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  #41  
Old 10-21-2009, 03:18 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
No subtext intended Ceoli, seriously. I am just very aware of what I can be in and maintain sanity lol! Sorry if that came across though.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out here is whether or not you're looking down upon relationships that remain open as not possibly being able to be as committed, responsible or meaningful as relationships that close into some fidelitous model. This is what I mean by value judgement. Everybody has different models that work best for them, I think most of us understand that. But there's a difference between saying that something works much better for me and saying that my relationships are superior or more committed than others because of how I structure them.
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  #42  
Old 10-21-2009, 03:56 AM
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No I'm certainly not looking down on any love style. I am mearly stating what I am comfortable in. I sometimes get caught up in other peoples dynamics that wouldn't work for me and respond out of emotion not rational thought. Sorry, RP kicked my ass over this and reminded me that I often do this. I'm retreating from the forums for now as it's my birthday tomorrow and RP is here, (naked) until 4 pm tomorrow!!!! wee heeeeee....
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  #43  
Old 10-21-2009, 04:02 AM
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It relates because age aside, you are having concerns about your poly nature and it's "limits" as they apply to your existing relationship(s), and so am I. :shrug:

As for the age thing - I'm realistic about it. Both girls insist that they are going to be around for the long haul; Violet has had almost a year to convince me, Anne only a couple of months to make up her mind. I absolutely get it that they have their 20's ahead of them - how would it be again, lol - in fact, there have been many conversations about me feeling that by participating in this relationship I am "robbing them of this time in their lives". Both of them are auite pointedly stating that plenty of girls marry very successfully at their age, and that if they meet that guy and he's a few years older, so be it. And for the record, the age gap is ~13 years, not 20, so when they're 40 I'll be a respectable 53 give or take. Not TOO bad, lol.

In any event, i am grateful for the time we are having, one day at a time. Every morning I wake up amazed that Violet is next to me. When we meet up with Anne, I am speechless looking at the two of them sitting next to each other smiling and saying they love me. If and when one or both of them "outgrow" it, I will have had this time and will be gratefull for it. Until then, I choose to let them make their own decisions so long as they aren't destructive, and right now they both continually choose to stay with this, and are in fact quite annoyed that I question them about it!

wow! I felt like I totally slammed you and you responded with a well thought out and rational response that makes sense! I'm impressed...
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  #44  
Old 10-22-2009, 04:40 AM
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It merely means I only love one person romantically including sexual expression at a time. All the other stuff is not poly specific.

In summary - I am comfortable living and loving the current poly "fI" dynamic I have and can handle the inclusion of other women. I will not be able to commit the same way to a more open form of poly. I have dedicated my love and family support to Redpepper but I would never pursue another poly relationship as a mono person and I do not recommend them to others for the health of both the mono and the poly person.

Allthough I agree that" All the other stuff is not poly specific" I have seen that living a poly friendly lifestyle promotes all that other stuff.Its a given that ALL relationships SHOULD be loving ,honest, open, compassionate but thats not allways the case. What I have seen from the poly population is a dedication beyond that of normal relationships. Hence my comment that you are only mono in the physical and romantic sense. Hopefully you can see that in no way am I belittling you or your stand for what is healthy for you. I respect you.
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  #45  
Old 10-22-2009, 05:26 AM
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Allthough I agree that" All the other stuff is not poly specific" I have seen that living a poly friendly lifestyle promotes all that other stuff.Its a given that ALL relationships SHOULD be loving ,honest, open, compassionate but thats not allways the case. What I have seen from the poly population is a dedication beyond that of normal relationships. Hence my comment that you are only mono in the physical and romantic sense. Hopefully you can see that in no way am I belittling you or your stand for what is healthy for you. I respect you.
I owe you a bit of an apology my friend. I have been going through some stuff outside of my relationship as well as within it. The culmination of pressures has been weighing me down and making me repeat a pattern I think I will talk about on another thread. In short, I was out of line with my reply. I was coming from a place of frustration and hurt. I pushed at the people around me to see if they would turn away. Yet again they held on.

Sorry Maca.
Take care
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  #46  
Old 10-22-2009, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I owe you a bit of an apology my friend. I have been going through some stuff outside of my relationship as well as within it. The culmination of pressures has been weighing me down and making me repeat a pattern I think I will talk about on another thread. In short, I was out of line with my reply. I was coming from a place of frustration and hurt. I pushed at the people around me to see if they would turn away. Yet again they held on.

Sorry Maca.
Take care
Mono
Wow Mono-you truly are a real man. I wish we were somewhere we could meet (all of us). You and RP are just totally inspiring to me.
C is truly and honestly mono and so much like you seem to be. I can completely respect where you are and how odd it is to find yourself there being a mono.

I hope that all those outside stressors settle soon and you can relax in your life and your love.

You won our hearts. We won't disappear either if you don't!

LR
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  #47  
Old 10-22-2009, 05:36 AM
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You deserve the thanks Mono.For not following the path to destruction you are strong and we are solid.You are safe with RP and you are safe with us on this board brother. I send my support and love bro.

Peace and love
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  #48  
Old 10-22-2009, 05:48 AM
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I totally agree Ceoli, well put... my spaces are filled quite nicely thank you very much. Because I made them first, tried some people on and found who I needed...
Actually, for me, it's kind of the opposite. I've always found it hard to find people to fit pre-made spaces in my life. It would be very limiting for me. What I meant by finding spaces for the people in my life is more about not pre-assigning how people will fit into my life, but more finding ways to wrap my life around the people I meet.

For instance, right now, I've been caught up in exploring a new relationship. But the trouble is he lives on the west coast and I'm bound for London eventually. Now, normally, there wouldn't be room for him because I know I want a love that I can live with and form a family with, etc...I want to be able to have loves that can keep me company. But at the same time, the feelings are very real between us and it doesn't make sense for me to just discard them. So we're just relaxing and letting this go in the direction that's right for both of us with the limitations placed on it. It could be that we just remain long distance friends who connect deeply. We could make concerted efforts to travel to see each other often. Or I could decide that he's worth moving to the west coast for. But I can't pre-plan how this guy is going to fit in my life. I'll just have to see.

Making spaces for the people who come into my life allows me to do that.
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  #49  
Old 10-22-2009, 06:07 AM
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I hope that all those outside stressors settle soon and you can relax in your life and your love.

LR
The first thing Redpepper said to me after we got back to my place last night was whether I was happy in what we have and did I want to stay in this relationship. This is not the first time she has asked this. My answer is always the same..I am happy in what we have right now and I do want to be in this relationship.

I have a tendency to take a discussion or hypothetical situation and create reality around it. This is a danger of forum discussions for me. I love to share but have to be careful not to take things on. I've gotten better at avoiding this but being raw because of so many things lately I let this happen again yesterday.

There is also the issue I have with facing difficulty. It is not that I avoid it; it is that I think I need to shield everyone around me from it. I essentially feel best in a fight if it is just me. Whether I win or lose will be determined by my own actions and damage to myself is insignificant as long as the greater good is achieved. Therefore I pull away or push at people trying to help me. I don't want people around me getting hurt regardless if they want to help.

Redpepper has made it clear that she is here for me and wants to share in not just the fun with me, but the hardships. She is the fiercest and most dedicated friend you could imagine...she'd be pretty damn good in a fight and I know she would always watch my back. I am surrendering to that. I need her so I donít sacrifice myself in trying to achieve the best for others.

I truly am happy in what we have and in my love for her and commitment to the family we have. We were lying in bed this morning and she put the question out there of "I wonder where we will be on you next birthday?" She doesn't feel the insecurities I do sometimes. I am afraid to read too much into her confidence but I do take strength in that.
I donít care where we are..I just want her lying next to me
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  #50  
Old 10-22-2009, 06:07 AM
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yes I see what you mean Ceoli.
I guess it can be a bit of both really. I was certainly in place where I was inviting people into my life at this time last year. I was making space for sure! When the space was made (very small ones) there were men to fill it, that's for sure! After they had tried out the seat for a bit, sometimes one date, I decided if they were worth making larger spaces for and eventually becoming bigger parts of my life. I guess that is how I saw it at that time, now I see it as you do... if people come into my life I will see how my life shapes around them, but really I would do that with anyone, not necessarily another partner or intimate friend.
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