The Initial Conversation

[SoCalExile]

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ on a Popsicle stick- this thread hits incredibly close to home. I'm on the verge of dropping the polybomb myself and 95% of where you're coming from matches mine. We seem to think alike. Were we separated at birth? Even your wife's reactions largely match how I expect mine is going to react.

I should probably start my own thread; I've been toying with the idea for weeks.

But anyway. I just wanted to pop in here, MT, and just give you a general nod of agreement and a thumbs up for having the courage to do what you're doing. I wish I could offer the Voice of Experience, but the veterans seems to have that sewn up pretty tightly already.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MorningTwilight

I'm still living in fear, it seems, of meeting someone and connecting, as I'm going to get heartbroken (again) when i cannot follow through. Perhaps I am reading more into the situation than actually exists, but I feel like I would be sneaking around if I went out, even if looking merely for social interaction and a little flirting.

Come on now, you can trust yourself to exercise restraint. You seem to be saying that the mere sight of someone attractive will make you fall instantly in love with them and your penis will jump out of your pants. You're not at the mercy of your lusts and desires, man.

I think this kind of thinking may be coming out of your wishing things would move more quickly and perhaps feeling a little sorry for yourself. I think you can go out and enjoy attractions to people, see who you're drawn to, and even flirt a little without worrying. No one's gonna break your heart by fluttering their eyelids at you.

If I were you, I'd focus on the positive - the fact that your wife has begun to allow talking about it, despite her fears, and acknowledged that you have attractions. This may not seem enough for you, but it's HUGE for her. Look around you and enjoy other things beside people, too - the sunshine, your surroundings, the good things in your life. Never hurts to count our blessings.

[SoCalExile]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think this kind of thinking may be coming out of your wishing things would move more quickly and perhaps feeling a little sorry for yourself.

If MT is as much like myself as I think he is, this may be spot on.

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think you can go out and enjoy attractions to people, see who you're drawn to, and even flirt a little without worrying. No one's gonna break your heart by fluttering their eyelids at you.

This is true, but if your assumption is correct, he may feel like that's just tormenting himself for no purpose.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SoCalExile

. . . he may feel like that's just tormenting himself for no purpose.

Well, he doesn't have to go out, either. But if he does, why would it be a torment? He has more freedom than he had before, life is good, he is healthy, he can smile at people and they will smile back. And if he stays home, I don't think it's very beneficial for him to do so out of fear that he can't handle the outside world. His post was a sort of lament, with a self-punishing kind of flavor to it, and I think that is a very counterproductive stance to take -- especially when the movement is going in a forward direction, albeit at a very slow pace. MT, I was just encouraging you to try and see the good and not give in to this "poor me" feeling. And it's okay to feel the loneliness. Usually seeing people is a great cure for that!

[SoCalExile]

Oh, I agree, but I'm not sure that heading out specifically with flirting in mind is going to produce any short-term happiness. I was just posting from inside where I think his head is likely to be. MT, nycindie is largely right- locking yourself away from the world because your head is swimming with OMG I WISH I COULD BE POLY RIGHT NOW isn't a healthy response. I've been there.

(MT, if I'm off-base with my assumptions of what's going on in your noggin, I have no problem with being told I'm full of crap, so feel free to shut me up.)

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SoCalExile

Oh, I agree, but I'm not sure that heading out specifically with flirting in mind is going to produce any short-term happiness.

I wasn't telling him to go out solely for the purpose of flirting -- how the hell do you get that from what I wrote? I said that he could go out and enjoy himself and the people he encounters, and to trust that if flirting happens, he can handle it. Sheesh! How does telling someone to focus on the positive get so... misconstrued? Lordy, my message has now been picked apart and watered down.

[SoCalExile]

Sorry, I misinterpreted some of what you wrote as maybe setting out so that he could prove to himself he can handle it. You're right, you didn't say that.

Nothing to see here folks, just an unconscious attempt at hijacking a thread, apparently... carry on.

[MorningTwilight]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Come on now, you can trust yourself to exercise restraint. You seem to be saying that the mere sight of someone attractive will make you fall instantly in love with them and your penis will jump out of your pants. You're not at the mercy of your lusts and desires, man.

You haven't met my penis.

It's only partly the fear of a love-at-first-sight situation that keeps me in. It's also the worry that my wife would misconstrue me going out while she's away as me "looking for some." Perhaps I think she's more insecure than she is, but I did not want her to have anything to worry about (or fuel her imagination) while she's away, so I've pretty much forced myself to sit in the corner until she comes back.

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think this kind of thinking may be coming out of your wishing things would move more quickly and perhaps feeling a little sorry for yourself. I think you can go out and enjoy attractions to people, see who you're drawn to, and even flirt a little without worrying. No one's gonna break your heart by fluttering their eyelids at you.

Let's try a different metaphor. I'm working on taking off a few pounds. I don't go out to a place that's renowned for its desserts, eyeball the dessert cart, hang around for awhile, and then leave. More simply, I just don't go. Why torment myself with what I cannot have?

Originally Posted by nycindie

If I were you, I'd focus on the positive - the fact that your wife has begun to allow talking about it, despite her fears, and acknowledged that you have attractions. This may not seem enough for you, but it's HUGE for her.

Yes, I know. I keep remembering that last conversation, trying to wring out a little more patience from it. It's so easy, meanwhile, to talk myself into anger, resentment, and depression, and to want to pack up her stuff so she can be ready to leave me, so that I can get on with my life. No, I don't really want that, either--it just seems to me, right now, like I get a shit sandwich either way: bottle up my feelings and live with the heartbreak to keep her, or "live poly" and lose both her and my son.

Yeah, I can see how you'd say I'm feeling sorry for myself. I need some sleep.

You suggested that I have more freedom than I had before. I don't know that that is true. Yes, she's acknowledged that I have other attractions, but we have not discussed me going out to meet people, either with her or without her. It doesn't help that she has to be cajoled into going places where she doesn't know anyone. Almost invariably, she has a good time, but she does not seem to want to remember that, and she resists.

The Austin poly group has twice-monthly dinners. I'd like to get her out to one, but I'm honestly afraid to ask.

[MorningTwilight]

Just to be clear, I'm not rebuffing your advice or suggestions, nycindie. I'm just trying to get out what's in my head.

At some point (soon, I hope), getting out, meeting people, getting flirty, and coming home is definitely worth doing. I just want to make sure my wife is on board with it, as it seems that the beginnings of poly/mono relationships that had been closed is a fragile time.

And maybe I'll need to wear a cup, to keep that penis under control.

Originally Posted by SoCalExile

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ on a Popsicle stick- this thread hits incredibly close to home. I'm on the verge of dropping the polybomb myself and 95% of where you're coming from matches mine. We seem to think alike. Were we separated at birth? Even your wife's reactions largely match how I expect mine is going to react.

I should probably start my own thread; I've been toying with the idea for weeks.

But anyway. I just wanted to pop in here, MT, and just give you a general nod of agreement and a thumbs up for having the courage to do what you're doing. I wish I could offer the Voice of Experience, but the veterans seems to have that sewn up pretty tightly already.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Thanks. Gird yourself regarding "dropping the polybomb." You've already read my experiences. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, and in the beginning, I felt more pain and fear than I imagined I would. Rehearse what you're going to say. Practice ways of trying to say very, very clearly what you intend to convey. If, as you imagine yourself listening to your words, any of it can be misconstrued, try again. There WILL be misunderstandings. You'll say X, and your partner will hear Y. That's just how it is. You'll repeat parts of the conversation over and over. You'll both shed tears. It'll be hot and cold for awhile.

Or maybe she'll surprise you and will have been thinking the same thing. I wouldn't count on it, though.

[MorningTwilight]

"Love's still there
It's just hiding in the dark
'Cause it's scared

Hang on to those feelings
That you know are true
And remember that this person
Means everything to you."

Thank you, Margo Timmons. This gives me some more patience.