How do you know you're poly?

[cuddinrick]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

... because monogamy is the norm, and poly people do tend to question themselves and think there is something wrong with them,...

amnesiac

This is exactly the way I thought. Way back long ago I knew that I could love more than one lady, but the accepted theory said that it was impossible. If I REALLY loved someone then they would be enough and bells would ring and the universe would disappear and all that would exist for me would be that one woman, etc., etc. (that's probably over stating the theory a bit, but what the hell). I could see that it wasn't true, I could feel that it wasn't true, but I denied having those feelings because it just didn't fit with what I was taught. I had heard it said many times that the longer and harder I worked on the relationship the deeper the love would grow and the less I would want to be with other ladies...In other words I WOULD GROW UP! Never happened...after thirty years of being married to my wonderful wife I still love other ladies.

That's how I know that I could be poly. BUT! That's just me.

[nycindie]

I really like this blog article from the Polyamorous Misanthrope:

“How Can I Tell if I’m Polyamorous?” is the Wrong Question
Posted on November 5, 2010 by Goddess of Java

I ran across a post not too long ago asking how one could know if one were polyamorous or not. I break a bit with a lot of the poly community who see being polyamorous as something of a genetic condition rather than a personal taste. I see where they’re coming from and all, but I’m not sure it’s as ingrained as all that. I think it’s a spectrum. There are polyamorous people who cruise happily along with a single partner much of the time. There are polyamorous people who aren’t dating anyone at the moment. There are polyamorous people who are miserably unhappy unless they date lots of people most of the time. There’s a wide range out there. I’d say that if you’re open to the idea of more than one sexual/romantic relationship, you’re all good with self-identifying as poly, if that takes your fancy.

Other than enjoying one’s relationships, I’m not sure that there really is some acid test that’ll tell for sure whether or not one is poly. I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, “Am I polyamorous?” is “Are my relationships working?” Being polyamorous is not a Get Out of the Human Race Free card. Sometimes you make mistakes in relationships, even when you’re poly.

There are some basic things you can look for when you’re thinking about

• You’re Happy

  I want to separate “happy” from “things being perfect”. Life is never perfect. But if you’re enjoying your relationships some majority of the time, that counts. You love your partner(s), enjoy spending time with them, and are fine with dealing with life as it comes to you.

• Your Partners are Happy

  If you’ve got a partner up in the bedroom crying most of the time about something, Things Aren’t Working. Either there’s a depression issue that needs to be dealt with, or your relationship(s) aren’t working – or both. That happens, too.
  
  But when things are working, your partner(s) are going to be happy with you.

• You’re Focusing on Living and Relationships Rather Than Polyamory as a Concept

  Unless you’ve made a vocation out of Thinking About Polyamory[1], there’s a lot of stuff you won’t notice. If your husband’s girlfriend has a flat tire and you go help, then get on happily with your day, glad she’s not stranded by the side of the road, yep, that’s a good sign things are going well. If you’re checking in on everyone’s schedule, not because you’re grinding your teeth about the complexity, but are just making plans, yeah, that’s another good sign. If you’re in the mindset of “I don’t have a lifestyle, I have a life” then it’s probably a good sign that your relationships are working out for you.

I really do think that at the end of the day, it’s not about “Am I Polyamorous?” It’s about having the relationship or relationships that work for you and make you happy. You ensure this by choosing partnerships where you’re good for each other, and is less about relationship form. It’s the people involved that count.

But that’s awesome, because relationships are about people, not theory, right?

[1] And even those of us who do have a tendency just to live our lives and forget about that after awhile, ya know.

-------
http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...ong-question/"

[MorningTwilight]

I know I'm polyamorous because even though i have tried very hard not to (out of a sense of loyalty to my wife, not knowing at the time that there was an ethical alternative to cheating, and I did not want to be a cheater), I keep falling for other women, and even though I have kept those feelings bottled up and have not acted on them, they do not simply go away.

I know I am polyamorous because I have grown bitter and resentful at the con job that is monogamous marriage, and all of the cultural fairytale bullshit that goes along with it.

I know I am polyamorous because my heart breaks at not following through on my feelings, and because I feel a sense of loss over what might have been.

I think that, if you are in a steady relationship with someone, and believe you are in love, and yet you find yourself developing strong feelings for others, while still being in love with your SO, then you might be polyamorous.

This is a different thing from "fear of commitment."

[nicothoe]

I was in a monogamous relationship for seven years, and I'll admit, was quite happy and content. I did not feel this overwhelming urge to date more women, nor did I feel trapped in my marriage. Granted my wife is not the jealous sort. If she ever caught me staring at or admiring other women, her response was more along the lines of "she's cute" or "yeah, I'd do her." We had talked about an open marriage early on in our relationship, and while it had its appeal, that's all we ever did. Talk.

Have I always known I was polyamorous? I guess the answer to that is no.

However, I have never wanted to be single, that much I do know! I longed to have someone to love and share my life with. Whether that is one person or three, isn't really the point. Adding extra lovers doesn't make make me any happier than I already am, but they do have positive impact on my life.

[Hardison]

Originally Posted by MorningTwilight

I know I'm polyamorous because even though i have tried very hard not to (out of a sense of loyalty to my wife, ...), I keep falling for other women, and even though I have kept those feelings bottled up and have not acted on them, they do not simply go away.

sounds too familiar. Though for me it's not women, just one woman.
...but I am the sort that aways prefers to have a small number of very close friends rather than lots of friends that I only share one interest with.

I think that, if you are in a steady relationship with someone, and believe you are in love, and yet you find yourself developing strong feelings for others, while still being in love with your SO, then you might be polyamorous.

This is a different thing from "fear of commitment."

So true. Fear of commitment is fear of truly sharing everything with another.
I think that is very different from poly.

[rrrrr]

Thank you for this post.

[lovefromgirl]

FWIW, what sealed "being poly" for me wasn't my wanting to have other partners.

It was the total disconnect between the norm (a couple is inviolable) and what made sense to me (...but I would totally not get in the way! Just be extra! And cute! You could both love me if you wanted!).

That's not to say monogamy ever worked well for me as a lovestyle, or that I knew how to choose well. But I couldn't have figured this out if I hadn't also known that I'd be fine sharing a lover, not just being shared.

[River]

Originally Posted by amnesiac

... as soon as I start reaching the point where I have to start to commit to something, I get this feeling that I'm "locked in" and just feel anxious and suffocated and have this really insistent worry about making the wrong decision...

First, let me say I haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to respond to this anyway.

Second, you're going to have to do some "inner work" with this, if you want to be free of it. You could do this inner work with a counselor or therapist or on your own, but don't avoid it.

I recommend mindfulness meditation practice as a very significant support for any "inner work" practice or therapy. Especially Buddhist-style mindfulness on the body and breath.

[BlackMagicBlonde]

nycindie - love the blog article you posted. thanks for that!

i second most of MorningTwilight's and lovefromgirl's feelings.
PLUS, my temperament and my work/passion as an artist leads me to want to spend as much time by myself as i do with a partner, lover, or friend. WITHOUT the presence of someone emotionally close to me - whether alone in my backyard or by myself at a table in a cafe/pub - thinking my own thoughts, letting ideas and inspiration come as they will, and just generally not having nothing drawing my attention elsewhere.

for me, commitment means being there for someone when they really need you.

my best friend/partner and my small network of close friends KNOW that if they're stuck on the side of the road, i'll drop whatever i'm doing and go help them with whatever needs to be done. bail them out of jail. they can sleep with their head on my lap all night or for two weeks straight if someone breaks their hearts and that's what they really need. and i know the same is true of them. to me, this is commitment.

also - it means you and your people giving each other the freedom to be who they truly are. no need to fake, no fear of judgment or condemnation.

friends, partners, lovers, kin...no difference to me where commitment is concerned.

[KitWalker]

To answer the original question, I don't know.

I wound up in this situation I am in, which is married and dating a girl together with my wife, quite accidentally. I wasn't sure what to make of it, and in the process of looking for answers it seemed like the poly shoe was the one that fit. All I did was go with the flow and do what seemed right.