Hello from NY!

[MRC2009]

Hello! I stumbled upon this forum this morning and I'm happy that I did. Here's my situation:

Recently (a few weeks ago) my husband (of 5 years) told me that he is Poly! I knew right away what that meant and it hit me incredibly hard. I told my husband that I respect that he felt this way but that it wasn't for me. He seemed surprised by my reaction and said "I thought you were going to take it better than this."

We haven't talked a whole lot about this as we were/are having some relationship issues and want to work on that first. We did sort of "talk" about it a few days after he dropped the bomb on me. He kept telling me that this was going to be fun and that it would benefit both of us. I still don't see how it could be either of those things. He said that there would be rules/guidelines that we would all have to agree on (and follow). Well I started thinking about it and I decided to jot down a couple of rules that I would want to have. When I told my husband about them he didn't agree with a most of them. The biggest one is that I asked him not to get any other women pregnant. He said that could not and would not make that promise to me. This has been a BIG deal for me as I have fertility issues. In April 2009 we decided to take the next step in dealing with the fertility, so I'm really confused, upset, etc about this.

So I've joined this forum in hopes of getting some insight from both Mono and Poly people. I've thought a LOT about this and if we can work things out between us I'm willing to give Poly a try. I told my husband that I would like to have a BF and he says that he thinks I'm trying to make myself Poly. Which couldn't be further from the truth!

Well that's all from me (for now)!
"M"

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

I told my husband that I would like to have a BF and he says that he thinks I'm trying to make myself Poly. Which couldn't be further from the truth!

Well that's all from me (for now)!
"M"

I'll be interested to see how he reacts if you pursue your own relationships. This would be particularly interesting because it is generally much easier for women to find partners then men. Poly doesn't have to be a two way street, but the option should always be there. Otherwise, it's all about him and his needs. Keep us posted!

Welcome to the forums!!
Mono

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

He seemed surprised by my reaction and said "I thought you were going to take it better than this."

"M"

I'm always amazed when someone is surprised by a partners reaction to this...this is fucking HUGE!!

[Tech]

Welcome MRC from a fellow New Yorker.

Sounds like you two have a bit of a chore ahead sorting things out. I don't hear any mention of a 3rd yet. Is he anticipating desiring someone and just being proactive by declaring his poly-ness? Or is there a 3rd you haven't yet spoken of yet. Regardless...you will get some very good advice and feedback on these forums.

My wife is the poly one of our relationship and I can relate to some of the issues you have stated. Making (and following) rules is important for BOTH of you. This is a two-way street, and he needs to listen to your needs as much as you need to listen to him.

- Pregnancy
I see this as a big red flag. Bringing anyone into the world is a huge deal. You two really need to be on-board any decisions in this matter. He needs to take your concerns much more seriously than he seems to. Especially since a child would bind whomever you meet permanently to your lives, and so early in your poly-adventure...seems dangerous to me.

- Your desire/needs for companionship
As the "mono" one in my relationship (my wife has a BF), I also find there to be a desire for someone else in my life. Does this make me poly? I don't think so, but I don't know. We've even discussed this. I feel that I wouldn't see another person in my life even remotely the same as I see my wife. But at this time she would have an issue with that. Regardless of my own personal dilemma, I wanted you to know that from my perspective (which I see similar to yours) I know where you are coming from.

Bottom line (and you will hear this often), keep communicating. Don't let a few failed discussions get you down. To make any "normal" relationship work takes alot of effort, yet to bring the poly experience into a relationship requires a strong base and much communication.

I wish you well.
Tech

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

He seemed surprised by my reaction and said "I thought you were going to take it better than this."

I told my husband that I would like to have a BF and he says that he thinks I'm trying to make myself Poly. Which couldn't be further from the truth!

So what does he want? What do YOU want?

The stuff I quoted is contradictory.

Are you saying he gets to see other women, possibly procreate with them, but you must see only him and if you don't like his terms, tough on you?

Or are you "allowed" to have a girlfriend?

Sounds like typical sexist shit to me. I wouldn't have a kid with this guy. Then again, I wouldn't have a kid with ANYbody, but that's me.

[MRC2009]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I'll be interested to see how he reacts if you pursue your own relationships. This would be particularly interesting because it is generally much easier for women to find partners then men. Poly doesn't have to be a two way street, but the option should always be there. Otherwise, it's all about him and his needs. Keep us posted!

Welcome to the forums!!
Mono

I've asked him if he was okay with the thought of me "dating" another man and he said that he was fine with it. He then went on to say that he would have to approve of the person and that there would be rules (and a VETO power). I laughed when you said that it is generally easier for women to find partners then men. My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).

What a nice thing to say to your wife. I bet that makes you feel really attractive.

[MonoVCPHG]

I have a huge issue with one partner declaring thier right to poly and having a drop of hesitance for thier partner to do the same. That's not poly, that's more like polygamy. I guess some people, male and female just want harems.

[WaywardDruid]

These things really raise some Red Flags for me:

1)

Recently (a few weeks ago) my husband (of 5 years) told me that he is Poly!
He kept telling me that this was going to be fun and that it would benefit both of us.

In the first place you just don't turn Poly overnight. In the second place it maybe fun 5% of the time but being Poly is hard, Damn hard.

2)

He said that there would be rules/guidelines that we would all have to agree on (and follow). Well I started thinking about it and I decided to jot down a couple of rules that I would want to have. When I told my husband about them he didn't agree with a most of them.

If you don't have the love and understanding to respect anothers boundaries and rules then I'm thinking you are not Poly - just shallow and looking to Have "Fun" at anothers expense.

These things just make me go Hmmmmm.

Just Me,
Tim

[Tech]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

I've asked him if he was okay with the thought of me "dating" another man and he said that he was fine with it. He then went on to say that he would have to approve of the person and that there would be rules (and a VETO power). I laughed when you said that it is generally easier for women to find partners then men. My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).

Forgive me. For some reason what you said here about your husband really pushed my buttons... This guy sounds like a JERK.

Again...sorry, I know that's not cool to do on Forums.
There must be good in this man for you to have married him and stay with him, but he needs to respect your needs more.