Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #151  
Old 08-02-2011, 04:53 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Magdlyn,

Maybe he somehow didn't get your text messages? Do you have his phone #, mailing address, email...? I think you two have been close enough that you're due a direct response to "So, what's up?".

BTW, I just had a similar experience with the "Long Lost Love". He totally bailed on communication with me as soon as I told him that it seemed he was a bit cool and distant, as I was experiencing him. (And he was; this is not insecurity or nothin', nor clinging or grasping. He simply let it be known he's not into telephone or email much, and didn't seek an alternative means of communication.) So I'm feelin' ya.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #152  
Old 08-02-2011, 05:20 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 338
Default

Nycindie: I think writing an e-mail would be good, because that way you get to tell him all the things you want and have time to think how to say them. If he wants to talk about it more, he can call you after reading the e-mail, right? I don't think writing an e-mail about important things is cowardly.

I have been in LDRs, in one that changed into LDR after living together for years and also in one that started out as a LDR. I think every form of communication is important. Sometimes it feels better to write down your thoughts especially if they feel complex and hard to explain, in that case an e-mail is the best. Sometimes it's better to talk via Skype and webcam because you get to see each other and that adds another dimension to the communication. Sometimes I prefer chatting via messenger etc, if I want to communicate briefly but can't/don't want to talk for some reason.

In general on how to keep a LDR fresh, I think it's important to keep contact quite often. That way you get to talk about things that happened during the day, the not-so-important-stuff as well. If you only speak once a week, it's likely that the conversations are more serious and about important subjects. Not necessarily though, but that's my experience. I think sharing the less important things as well keeps the connection in better shape because you feel that the partner is a part of your day to day life.
__________________
My live-in partners: rory and Hank
I'm also dating Sol and Ray
Reply With Quote
  #153  
Old 08-02-2011, 08:27 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,681
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Magdlyn,

Maybe he somehow didn't get your text messages? Do you have his phone #, mailing address, email...? I think you two have been close enough that you're due a direct response to "So, what's up?".
Of course I have his phone #, or I wouldnt be able to text him. I've got his email, and his okc account.

I'm going to call him tonight. Whether he answers or not, i will speak my mind, and at least get it off my chest.

Quote:
BTW, I just had a similar experience with the "Long Lost Love". He totally bailed on communication with me as soon as I told him that it seemed he was a bit cool and distant, as I was experiencing him. (And he was; this is not insecurity or nothin', nor clinging or grasping. He simply let it be known he's not into telephone or email much, and didn't seek an alternative means of communication.) So I'm feelin' ya.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #154  
Old 08-02-2011, 08:47 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,291
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
In general on how to keep a LDR fresh, I think it's important to keep contact quite often. That way you get to talk about things that happened during the day, the not-so-important-stuff as well. If you only speak once a week, it's likely that the conversations are more serious and about important subjects. Not necessarily though, but that's my experience. I think sharing the less important things as well keeps the connection in better shape because you feel that the partner is a part of your day to day life.
I don't have a webcam. We were texting every day and talking on the phone once a week. He says he hates talking on the phone (although we never had a phone call for less than 90 minutes). Then he told me he thought texting every day was too much, and when I backed off is when I noticed certain inequities and things started to slide.

So, how to keep an LDR fresh when everyday contact is not desired (or possible)? I would think there has to be a stronger foundation there, but how do you build a long-distance relationship mostly online? This is what perplexes me. It would be different if we met in real life and then were separated, but starting out this way... maybe I'm just too old for this shit. Hmm.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #155  
Old 08-02-2011, 10:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

Great tip to read the blog ....makes for better and more coherent questions...thanks


The reason I asked about the your boyfriends relationship was the possible relate-ability of the thread I started in which you and I had several back and forth interactions. When I read this I was thinking ...wow this guy may have had very similar conversations along the way....

Worrying about the poly stuff:
I was under the assumption that if you were using an on line dating site....that you would have about 10,000 non poly matches right in your backyard to weed through. So kicking out a match that was poly but was 2.5 hr away must have been something in the input process ... and hence the LDR difficulty

The comment about secondary status....I thought perhaps just coming out of a divorce you may not want that type of relationship ...which is why you selected to get involved with a guy who is in a ten year plus marriage... texting once or twice a day and a weekly phone call ...how would he describe it ?? How does his wife describe it ...and how does she describe her relationships with her other lovers? Have you had any of these conversations with him or her???
Reply With Quote
  #156  
Old 08-02-2011, 10:26 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,291
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Worrying about the poly stuff:
I was under the assumption that if you were using an on line dating site....that you would have about 10,000 non poly matches right in your backyard to weed through. So kicking out a match that was poly but was 2.5 hr away must have been something in the input process ... and hence the LDR difficulty . . . How does his wife describe it ...and how does she describe her relationships with her other lovers? Have you had any of these conversations with him or her???
You make it sound like "how could I choose a poly guy over non-poly?" as if non-poly is preferable. Well, I date anyone who is open to non-exclusivity, whether they ID as poly or not. And Burnsy is a great guy, very smart, attractive, we had good online chemistry, both work in the same industry, had fun conversations, and definite sexual attraction. That's why I moved forward to embark on an LDR with him. It wasn't what either of us were looking for, but we didn't rule it out. What do non-poly people in my own backyard have to do with it?

As to his wife, I know she has one boyfriend and was starting to consider having another, but I haven't asked about that since he first told me and don't know what she calls them or anything. I told you, I don't pry into their relationship. He tells me more about how he's tried to meet women than what she does.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #157  
Old 08-03-2011, 03:11 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,681
Default

I called the guy I mentioned upthread, R, tonight. I got voicemail on the 2nd ring. Instead of launching into him, I just said I'd like to talk to you, please call me when you get a chance. This was at 9:30PM, so I assume he was in for the night on a worknight. I'll give him a day or two, and then call again and really speak my mind. I don't even want him at this point, but some sort of closure sure would be nice. How rude! 2 pleasant dates, talking all about our histories, families, philosophies of life, quite a bit of texting, telling me he wants to see where this is going. And the sexual thing... he's a sub and told me he wanted to worship me as a Goddess and do everything to please me. And then, and yet, nada.

Pfffff.... And he calls himself a Buddhist. Nice karma, dude!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-03-2011 at 02:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #158  
Old 08-03-2011, 02:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

I think you are misunderstand the nature of my comment....it was purely logistical ....living in a large urban city you must have been out ....and got introduced to someone ....spent the night bar hopping ...had a one in stand... because the person lives in the suburbs.....logistical problem . I guy who worked for the same firm I did lived in Manhattan and on the weekends would go stay this his parents in Long Island to visit his girl friend. During the week he was out with work people..other women then on the weekend he'd go see his long time girl friend. It was a logistical problem.

I have absolutely no knowledge of how dating sites work ....so I'm under the assumption that their is a geography type question...and other filters. And it was the arrangement of the filters that's put you two together.

Being single gives you the option of how and when to declare your poly nature.
Reply With Quote
  #159  
Old 08-03-2011, 02:24 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Magdlyn,

Actually, when I look back at my attempts to make new kissy-cuddly-lovey guy friends, I certainly have to agree with your assessment of men, in general. I don't like agreeing. It bugs me to agree. I hate steriotypes. But it seems to be true that men, on average, are severely lacking in social skills, compassion, kindness, honesty and the like. Brutes, if you will.

(Any guys reading this who aren't such brutes, and who live in the Northernly portions of New Mexico, are welcome to say hello!)
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #160  
Old 08-04-2011, 03:21 PM
nicothoe's Avatar
nicothoe nicothoe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Montgomery, IL
Posts: 64
Default

I'll confess that I hate talking on the phone. Always have! And in groups, I tend to be very quiet. If I had a penny for every time someone said to me, "I don't think I have ever heard your accent", I'd be rich. Okay. Not rich. But I would have a lot of pennies.

I tend to fair better in writing. Emails, IMing, text messages. That I can do! But ask me to call you, and I am like...."Do I have to?" That doesn't mean I am bad at communication, just that I dislike speaking on the phone. It probably has to do with not always having something to say, which can lead to awkward silences. Face to face, silences can be filled with facial expressions, activities, and such.

I was able to maintain a long distant relationship for 18 months, until I finally moved State side. Thousands of lines of text, but very few phones calls. I was pretty much in constant communication for every day.

As it happens, I do possess compassion, kindness, and honesty....I'm just not in New Mexico.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
jealousy, ldr, long distance, long distance love, long distant love, love, non-responsive, triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:39 AM.