Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Well, he's coming home soon - correct? Will he be extricating himself from the relationship or do you think they will continue long-distance after he returns? If it's something that he should get out of, maybe he can start now.

He's taking it one day at a time. There's no plan for the future... there can't be. It will be a however it goes type of thing.

Regardless of how it works with her, what has gone on between us since he started seeing her has affected our relationship and made me aware that I was trying to make us into something we're not.

I want to be open and honest and real and talk and be able to lean on him when I need it for empathy and for comfort and hugs.

I can do about half of that. And I have to learn to accept that's what he has to offer and be happy with that. And get any other needs met elsewhere, through friends, or counselors or other SOs.

That's the part I really need to work on.

[nycindie]

I didn't mean to sound like I was giving advice or minimizing your concerns. I simply agree that, short of going over there and bringing him home by the scruff of his neck, there is only so much control you have. I think I've told you I am a worrier as well (always was but intensified after 9/11). I just meant that I think letting go of the activity of worrying and counting your blessings might bring you some peace. But I never meant to imply that you shouldn't be concerned. Sorry if it came out that way. I'll stop posting to your blog now and give you space!

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I didn't mean to sound like I was giving advice or minimizing your concerns. I simply agree that, short of going over there and bringing him home by the scruff of his neck, there is only so much control you have. I think I've told you I am a worrier as well (always was but intensified after 9/11). I just meant that I think letting go of the activity of worrying and counting your blessings might bring you some peace. But I never meant to imply that you shouldn't be concerned. Sorry if it came out that way. I'll stop posting to your blog now and give you space!

Sorry nycindie... I warned you ... mood.

You are correct in that worrying won't help. And the problem is, I have been letting go of worrying... and ignoring the issue, and being with myself, going to yoga, blah blah blah blah. That works for a while, until it stops working because the worry is still there, just buried under some yoga mats and a bottle of cheap white wine.

I am going to the counselor today so hopefully she can help me out of this and into figuring out what to make of my wierd-ass marraige.

In all honestly... this whole thing is not really a poly issue. It's an issue with our relationship by itself, which has never really gotten the attention and love it deserved because there was always too much crap going on that had to be dealt with. Maybe it was all good... it needed to happen to shine the light on this stuff... if we can get better because of it, or figure ourselves out enough to know what we can and can't be to each other.. then maybe it was all worth it.

Or we won't.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

Maybe it was all good... it needed to happen to shine the light on this stuff... if we can get better because of it, or figure ourselves out enough to know what we can and can't be to each other.. then maybe it was all worth it.

This is what happened to us. Had to hit bottom before we were ready to deal with 20 years of other shit. After nearly a year of struggling, we are in a better much place than we have ever been.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

This is what happened to us. Had to hit bottom before we were ready to deal with 20 years of other shit. After nearly a year of struggling, we are in a better much place than we have ever been.

I do have hopes. When we were talking last night Hubs asked me "why does it always come down to you feeling like you need to fix it? " because I did what I always did and asked him what could I do to make things work better. The real problem here is... I feel that way because I feel like if I don't step up to do something, nobody else will. Part of that is life experience... but part of it is a deep-seeded feeling that I'm not worth the effort for somebody.

And the wierd part is it's not that *I* feel I'm not worth it... I just don't feel like anybody else will see that I am and actually put forth actual effort for me.

That's part of what I took away from last night. That I need to stop trying to fix everything. (Oh, yeah, my counselor told me that about two months ago...) It's time to let other people do some work, or not. But it's not always up to me to make things work. That's going to be a hard one to let go of, but I have to.

[Minxxa]

And for the conclusion of my blithering for the day... :-/

Here's a connection I just made. I have been spending a lot of time in the past couple of months working on ME. Doing my yoga, doing school, getting out to see friends, doing some self-work reading... etc. That has all been good stuff. Where I always end up getting whacked out again is ME in relation to my husband. US.

After last night I have really realized that while doing work on me alone is great, it does NOTHING for our relationship as a couple because when we get together we work the same way we always do and therefore are having the same issues we always do. So right now... alone, I'm fine. When with him, it goes awry.

The work I need to do now is still my own... but I need to figure out what I NEED from my relationship, and look at what's actually possible to get from my relationship with hubs. I have to be honest about who I am and who he is and what we are capable of being to each other. THAT is the work that I needed to be doing. Instead of focusing on what we "could be", or how things "could look" and trying to "work towards that", I need to just focus on who we are now and what we are to each other now.

I think perhaps if I can remove some of the assumptions I have of what relationships need to be, and look honestly at who my husband is and what I get from him that would be very helpful. I think I have been asking way too much of him, and in a way have been trying to get him to be someone he's not. I've also been asking too much of myself... and giving far too much of myself (unasked for, by the way).

I think if I can learn to see him as he is and appreciate that with no other expectations, and learn how to give of myself a little less completely so I still have me left at the end... maybe we can get to a good place.

[rory]

*hugs*

Originally Posted by Minxxa

I think perhaps if I can remove some of the assumptions I have of what relationships need to be, and look honestly at who my husband is and what I get from him that would be very helpful. I think I have been asking way too much of him, and in a way have been trying to get him to be someone he's not. I've also been asking too much of myself... and giving far too much of myself (unasked for, by the way).

Your conclusion sounds healthy. It really sucks that sometimes it takes really long to accept that you really can't change another person. (Oh, how long I've thought regarding an issue "if only he wouldn't do things like that and everything would be perfect".) But it's really important to first accept who he is and what he does. By accepting I don't mean that one has to be OK with everything, just that one has to stop denying the issue/conflict. And then, I find it equally important to honestly look at the situation and see if it's something I can live with or not. And if not, what is it that follows: will I wait for a set period of time and hope for change or try to work on a solution or will I have to terminate the relationship. I guess this is what they call making your boundaries...

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by rory

*hugs*

Your conclusion sounds healthy. It really sucks that sometimes it takes really long to accept that you really can't change another person. (Oh, how long I've thought regarding an issue "if only he wouldn't do things like that and everything would be perfect".) But it's really important to first accept who he is and what he does. By accepting I don't mean that one has to be OK with everything, just that one has to stop denying the issue/conflict. And then, I find it equally important to honestly look at the situation and see if it's something I can live with or not. And if not, what is it that follows: will I wait for a set period of time and hope for change or try to work on a solution or will I have to terminate the relationship. I guess this is what they call making your boundaries...

I think it's taken so long because I'm only just finding out recently that some things I thought WERE changing, weren't really. I thought there was progress being made, and I'm finding out it wasn't real. I think he wanted to change things as much as I did but instead of finding real inner change, he would change behaviors until it got to be too much (because it wasn't coming from deep inside), and then it would stop. I'm just seeing that now.

I'm going to sit down this weekend and write up the things that are good that we give each other, so I can focus on those. I'll share those with hubs. And I"m also going to write up the things that I need from people in my life (not all people, just need from someone or another), and I'm going to figure out how to get that met.

You're right in that it is setting boundaries. I don't know if there's anything I just can't live with yet. That will come with time. I do know that something in me has finally given-- and I'm not afraid of losing the relationship anymore. It would make me sad, I don't want to, but I'm not living in fear of it. And I'm realizing that keeping this relationship is as much up to him as it is me...

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by nycindie

The problem with that is, often you don't know how much drama or toxicity a relationship will have until you're smack-dab in the thick of it. You can ask a partner to avoid drama and unhealthy relationships, but that can't prevent them from happening.

Yep, and once in knee-deep, with feelings involved, you can try to communicate with your partner the things that make you feel upset, what worries you, what you feel needs to change etc., but chances are that by then, they are so blinded by NRE that they don't really see it the way you do or don't want to make the changes necessary. In the end, the only relationships you can control are the ones you are actually involved in, and even there, it's more often than not the control over whether or not you choose to be involved in the relationship.

Originally Posted by Minxxa

And the wierd part is it's not that *I* feel I'm not worth it... I just don't feel like anybody else will see that I am and actually put forth actual effort for me.

I had the exact same problem with therapy. I thought I was a good, decent person, but didn't believe anyone else would see it that way .

Originally Posted by Minxxa

The work I need to do now is still my own... but I need to figure out what I NEED from my relationship, and look at what's actually possible to get from my relationship with hubs. I have to be honest about who I am and who he is and what we are capable of being to each other. THAT is the work that I needed to be doing. Instead of focusing on what we "could be", or how things "could look" and trying to "work towards that", I need to just focus on who we are now and what we are to each other now.

I think this is so important and an invaluable insight. Instead of trying to force our relationships to a particular mould; "primary/secondary/tertiary", "partners/lovers/FWBs", "husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend", "triad/vee/tangle", we should just learn to accept that each relationship is different and unique. I struggle with this occasionally.

Like Vanilla said to me, I would likewise be really sad if ever it came a time when another person might mean more to her than I, but if it came to be, then it would be a new situation we would accept and try to work out new boundaries and a new paradigm for our relationship instead of panicking and severing contact either way.

Often we put down on this forum a lot of things to NRE, which is responsible for a huge deal, of course. But what if sometimes, a new relationship indeed becomes a more meaningful one (not implying that this is your case, Minxxa!)? Or equally important than any previous connections?

Originally Posted by Minxxa

-- and I'm not afraid of losing the relationship anymore. It would make me sad, I don't want to, but I'm not living in fear of it.

It's a huge difference between not wanting for something to end and not being able to cope if it does.

Power hugs!

[Minxxa]

NRE is an interesting thing to watch from the outside. For a while it was really frustrating me, but I did realize there's not a thing I can say or do about it, so why keep worrying about it?

I have been thinking about the whole feeling/labeling/prioritizing/status of relationships a lot. I'm not really sure where I am with it yet. I do think each relationship is very different, and needs to be seen individually. And I do see how relationships change as time goes by. I guess I just need to keep that in the back of my mind.

Part of rethinking the relationship between myself and hubs is to realize and remember who he is. I've always accepted him for all of his qualities, but I just forgot about some of them for a while, LOL. He's got ADHD, so there's a whole set of behaviors that come with that, that are a part of who he is, especially within relationships. Being impulsive, jumping full force into situations without considering consequences and being completely focused on one thing and not seeing, hearing, paying attention to anything else-- these are the things that are so powerful when you're on the receiving end... and a little painful when you're no longer benefitting from that focus, but on the outside.

I do know that we love each other, though. And we have a lot of fun in life together... even in the day to day stuff. Maybe that's enough for us...