Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

[BlackUnicorn]

I think I fell out of the loop at some point but can you give me a quick summary on why the situation with the gf is so aggravated right now? Is she a bona fide cowgirl or what's going on?

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

My mistake was thinking that in making these choices he should or would keep me in mind and maybe choose not to do some things because of me. He's never been that person so I'm not sure where that idea came from. But I need to let that go too.

I weirdly enough until very recently thought that thinking about your SO's preferences while making relationship decisions regarding OSOs is harmful, and it's controlling and bad form to ask consideration from your partner in these matters. But maybe I'm a bit conceptually fuzzy on the whole control/consideration/compassion scale.

[rory]

I totally disagree with that statement about that being harmful. Although it depends of the sort of thing expected. I wouldn't go looking for an unicorn of some kind (mutual attraction all around), but I do think it's reasonable for my established partner(s) to expect me not to pursue relationships which are harmful or full of drama or unhealthy. I do expect the same, too.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

I weirdly enough until very recently thought that thinking about your SO's preferences while making relationship decisions regarding OSOs is harmful, and it's controlling and bad form to ask consideration from your partner in these matters. But maybe I'm a bit conceptually fuzzy on the whole control/consideration/compassion scale.

Originally Posted by rory

I totally disagree with that statement about that being harmful. Although it depends of the sort of thing expected. I wouldn't go looking for an unicorn of some kind (mutual attraction all around), but I do think it's reasonable for my established partner(s) to expect me not to pursue relationships which are harmful or full of drama or unhealthy. I do expect the same, too.

I do agree, actually. I guess I just thought that if someone was a concern to me then it should be to him, but that's not the case, and I'm starting to see it doesn't matter.

At this point I'm just letting go completely. No expectations, no rules, no anything. I'm letting it all go.

If we work it out in some way that works for us, that would be lovely. If not... well, for the first time in a decade I'm not afraid anymore.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by rory

I do think it's reasonable for my established partner(s) to expect me not to pursue relationships which are harmful or full of drama or unhealthy. I do expect the same, too.

The problem with that is, often you don't know how much drama or toxicity a relationship will have until you're smack-dab in the thick of it. You can ask a partner to avoid drama and unhealthy relationships, but that can't prevent them from happening.

Minxxa, I'm a bit confused, too. I just went back and re-read your thread a bit. It seemed like you and hubs's GF have emailed, met, and gotten along. But later in the thread, there's this:

Originally Posted by Minxxa

And as for his GF.. well, that's a lot more complicated. Especially in regards to boundaries and energy drainage. I don't see that changing before he comes home for very very complicated reasons I can't divulge. But as long as I'm getting a good amount of his energy I can live with that for now. I worry more for HIM.

Originally Posted by Minxxa

I laid down to go to bed, and as soon as my eyes were shut I started to have the most horrible "worst case scenario" visions involving hubs and the GF. I saw it start, and then tried to think about other things, but it was really hard, and as soon as I would start to drift off to sleep, it would come back with a vengeance. Now, all of the scenarios were something that I had thought about previously, worked through and filed away... but it seems like when I'm in this hormonally induced anxiety state, they come flying out of that filing cabinet and attack!

Originally Posted by Minxxa

Had the WORST convo with hubs. Talked about the GF. Basically a shitty situation there is no answer for.

The downward spiral started yesterday when we were texting and he got very cold and pulled away. Between that and not texting last night and this morning I was already in a mood, and it just built over the day.

I just wanted to sit and chat about something nice, but basically I've been ignoring the big damn issue because there's no resoluation. I haven't dealt with the situation, just ignored it and that never works.

I'm just damn tired of pretending I'm okay with something that I'm NOT freaking okay with. I don't have to like her, I don't have to want to hang out with her, but I have to not be freaking SCARED of what she could do to my family. And pretending I'm not is impossible.

Originally Posted by Minxxa

I just couldn't pretend she didn't exist anymore, which was what I had been doing...

We were talking about the rift him being with her is creating between us. Because I am so NOT right with it, and I didn't feel I could be NOT right with it... I told him I just didn't want to hear anything about it because that's the only way I could function. And that silence I asked for created a huge space between us.

My fault I guess.

But at this point I don't know what to do. I can't pretend I'm okay with it, I can't ignore it... I can't run away to a desert island and avoid the situation.

I know you've talked about anxiety and being a worrier. Do you think you have allowed yourself to see danger in his relationship where there really is none? What is it you are not okay with?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

At this point I'm just letting go completely. No expectations, no rules, no anything. I'm letting it all go.

Oh! I posted my last message before seeing this.

Sounds like a good idea to me. Let go and reconnect with yourself. Why not make a list of ten things in your life that make you happy and read it every night before going to bed. It helps to remind ourselves of the things we're grateful for.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I know you've talked about anxiety and being a worrier. Do you think you have allowed yourself to see danger in his relationship where there really is none? What is it you are not okay with?

I wish I could tell you exactly WHY it is an issue. I can't do that on a public board. But it is major, and my counselor agrees with my problems with it, and she would know better than I.

[nycindie]

Well, he's coming home soon - correct? Will he be extricating himself from the relationship or do you think they will continue long-distance after he returns? If it's something that he should get out of, maybe he can start now.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh! I posted my last message before seeing this.

Sounds like a good idea to me. Let go and reconnect with yourself. Why not make a list of ten things in your life that make you happy and read it every night before going to bed. It helps to remind ourselves of the things we're grateful for.

Don't take this the wrong way... I am in a mood right now. I know people have been trying to give me advice about just leaving him to his relationship and not worrying and wondering WHY I am.

I've PMed with someone on this board who understands what I'm going through so I could explain the whole issue. And she agreed with my concern. I'm sorry that nobody else who can't hear the exact details is not getting it. I really am... but the fact is the problem I have with her is MAJOR ALARM BELLS. Not some little "I don't like her for some silly reason thing."

So I appreciate the advice to go get with myself. I am doing that, and have been for months. I am good with that. And I AM letting go of him because I have no control over his choices. And I have no choice. The universe will do what it does, and I'll mop up the pieces as usual.

[SNeacail]

I know she is 3000 miles away NOW, but is there a concern that she may show up on your doorstep unannounced and pose a threat to you or your kids?

Husband may be able to see things in a better light after he gets home and can gain some distance and time away from her.

---
Opps! Looks like I missed a few posts while posting this.

HUGS!