Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #101  
Old 07-07-2011, 05:11 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,414
Default

Hi there! When I saw that you had posted, I got real excited. I expected the first words in your message to be "Gia had the baby!!" Sorry, but reading about Davis first was a bit disappointing, LOL.

I don't think you need to pressure yourself to say the words to Eric. I think he is "getting it" via all the other things - your physical expressions of affection, the ways you help out, all that stuff. I have a feeling the words will just bubble out of you when the time is right and you won't even have thought about it in advance. So, give yourself a break. It sounds like things are going well for you -- don't go looking for a problem, now!

Congratulations on little Bee!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 07-07-2011, 05:36 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hi there! When I saw that you had posted, I got real excited. I expected the first words in your message to be "Gia had the baby!!" Sorry, but reading about Davis first was a bit disappointing, LOL.

I don't think you need to pressure yourself to say the words to Eric. I think he is "getting it" via all the other things - your physical expressions of affection, the ways you help out, all that stuff. I have a feeling the words will just bubble out of you when the time is right and you won't even have thought about it in advance. So, give yourself a break. It sounds like things are going well for you -- don't go looking for a problem, now!

Congratulations on little Bee!
I actually typed the bit about Bee first, then went back and reordered things to make the post flow better.

I think your advice about Eric is probably right on target. I just get so antsy sometimes! I want everything with the two of them to move faster, to be clearer, to be as deep and full on the outside as it feels to me on the inside. But I know that things don't work that way. Hell, we're talking about a woman who'll just had her life thrown into disarray by the arrival of her first child and a man who has explicitly said to me that he doesn't want a relationship. And still they let me in, still we three (now four!!) give each other the gifts of our caring. I am ever more excited than afraid, and always cognizant of how lucky I am and how lucky they are (thinking of you when I typed that last bit, Mr. FFR).
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 07-09-2011, 04:51 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

Progress! I managed to say it in the least threatening, most laid back way possible. Eric sent an email to me and to Gia's best friend K, thanking us for all of our help and saying what a difference it's made (it was very sweet). I wrote back and said "Hey, you know that both K and I love the three of you very much and we're here to back you up however you need. Don't hesitate to reach out." So yeah, I actually wrote the words, albeit couched in terms of the love of a friend and love for a child.

Maybe some day, in the words of Dr. Horrible, I'll make "a real, audible connection" with him on the subject. But for now, even though he probably didn't even take notice of exactly what I wrote, I at least feel like I've opened up to a new level of honesty in this situation.

I get to see them again tonight!! I can't wait to hold Bee and to see how Gia is holding up.
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 07-14-2011, 10:34 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Red face

I've been feeling a little lonely lately. :/

I've visited Gia, Eric and Bee twice since I last wrote here, and and will see them again on Saturday. It's been wonderful spending time with them, it really has. Bee is just like a magic engine of cute! But he's fussy, like just about any new infant, and he doesn't have his latch perfect for nursing, which causes Gia a lot of discomfort (she's always had painfully sensitive nipples but she's committed to breastfeeding). She's in a lot of pain still overall, her body feels weird to her, her usual issues with anxiety are being exacerbated by being trapped in her room on bedrest and by worrying about this huge responsibility she now has before her, and on top of all that she's beginning to suffer some postpartum depression. So, it's not like she exactly has any energy to send my way. Don't get me wrong, I actually really enjoy taking care of her and helping out. But I miss her too, so much. I wonder, often, what our relationship will morph into once she's healed up and settled into her new role a little more. Will we, at any point, be lovers again in the physical sense? It'll have been a year in October since we were last intimate. Growing closer to Eric has been one silver lining - we cooked together the other night, which we'd never done before, and he continues to go out of his way to tell me how much he appreciates my presence.

As for Davis, we were spending a LOT of time together for a couple of weeks there and lately he's been wanting to take a little more space for himself. Nothing drastic, and he's always there when I need him, but I can feel the shift and combined with everything above it just leaves me feeling a little unsettled and melancholy now and then.
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 07-15-2011, 02:53 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Wink

And just for the record... you've all seen the "It's OK in a Three Way" video with justice Timberlake and Lady Gaga, right?? So, so funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi7gwX7rjOw&sns=em
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 07-30-2011, 06:48 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

Just thought I'd give y'all a quick update. Bee is almost a month old now. He's big and healthy and pink. Gia is well but has been having a tough time, struggling with giving Bee all the care he needs while not going crazy. Eric is holding things together and is great at his job as Dad.

I visit a couple of times a week and always focus on doing helpful things like cooking or holding Bee. Right now it feels like this stage will never end. I miss my physical connection with them so much sometimes that I don't know what to do. I care for the three of them so much though that, ultimately, I just want to spend all the time with them that I can. One nice thing -- Gia and Eric are both so independent that this is probably the one time in our lives that they can easily let me just take care of them, which I like doing.

Next week we'll all be at a big camping event. Gia and Eric have been working their butts off to go, even though they know it'll be tough with Bee. Gia's parents will be there too. She's finally telling her dad about our relationship (her mom already knows) so that he doesn't get surprised while we're there, which is cool. Last year we went to the same event, sans baby and sans her parents. I stayed in their tent and slept with them every night on their big air mattress for a week straight. We had awesome sex and lots of good conversations. This year will be very different, we may not even camp terribly near each other for logistical reasons that make sense but would take a while to explain. I expect to have a great time, I just hope I don't get too wistful.
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 07-30-2011, 04:08 PM
1stTime4Everything 1stTime4Everything is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 9
Default

Hi Anna! I just spent most of my morning sitting in bed reading your entire story....wow, just oh my gosh....you are such an inspiration to me....your thought process, your experiences, just everything...im extremely, extremely new to the whole concept of polyamory lifestyles....your story is by far my favorite on this forum....as of right now, I am married and bi-curious and I suppose I can wven consider myself poly-curious....in some ways I picture my husband being like Eric....if I ever decided to explore a poly lifestyle, he would be understanding and supportive and appreciative as Eric has been in your life..I can picture it all happening for him and I as it has been playing out for you, Gia and Eric, though if our life were ever to venture down the same path, I could only pray and hope that it turns out as beautifully as yours has....its so reassuring and inspiring to hear of love and happiness, even through all its complexities.....

You may have mentioned this before, but could you talk about your thoughts and experience when you first decided to live a poly lifestyle? Was it something you thoroughly thought about or just something that you gradually found yourself in? As someone who's only just becoming aware and is learning, but has been in a mono relationship her whole life, I'd love to hear your perspective when it all "began" for you....

And a huge Thank You for sharing your thoughts and life experiences... And congrats on little Bee!!
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 08-02-2011, 03:03 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

Hey 1stTime, welcome to the boards and thank you for your kind words! It's really nice to hear that reading my story has been a positive thing for you.

As for your question, it began for me in high school. I'd dated people monogamously before. One summer I had a big crush on a female friend of mine and was planning to ask her out, but instead she started dating a guy friend of mine. This particular guy had long had a crush on me. I was so jealous of both of them, and so attracted to both of them! It just drove me crazy. There was some fooling around and a lot of flirting, but things didn't work out between the three of us. During this time I did a lot of reading online about polyamory.

Later that year, I ended up dating two guys at the same time... that didn't go well, they tried to be cool with it but ultimately weren't and I ended up breaking up with both of them. Then, shortly after high school ended, I got into a serious relationship with an older guy, we'll call him Ziggy, who had a five-year, live-in relationship with another woman who knew about him and me. So, in fairly rapid succession I went through a variety of different poly situations... pining after a couple, being the hinge of a V and then being a wing of a different V.

After things fell apart with Ziggy, I started dating Davis. He and I were monogamous together for three years, aside from one incident where I cheated on him with Ziggy (I've talked about this a little in earlier posts). I was monogamous with Davis initially because he wanted it and I wanted him and it seemed like an easy thing to give him. At least it seemed that way until it wasn't and I cheated and we eventually split up over it. *sigh*

Poly feels very, very natural to me. Why should what I do with one person have any impact on another person as long as I'm being honest and safe and considerate? Like, if Gia and Eric and I spend an hour playing video games, how does that affect Davis any more or less than if Gia and Eric and I spend an hour having hot, safe sex (*siiiiigh*)? I have fairly compelling proof that loving one person doesn't stop me from loving another person -- if it did, Davis and I wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

In my heart, ever since that first couple I fell for in high school... hell, maybe since before that, when I first realized I was bi... I've always thought that being with a guy/girl couple would just be amazing. And reading about poly stuff, seeing poly situations depicted in a positive way, just makes me so *happy*, the way seeing depictions of women loving each other made me feel happy and validated when I was young and still does now.

So, I didn't exactly "decide" to start living a poly lifestyle again post-Davis, but it was something that was natural to me. When Gia suggested that we date I didn't see any reason not to and, in fact, saw the situation as something close to my m/f/f triad ideal even though it's not exactly that.
Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 08-02-2011, 03:22 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

I visited G and E and B again yesterday. I spent the whole day there, actually, chilling and helping with things so that they could finish prepping for the big trip. On two different occasions, I managed to get Bee to fall asleep in my arms while soothing him. I was so proud. I'm feeling more and more tender towards him as time goes on. I mean, duh, you're always going to love a baby who belongs to someone you love. But every time I'm holding him and he looks up at me with big, concerned eyes and I whisper to him and he mellows out and squeaks at me, I feel all the more like I never want to let him go, even during the many other times when he's screaming and crying and pooping and spitting up.
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 08-02-2011, 08:00 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

So good to have you back, Annabel! It's a delight to read about someone in a (recently even more) similar situation who handles it with the grace and honesty you do!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I wonder, often, what our relationship will morph into once she's healed up and settled into her new role a little more. Will we, at any point, be lovers again in the physical sense? It'll have been a year in October since we were last intimate.
I posted a question a while back on the poly with kids thread about how common it is for couples to retire on poly while having on kids. I've heard a few stories on how the new mothers just don't have the energy needed to keep up even one relationship to the co-parent of their child, much less multiple ones, and how the physical connection is often the first to go .

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Right now it feels like this stage will never end.
A huge surprise coming up; babies grow up shockingly fast! Before you know it, Bee is insisting on vacuum cleaning every little bit of hazardous waste on the floor with his mouth, not long after he'll be constantly teeter-tottering on his way to harm, and you start missing the times he just mostly slept !

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'm feeling more and more tender towards him as time goes on. I mean, duh, you're always going to love a baby who belongs to someone you love. But every time I'm holding him and he looks up at me with big, concerned eyes and I whisper to him and he mellows out and squeaks at me, I feel all the more like I never want to let him go, even during the many other times when he's screaming and crying and pooping and spitting up.
I think you are starting to love Bee the Person and not Bee the Baby of Gina and Eric, which is going to be one of the glues that sticks the four of you together in the years to come, even if the precise relationship form changes . So happy for you.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, boundaries, mono/poly, pregnancy, secondary, unrequited, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:45 AM.