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  #1  
Old 08-04-2011, 02:21 AM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Default How can I be "less"?

Ok... I'm stuck.
I have gone back and forth , round and round. I could really use a different perspective on how to accomplish getting past a seemingly obvious impass in a relationship. I need help acceiving fluidity. *....in the dynamics of the relationship, not as in fluid bonding.... just to make sure we are all on the same page here. - said with tounge in cheek.-
I've posted before and several of you have been wonderfully compassionate and empathetic. Others "inspired" a deeper exploration of core beliefs that stripped me naked forcing me to decide how I want to live my life and how I want to love in my life. *I now believe there are choices of how one wants to love, yes choices, that is if one chooses to love at all. *It is an individuals choice as to what love is, be it unconditional or refined or something in between. The "sucess" of your love depends on the compatability of the individuals involved in relation to their ideals of love.
That's the irony, I truly believe this but I can't seem to apply it with my girlfriend.
The confusing part of all this is that I have the capacity of being *a 'friend and more'... My gf and I both have them active in our lives presently. *Be that as it may, agree or disagree here is my question:
Why can't I be "less" for my girl friend...?

*My 'question' started getting long.... So the following is more of the same with *relevant quotes from my girlfriend.*
My gf and I have incompatible ideals for what we want in a relationship. *Simple as that. She does not want what I do. I want much more involvement with her than she does. I know this, she knows this yet I can't manage to simply be an occasional lover. *She feels this way: "I can be SOME of your life and someone you can lean on &talk to...but not ALL of anything." Straightforward and honest.
*The issues have been identified, we have been compleetly honest, we have come a long way in communicating our wants, everything is known and understood. *I suppose you could say we have irreconcilable differences.
After almost two years of struggle I have to get past this for both our sakes. I know she can't give me what I want and she is too kind to tell me to f-off.
I have stopped kidding myself that she may change her feelings, but I can't seem to move on from mine. *I can't seem to downsize my feelings and simply enjoy what she can offer. There seems to be a spector like presence that is awkward to say the least. *She saying: "My lower back where I carry tension hurts as do my hand another tension area, over the past couple days when i thought about seeing you..." I don't want her to feel this way... IG
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  #2  
Old 08-04-2011, 02:35 AM
rosephase rosephase is offline
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I think your first step might be not to think of it as down grading the amount you love her, or loving her "less". What she is asking for is for the relationship to function differently. That is changing actions not intensity of love.

Loving someone completely and fully including the parts that mean your relationship is going to be shaped differently then you feel like you want. Right now I say "feel like you want" because it doesn't sound like you've been able to give what she is asking for a fair shot just yet and that might take time.

Remember it's okay to ask her for help. Make sure you are clear and detailed about what she is asking for. I understand that what she is asking for might seem like "love me less" but really it is about the actions that you are taking that make her feel smothered. So try to find out how she would like you to act and just give it s shot. See how it feels. See if somethings work at lessening your stress, see what makes it worse. Pay close attention to your feelings and keep her informed about how it is working for you.
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:09 AM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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"Loving someone completely and fully including the parts that mean your relationship is going to be shaped differently then you feel like you want. Right now I say "feel like you want" because it doesn't sound like you've been able to give what she is asking for a fair shot just yet and that might take time."

My girlfriend, M , is extreemely indipendent. She relishes time on her own, by herself doing her own thing most of the time. *When I asked her the following question: "Ideally, *how much time per week would you like to spend together?" her reply was three days/nights a week with texts/phone calls in between.
**Most guys I know would give their right arm for a part time relationship like that. *I imagine most polyfolk would like that too because it allows time for other loves. I have tried for about a year to adjust from my desire for a 'full' time relationship, ie. a Live in situation, to basicly finding other things to do alone when I would much rather be sharing experiences together. Im the kind of guy that truly enjoys the combined energy two "like minded" people share. *I know there are some folks both poly and mono that place autonomy in the highest regard. *Well, after soul searching this I have decided to hold my ground on my beliefs through experience that there is, FOR ME (not yelling, just emphasizing) a beautiful third energy created by establishing a soul based intimacy that has only happened in relationships where a significant portion of each day and nights are spent literally together. I fully understand this must be wanted by both partners but I have lived it and *for me and my partners at the time was the most wonderfully thing I have ever experienced. *It's not chemicals/NRE ,it's real, an everpresent sense of energy shared by two (possibly more I suppose) that only happens with time. *If 'confronted' about this "wonderful soul based shared energy, third entity state of being" that I know exists, I'll explain further.*
*I want to experience that feeling again on a full time basis. *I suppose it's not for everybody... M does not want it. * **
I understand she can't offer any more than she is, I just don't know how to "love fully" when she prefers to be elswhere or how to feel fulfilled with three days a week when any more than that makes her feel like she needs to get away...*
I'm not denouncing autonomy and indipendence if that's what works for the relationship, I want more involvement that's all. *M doesn't, I'm trying to find a way to be more fluid. * * * *
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:24 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Islandgy9,

You are quite clear on what you want - a relationship where you and the loved one (or more than one perhaps) would live together, spend most of your free time together, and develop mutual interests. This seems to be your preferred style of developing deep connection and intimacy.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting this style of relationship.

But you can't have this with M, your girlfriend. She is also very clear that she does not want this style of relationship. And, there is nothing wrong with that either. You and she are fundamentally incompatible, despite your mutual love and best efforts.

It's time to break up, move on, and let each other find others who fit better. I'm so sorry but this is a deal breaker. One should never make oneself 'less' for another person, even out of love.
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Old 08-04-2011, 03:02 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Your candor is appreciated Opalescent. Reality...
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:45 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Islandgy9,

It's time to break up, move on, and let each other find others who fit better. I'm so sorry but this is a deal breaker. One should never make oneself 'less' for another person, even out of love.
Or you can continue to date her as a part time relationship and look for someone to fill the need that you have of spending the majority of your time with someone. There really isn't a need to throw away a relationship that is working in other areas.
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:36 PM
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rubyslippers rubyslippers is offline
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IG...
this is a good expression of what is on your mind...
be that as it may, you have multiple caring relationships of varying degrees of intimacy and intensity both physical and emotional. Narrowing your focus to what is "traditionally" and generationally accepted in our American society...ie: marriage or a committed, monogamous relationship between a man and a woman...with the occasional dish on the side that no one talks about...is powerfully ingrained in the tail-end of the baby boom era we hail from.

You opened MY mind to sooo much and it has been a wondrous time to see that life and loves, like fireflies on a still summer night, are all around. Sometimes one firefly lights on a hand,and stays, another lands then flits away...

This forum, it feels like a home for people who think like me....and i always felt so out of place NOT following "the route" almost every woman of my age I know, has tried and succeeded at, or tried and failed at, multiple times.
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Old 08-04-2011, 07:45 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by islandgy9 View Post
When I asked her the following question: "Ideally, *how much time per week would you like to spend together?" her reply was three days/nights a week with texts/phone calls in between.
**Most guys I know would give their right arm for a part time relationship like that.
I'm not saying this because of being poly or mono or anything, but: How can seeing each other three times a week with calls and texts in between be even remotely considered "part-time?" That seems quite involved to me. It seems you want to be joined at the hip or something, and I can see how that would come across to her as being needy and smothering.

I think the important thing for you is to explore why you see frequency of a relationship as the thing that indicates satisfaction and fulfillment in it. I think you might want to find ways to enjoy your alone time. It's not always necessary to be in someone's presence physically to feel a meaningful connection to them or that you share an energy.



Also, could you please refrain from using all those asterisks (*) and just make sure you break up your paragraphs? Your posts are difficult to read.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-04-2011 at 07:48 PM.
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  #9  
Old 08-04-2011, 10:36 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Also, could you please refrain from using all those asterisks (*) and just make sure you break up your paragraphs? Your posts are difficult to read.

Seems the asterisks appear when I coppy a draft from 'notes' in my iPhone and paste it here... I have been 'timed out' in the past and have lost drafts when Ive written long replies. Also... Spellcheck option does not seem to work with my iPhone either.... obviously...
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Old 08-04-2011, 10:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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When you login, if you select "Remember Me" it keeps you logged in. Do that and you won't get timed out.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-04-2011 at 10:41 PM.
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