Couple-hunting in Unicornia

[rory]

The last suggestion sounds good. It might be something temporary, though, since she's more tired than usual.

I'm sort of thinking that my husband finding a girlfriend might be nice, since I'd like for him to experience some of the great things that can come with that. But, he doesn't seem to be anywhere near ready for that; either he needs time to process poly, or he might not be poly at all. Time will tell. So I'm doing the 'letting him be a grown-up and make his own decisions' thing, too.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

She pondered that she might not really be a very good poly at all - like when she is with me, she does not feel the need for any other romantic relationships. Not that she would be opposed to one coming along, but as long as she gets her semi-regular doses of penis (I can't believe I wrote that, but there) and gets to play occasionally at parties, she is fulfilled. So for her, the relationship is more open than poly atm.

Which is cool by me, as long as I'm not holding her back from anything she wants to do. On the other hand, maybe I should just let her be a grown-up and make her own decisions regarding which things/people to prioritize in her life .

I'm kind of the same way, though I don't consider it not being a very good poly. :-)

For me I really don't get that romantic attraction for people that often. I have to really get to know them, and there ends up being some spark of something that hits me right. Someone can be attractive and nice, and I just don't have any romantic/sexual feelings for them at all.

In the past 11 years hubs and I have been together, I've had that feeling for maybe... 3 or 4 people? But none of them have been in a place where they could be open to a relationship. Either they were married and weren't poly or had a DA/DT policy (which I won't do), or there was something else going on, but regardless it just wasn't a possibility. So in that sense, the odds are I may or may not end up with another partner. I am open to that, but am fine if I don't.

Also, I am the same way in that as long as I'm getting regular doses of hubs, I'm happy with that. I also have two kids, a full time job and am going to grad school, and have friends I visit from time to time, so I don't have a lot of spare time right now! If the right person came along, I'd make it work. But I'm not out searching.

The only issue this brings up with US is that hubs meets people EVERYWHERE, and also connects with people in one way or another very very easily. Sometimes it feels very imbalanced, but it's because we are just very different in that regard.

I've learned to stop thinking of it as unfair, or imbalanced. It's just the way it is. Eventually (I have hopes!) I will meet someone who will fit me and it will be lovely. But until then I am just working on my stuff, getting happier with who I am, and enjoying what I have.

[BlackUnicorn]

No, we are not getting preggers with Vanilla. Yet.

But we talked about it and have decided to begin her Dom-hunt in earnest. Qualities we are looking for;

1) No lifestylers and no gf seekers. No time, no energy, no interest.
2) Proximity. No time, no patience, no money for LDRs right now.
3) Experience. In Real Life.
4) Dependability. Returns calls, sticks to dates, keeps promises.
5) Predictability. No moodiness, same behaviour leads to same outcomes every time.
6) Doesn't need to resort to punishments. Punishing your sub for honest mistakes is a sign of weakness and not a healthy basis to build trust on.
7) Humility. Doesn't need to be always right, even when clearly wrong.
8) Male. Vanilla would welcome a Domme, but with me in her life she feels she only has the energy for one additional, more casual relationship, and that would have to cater both to her submissive and bisexual side.

I know going out with a shopping list for a relationship isn't generally a good idea, but once the D/s starts, it's going to be a serious mindfuck and objectivity can easily be thrown out of the window. With one bad experience already, Vanilla doesn't need any more bullies in her life.

While talking about this I tried to imagine she hitting it off with someone whom I strongly dislike or someone who clearly has no understanding of polyamory and what me being Vanilla's girlfriend means for everyone, i.e. no infringing upon our time, certainly no attempts at domming me etc. I don't know if I'm being naive when I want her both to have this and it NOT affect our relationship. I worry that once in subspace, she will become overly dependent on him and his approval and lose interest in me .

We also talked about how she has no interest in anything beyond bedroom D/s, and how both of us think that polyamory as a concept doesn't really mesh with lifestyle D/s. For her, lifestyling involves orgasm control and the works, and thus entertaining multiple relationships just becomes impossible. Ours is an equal vanilla life partnership, and she doens't want anything messing up with that. I'm happy.

On me front; date number 3 with the New Girl coming up! I'm excited - maybe there will be some kissing involved (my most common euphenism for sex, really - but I always think it will only be kissing, at least in the beginning, and then I'm suddenly naked and wondering what just happened )? I just disclosed my herpes status with her in a text, she hasn't answered back. If that turns out to be a dealbreaker then it shall; no use crying over spillt milk.

I've been chatting with this guy over OKC for a while now. He's probably going to visit my town sometime soon-ish, and we'll see if there's off-screen chemistry there. Next weekend it's SlutWalk and the last Pride of the season! We'll be staying over at Vanilla's playmates'. Things might evolve into sex or then not. I'm not feeling pressure either way really. Additionally, made preliminary plans with a couple over OKC to meat either all the four of us or just me and them or a combination thereof. They live in the same city with Vanilla's steady FWB, whose been working out and stressing over his fitness level ever since Vanilla announced we might be coming over for a visit, poor sod . Male performance pressure is something I think I'll never fully get. Vanilla's bragging has just made him a bit insecure, I fear. So I'm thinking of combining two (three?) flies to one stroke down South, maybe meeting the couple on Sat and FWB on Sun, or the other way round. Looks like a busy month or two ahead .

[nycindie]

BU, I thought I remembered you saying, some time ago (perhaps not long after you joined here?), that you're not into BDSM at all. I thought you were quite adamant about that -- am I thinking of someone else? Or did you cross over to the Dark Side?

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by nycindie

BU, I thought I remembered you saying, some time ago (perhaps not long after you joined here?), that you're not into BDSM at all. I thought you were quite adamant about that -- am I thinking of someone else? Or did you cross over to the Dark Side?

Haha, join the Dark Side, they have better cookies too !

VanillaIce is a kinkster. I love her, want to make her happy. Even if it means going out of my comfort zone at times. In the meanwhile, I'm trying to sort out if there is something in BDSM I could identify with, what is something I'm comfortable with and what I'm not okay with. Tender boundary-exploration in-process.

I'm very oriented towards my partner's pleasure in general, and Vanilla's slightly worried that I'm doing things I'm not comfy with to make her happy. I think I'm reasonably aware of my boundaries. I've wondered if I'm trying to "Domme-up" in some unconscious bid to keep her all to myself and prevent her from seeking out others who could prove to be competition.

The long and short of it, however, is that she wants a bedroom D/s relationship, we don't want it to be OUR relationship, so the options are pretty few. Hence, the Dom-hunt!

[BlackUnicorn]

So having fumbled considerably with this topic, I want to share (despite there being a separate thread for this) what I've learned so far about safer sex in a poly environ.

1) STDs can and do pass on through fellatio. So despite the weird sensations, condoms are a must before everyone is tested.

2) Herpes is the only STD that can pass on through cunninlingulus. Both herpes 1 and 2 can pass on this way.

3) About half the population around these parts is a carrier of one of the HPV viruses. Around four-fifths carry either herpes 1 or 2 virus or both.

4) There is no known cure for either the HPV virus or herpes. No testing is available for either unless they present in changes around the mouth/genitalia. So even if you hadn't had an episode of either, it's impossible to know for certain that you are not a carrier. Episodes of herpes 1 in particular can be very mild and pass unnoticed. Also, both are infectious even while dormant.

5) Condoms/dental dams don't protect against herpes 100%. If you have sex with someone whose had an episode of genital herpes in the past, it's imperative that you inform any and all future partners of your exposure so they can make informed choices.

6) The efficiency of condoms on sex toys and latex gloves worn during fingering in preventing HPV transmission have not been studied. I imagine my future dates will be reasonably safe if we both maintain a rigorous programme of hand hygiene/use gloves on each other. Anyone know if HPV can transmit during oral? I've only read it can pass on via tribbing and fingering.

These are the two links I've found really useful;

San Franciso City Clinic's STD Risk Chart based on type of sexual activity:
http://www.sfcityclinic.org/stdbasics/stdchart.asp

LesbianSTD.com, an University of Washington maintained site that focuses exclusively on women who have sex with other women:
http://depts.washington.edu/wswstd/

[opalescent]

Most helpful BlackUnicorn! Thank you.

[Hannahfluke]

Actually, there is a test for Herpes, regardless of if you are presenting symptoms or not. Last time I got tested (in May) they did a test for antibodies for both HSV 1 and HSV 2. I didn't have a cold sore at the time and it still came back correctly for HSV 1. I was negative for HSV 2 (HSV 1 antibodies tend to help protect against being infected with HSV 2. It's not a 100% though so you shouldn't count on it). So they have developed a test that doesn't require an outbreak. It was $50 for that test through the government health clinic but I wanted a full work up this time so it was worth it.

[TruckerPete]

This is one site that has helped me tremendously with figuring out herpes: http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/herp...ex_1_and_2.htm

I am one of those lucky people that contracted HSV 1 from oral sex. *sigh*

[nycindie]

There already are some pretty long threads about STDs, with great information in them. Here are two of them:

HPV - Shouldn't we talk about it?

Safe Sex - Standards, Practices, Information & Resources