "emotional."
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-04-2011 at 08:19 PM.
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  #99  
Old 08-10-2011, 02:46 PM
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vixtresses vixtresses is offline
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Scenario for your consideration:
If I don't feel like having sex with Romeo one night, say Monday night, what happens if I spend time with another guy on Tuesday night and feel like having sex with him? Is that wrong because I said "no" to Romeo the night before?

I would go into more detail over pm, I guess. That was very vague and wasn't even something that actually happened, but I'm not comfortable going into much more detail than that in public here.
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  #100  
Old 08-10-2011, 03:30 PM
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Short answer; no. You are never required to have sex with anyone or during any moment you don't want to.

Long answer; feel free to PM more background info, because you probably knew the above already.
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