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  #131  
Old 05-26-2011, 06:11 AM
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wow nycindie... that is quite a list. Thanks for taking that on as I was about to!

I get the guilt. Especially as my boyfriend is mono/Mono... I feel it, allow it to be and then move on as it isn't healthy or valid and unhelpful. I am what I am and if that isn't acceptable at some point then it will become clear that we are not good for one another in terms of our own happiness and over all health.
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  #132  
Old 05-26-2011, 04:35 PM
CautiousLoops CautiousLoops is offline
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Thanks for all the responses. It has just been a difficult thing to wrap my head around. Finding out that this is what I want and perhaps what I am meant to be doing has been a very freeing experience, but the fear of losing what I love so much gets me to want to put the brakes on it. Life isnt fair in that aspect, but I truly believe we should do what we are comfortable with and happy with in this life, even if that means changing everything we know to make ourselves happy.


It is going to be a work in progress. My partner mentioned last night that there is a girl he is somewhat interested in. My heart was so happy for him when he said this! Finally, he is opening up and understanding that loving more than one person, or at least caring for more than one person, is entirely possible. I am not trying to push him to see what develops but I am very excited at this prospect. He says his biggest worry is that I say I am OK with this now but once he is pursuing something I will say I am not OK with it and he will "get into trouble". Communication is key here, and I am adamant about keeping the door open to talking always about what we are feeling or thinking.


I love this board. i appreciate all the advice and insight from those of you who are going through it and have been there. It really helps. Thank you.
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  #133  
Old 07-31-2011, 03:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I really like this blog article from the Polyamorous Misanthrope:

“How Can I Tell if I’m Polyamorous?” is the Wrong Question
Posted on November 5, 2010 by Goddess of Java

I ran across a post not too long ago asking how one could know if one were polyamorous or not. I break a bit with a lot of the poly community who see being polyamorous as something of a genetic condition rather than a personal taste. I see where they’re coming from and all, but I’m not sure it’s as ingrained as all that. I think it’s a spectrum. There are polyamorous people who cruise happily along with a single partner much of the time. There are polyamorous people who aren’t dating anyone at the moment. There are polyamorous people who are miserably unhappy unless they date lots of people most of the time. There’s a wide range out there. I’d say that if you’re open to the idea of more than one sexual/romantic relationship, you’re all good with self-identifying as poly, if that takes your fancy.

Other than enjoying one’s relationships, I’m not sure that there really is some acid test that’ll tell for sure whether or not one is poly. I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, “Am I polyamorous?” is “Are my relationships working?” Being polyamorous is not a Get Out of the Human Race Free card. Sometimes you make mistakes in relationships, even when you’re poly.

There are some basic things you can look for when you’re thinking about
  • You’re Happy
    I want to separate “happy” from “things being perfect”. Life is never perfect. But if you’re enjoying your relationships some majority of the time, that counts. You love your partner(s), enjoy spending time with them, and are fine with dealing with life as it comes to you.
  • Your Partners are Happy
    If you’ve got a partner up in the bedroom crying most of the time about something, Things Aren’t Working. Either there’s a depression issue that needs to be dealt with, or your relationship(s) aren’t working – or both. That happens, too.

    But when things are working, your partner(s) are going to be happy with you.
  • You’re Focusing on Living and Relationships Rather Than Polyamory as a Concept
    Unless you’ve made a vocation out of Thinking About Polyamory[1], there’s a lot of stuff you won’t notice. If your husband’s girlfriend has a flat tire and you go help, then get on happily with your day, glad she’s not stranded by the side of the road, yep, that’s a good sign things are going well. If you’re checking in on everyone’s schedule, not because you’re grinding your teeth about the complexity, but are just making plans, yeah, that’s another good sign. If you’re in the mindset of “I don’t have a lifestyle, I have a life” then it’s probably a good sign that your relationships are working out for you.
I really do think that at the end of the day, it’s not about “Am I Polyamorous?” It’s about having the relationship or relationships that work for you and make you happy. You ensure this by choosing partnerships where you’re good for each other, and is less about relationship form. It’s the people involved that count.

But that’s awesome, because relationships are about people, not theory, right?

[1] And even those of us who do have a tendency just to live our lives and forget about that after awhile, ya know.

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http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...ong-question/"
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-31-2011 at 03:36 AM.
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  #134  
Old 08-03-2011, 07:28 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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I know I'm polyamorous because even though i have tried very hard not to (out of a sense of loyalty to my wife, not knowing at the time that there was an ethical alternative to cheating, and I did not want to be a cheater), I keep falling for other women, and even though I have kept those feelings bottled up and have not acted on them, they do not simply go away.

I know I am polyamorous because I have grown bitter and resentful at the con job that is monogamous marriage, and all of the cultural fairytale bullshit that goes along with it.

I know I am polyamorous because my heart breaks at not following through on my feelings, and because I feel a sense of loss over what might have been.

I think that, if you are in a steady relationship with someone, and believe you are in love, and yet you find yourself developing strong feelings for others, while still being in love with your SO, then you might be polyamorous.

This is a different thing from "fear of commitment."
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  #135  
Old 08-03-2011, 04:24 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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I was in a monogamous relationship for seven years, and I'll admit, was quite happy and content. I did not feel this overwhelming urge to date more women, nor did I feel trapped in my marriage. Granted my wife is not the jealous sort. If she ever caught me staring at or admiring other women, her response was more along the lines of "she's cute" or "yeah, I'd do her." We had talked about an open marriage early on in our relationship, and while it had its appeal, that's all we ever did. Talk.

Have I always known I was polyamorous? I guess the answer to that is no.

However, I have never wanted to be single, that much I do know! I longed to have someone to love and share my life with. Whether that is one person or three, isn't really the point. Adding extra lovers doesn't make make me any happier than I already am, but they do have positive impact on my life.
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  #136  
Old 08-04-2011, 05:37 AM
Hardison Hardison is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
I know I'm polyamorous because even though i have tried very hard not to (out of a sense of loyalty to my wife, ...), I keep falling for other women, and even though I have kept those feelings bottled up and have not acted on them, they do not simply go away.
sounds too familiar. Though for me it's not women, just one woman.
...but I am the sort that aways prefers to have a small number of very close friends rather than lots of friends that I only share one interest with.


Quote:
I think that, if you are in a steady relationship with someone, and believe you are in love, and yet you find yourself developing strong feelings for others, while still being in love with your SO, then you might be polyamorous.

This is a different thing from "fear of commitment."
So true. Fear of commitment is fear of truly sharing everything with another.
I think that is very different from poly.
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  #137  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:22 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Default How and when did you know?

I think I'm still working this out for myself. I posted last fall, wondering about how to convince my girlfriend or if I even should. I didn't know then. I'm mostly sure now.

I seem to be using shorter sentences than usual tonight, for some reason.

Aside from reading the first chapter or two of Polyamory in the 21st Century I was mostly confused. I had always wanted to be with one woman. One of my friends had an open relationship. I found that out when she brought me home one night, and offered to sleep with me. Maybe not in that order. She actually chickened out the moment she saw her marital bed, but I wasn't comfortable with the idea anyway. A couple months later I was on a date with a mutual friend, and she asked me if I'd ever consider it. I told her I didn't know, but I really thought never.

But I think a lot of that boiled down to not having much self-respect. I figured it would be unfair, that the woman would just get all the action while I stayed home. Now... I feel like I'd get plenty, maybe more than I'd even really want. Wanting that one monogamous relationship... well, I just thought that's how you could get sex. Nothing else seemed realistic to me.

But I was facing the issue with my girlfriend, who I love. When she asked me once, I told her that yes I do think you can love multiple people.

I kept trying to talk myself out of it, so I wouldn't have to lose my girlfriend. I knew she was upset that I was even thinking about other women. No one specific, mind you. Just, in general terms I wanted to experience more women. Watching Mad Men, in particular, made me really love the idea of having a wife I'd build my life with and a girlfriend to act as contrast. A secondary, I guess, who could show me other parts of life.

But knowing she was upset by such thoughts, I examined my own feelings and realized that in thinking of her with other men... I just didn't feel jealous. Moreover, I looked back and I think I always thought it was silly that, if you love someone, you would suddenly stop because they had a few moments of lust with someone else.

So I guess that's my "story." But I was wondering if other people felt the same, or how they came to their conclusion. I still don't know if I've fully accepted it myself... but I do know that if this relationship doesn't work out I'm not going straight into another monogamous relationship.

Wow, I'm really rambly tonight...
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  #138  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Not entirely understanding your questions. What conclusion?
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-29-2012 at 06:51 AM.
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  #139  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:50 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I did things backwards. I didn't know the term "polyamory" until after I was polyamorous. I'd always had a semi-open relationship with my husband since we first started dating, usually FWB's, and I had some very close friendships, but I never really thought about the logistics regarding being in love with more than one person at a time until it happened. So, I guess I "knew" a couple of years ago, but at the same time I still don't "know" if I consider myself poly in the sense that I don't know if I would look for this relationship structure if I didn't have it. I've never been the kind of person who looks for "The One" or now "The Two" or "The Three" or whatever. Relationships happen, and you have to decide how much work and effort you're willing to put in based on how much you want that person in your life, not how much you want a certain role filled.
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  #140  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:00 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Not entirely understanding your questions. What conclusion?
That you're polyamorous.

Sorry, I'm in a weird mood... I normally write a little more clearly. Or at least I like to think so...
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