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  #91  
Old 08-01-2011, 11:59 PM
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Pinky1223 Pinky1223 is offline
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Question Ok....its input from the peanut gallery time!!!

Ok....I have a question and an idea and I just wanna throw it out there and see what everybody's opinions are and experiences have been...........

We all love being together all the time....we used to think we needed alot of alone time and breaks from each other but anymore, we are all just alot happier together and we basically co-habitate in 2 houses.....

We made the rule awhile back, that we would wait a year before we starting looking at living together but the longer this relationship goes on, the more we all kinda feel like waiting that long may hurt our relationship more than help it. We all wanna live together and create a one-home family, but we all are just kinda like "shrugging our shoulders" at what we are waiting for....

For me #1 there are legal concerns (I watch sister wives, lol) #2 I'm worried that maybe we would be moving too fast and #3 I wonder how it is going to affect the kids........

So that's where I'm at, I'm sure Jamee will contribute her feelings as well (she's with me....we feel like we're ready but we just don't want to hurt our relationship by making a huge step so soon).......

What do you guys...newbies and experienced poly's alike.....think about us making the big move after only 5 months???? Thanks for any feedback
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  #92  
Old 08-02-2011, 12:44 AM
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Five months? Too soon. That's my humble opinion, in a nutshell. I'm sure others much more experienced will be able to chime in with the why's and wherefore's.
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  #93  
Old 08-02-2011, 12:54 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Five months? Too soon. That's my humble opinion, in a nutshell. I'm sure others much more experienced will be able to chime in with the why's and wherefore's.
RARGH THIS! Five months is NOTHING! There is no "all the time" when it's only been five months! Believe me, I KNOW that when you're in love or in NRE, TIME SLOWS DOWN! It used to feel like a long time when I was in my teens and 20's. I could barely wait five HOURS for anything, let alone five MONTHS!

But don't listen to us. You're your own unique person. You know yourself and your partners better than we do. So you're going to do whatever you want to do because what do a bunch of strangers on the internet know.

(and there are kids - it's not that they can't handle "alternative" relationship styles, but you shouldn't bop them around from living situation to living situation because you're horny and want to sleep in the same bed with your partners every night. Come on. But what do I know... I don't have kids. I have BEEN a kid though. So I do have some insight into how a kid might react to things.)
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  #94  
Old 08-02-2011, 12:56 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Five months? Too soon. That's my humble opinion, in a nutshell.
What are the criteria of a decision as to when is too soon? Could it be too soon for some people while not too soon for another set of people?

What does it mean for it to be too soon?

I'm not doubting that it is too soon for this set of people. I'm trying to understand how to consider the question. What is at stake here? What are the issues involved?

I've had precisely two long term loverly relationships (current one for fifteen years), and both involved us living together nearly right away, which is weird, but true. It was a matter of circumstance. In other circumstances, I'd not have traveled that road, but it is the road I'm still on, since Kevin & I are still together these many years later.
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  #95  
Old 08-02-2011, 01:02 AM
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(and there are kids - it's not that they can't handle "alternative" relationship styles, but you shouldn't bop them around from living situation to living situation because you're horny and want to sleep in the same bed with your partners every night. Come on. But what do I know... I don't have kids. I have BEEN a kid though. So I do have some insight into how a kid might react to things.)
Yes, the fact of kids is a crucial factor in deciding when it is alright to move in together. And it does seem to weigh things toward the conservative position. I suppose.

I find it very difficult to know how to consider the question as to when it is appropriate and good to share living space -- but I'm a bit of a hippy in these matters. My fantasy life would involve a big chosen family of communalist living, patchoulie (sp?), paisly, sandals and gardens and....
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  #96  
Old 08-02-2011, 01:33 AM
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I will clarify my earlier post. As a woman who actually married her husband just five months after we had our first date, I can tell you I am not subscribing to some rule book or status quo formula that dictates you all must wait a year (or whatever) before cohabiting. I'm a rebel, I can dig going against the grain. But keep in mind that my marriage did not involve a third person, and did end rather painfully. In addition, my answer was prompted mostly by what I have gleaned from reading your posts (and a bit of common sense).

Pinky, you said: "the longer this relationship goes on, the more we all kinda feel like waiting that long may hurt our relationship more than help it." Red flag!!!

I look at it this way. If you think waiting could hurt the relationship, how is jumping into it going to help? Sounds like the foundation is still too unstable. Better to wait until there is absolutely no doubt in the integrity of the relationship, irrespective of whatever your living arrangements are.

Furthermore, if I go back and read this thread from the beginning, I see that in the short amount of time you have all been together, it has been a rollercoaster with several dramas played out already. Now you've had a lull in the drama for, oh, maybe a couple of weeks now, and everyone's like, "Ooh, this is bliss! Why wait?" Do you see the hastiness in that attitude?

You only knew each other a short while before embarking on this poly adventure. Sure, you could all jump in feet first into a communal living situation, what the hell -- but at what cost?

Why not save some aggravation and go slowly? It couldn't hurt to take some time to learn more about each other and to enjoy what you have, right now, rather than push for a goal to achieve. Do what you want, of course, but that's how I see it. We, in western society, are so often unable to be content with and revel in what we have, that we're always striving to move forward. But why not see if you can just enjoy the deliciousness of where you are for a while, while building the foundation for a future together? How good can you stand it, right now, just as it is?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-02-2011 at 06:27 AM.
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  #97  
Old 08-02-2011, 06:20 AM
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I agree that its too early to move in after such a short time. You are in NRE and will be for at least a year if you ask me... that seems to be standard anyway... try doing a tag search on "moving in" and see what others have written. My boyfriend moved in at 18 months. That was about right for us... you can read about it on my blog if you wish. Ya, we had a lot to sort out before the timing was perfect... enjoying ones company is just the tip of the iceberg. I would enjoy the time you spend together and when the NRE wears off and you find that a date becomes folding laundry for an evening in front of the tv barely conscious of each other, then you are ready to talk moving in.
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  #98  
Old 08-02-2011, 09:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinky1223 View Post
We all love being together all the time....we used to think we needed alot of alone time and breaks from each other but anymore, we are all just alot happier together and we basically co-habitate in 2 houses.....

We made the rule awhile back, that we would wait a year before we starting looking at living together but the longer this relationship goes on, the more we all kinda feel like waiting that long may hurt our relationship more than help it.
I, the love commuter, know how annoying it can be to live in two or three or four houses, always having your stuff at the wrong place, always having to think ahead of what clothes you will need, can you leave your bag behind, where on earth did I leave my meds/glasses/phone etc.

But I agree with Indie; if you think your relationship will actually HURT from the wait, then it definitely needs more waiting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinky1223 View Post
For me #1 there are legal concerns (I watch sister wives, lol) #2 I'm worried that maybe we would be moving too fast and #3 I wonder how it is going to affect the kids........
Elaborate on these concerns. They are not going to go anywhere, even after the year's up.

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Originally Posted by River View Post
I've had precisely two long term loverly relationships (current one for fifteen years), and both involved us living together nearly right away, which is weird, but true. It was a matter of circumstance. In other circumstances, I'd not have traveled that road, but it is the road I'm still on, since Kevin & I are still together these many years later.
Again with Indie. I come from a dating culture where practically co-habiting from the first overnight date onwards is the rule rather than the exception. And that works well for some mono couples. But living with three adults who are used to running independent households, and with kids involved, is just that much more complicated.

We decided to officially move in with Vanilla after knowing each other for three months and dating for two. Granted, if Flattie hadn't accepted the study placement she got, we wouldn't have made that move for years. But we work well together, and most importantly, are responsible only for ourselves. If I want to pull an all-nighter and study and sleep in the next day and miss my lectures, the only one who will suffer is me. I don't car pool with anyone, I don't have to pick-up anyone, don't have to cook if I can order pizza instead etc. etc. There's no such luxury with kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would enjoy the time you spend together and when the NRE wears off and you find that a date becomes folding laundry for an evening in front of the tv barely conscious of each other, then you are ready to talk moving in.
A good mental image to hold on to. Or when you find that after kids have gone to bed, all three just sit absorbed with their laptops, or when you are so exhausted you just collapse into bed without a thought for any hanky-panky, or become slightly annoyed when your partner wants to discuss something while you are in the middle of a really good book etc. I need to work so much from home that at this point, I could never imagine moving in with Moonlight and co. I just couldn't get the time or quiet I need for that. Do any of you have a similar situation where you really need alone-time to get something done?

Kids need stability. I don't know the specifics of your situation, i.e. would someone need to swap schools or commute much longer to hobbies, but those are all things to consider. What happens if you break up? Is it fair to up-turn the kids' lives again? What if they want to keep on living with all their siblings and three adults? What if of your triad, only one couple breaks up, but can't stand the sight of each other? Who will actually own the house? Will there be enough room for everyone? Can you afford living on your own if you need to?

Poly break-ups are like regular divorces, just hugely more complicated and with none of the legal protections.
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  #99  
Old 08-02-2011, 09:22 AM
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And BTW, mods, could this thread be moved to the Blogs section? I think it's moved well-beyond the initial situation Jaimee asked advice on.
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  #100  
Old 08-02-2011, 09:31 AM
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And BTW, mods, could this thread be moved to the Blogs section? I think it's moved well-beyond the initial situation Jaimee asked advice on.
BU, that request should come from the person who starts a thread because moving it to Blogs limits the kinds of answers they can get.
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"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-02-2011 at 09:36 AM.
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