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  #11  
Old 10-21-2009, 04:48 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
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Maca,

I'm just wondering. Are you wondering how other's deal with it, or do they feel the same way? Let me just say that yes, some of us feel the same way. You're dealing with it fabulously. You've stated your feelings and concerns, they've not only listened, but heard and have respected. Sounds like it's working for all of you. How do I deal with watching our hinge kiss his wife. I look at the floor, the ceiling, read my book, watch tv, and sometimes leave the room. But then Sea does the same.
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  #12  
Old 10-21-2009, 05:19 AM
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Hijack by maca

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Originally Posted by midnightsun View Post

#1. Trust: There is a level of trust between the two of us that I've never had with anyone else. He's had many opportunities and reasons to leave in the nearly 8 years we've been married. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would've long before now.
There is alot to be said for trust.Its not that I dont trust her to not love me or want to be with me.We too have had opportunities to leave and at one point I did leave.There are still Insecurities Im dealing with from the affair LR had , although those insecurities of trust are fading fast with the new found honesty we are implementing in our relationship.


[/QUOTE]#2. Love: I love him truly and honestly and I LOVE seeing him happy, love seeing him turned on. It eventually occurred to me that anything that turns him on, turns ME on... but I don't have to BE the one turning him on. I just enjoy the thought that he's enjoying himself. I don't even have to be there for it to make me happy.[/QUOTE]

Im not turned on by her getting turned on by him( just not who I am) But I do see your point in being happy for her if he makes her happy, but I dont see as why I have to be witness to it.Maybe in time that will change.

quote#3. Respect: I respect his desires as an individual. I respect the feelings of the person he's with, when he's with another. I do not take for granted that I don't have to earn his love & trust, that they should come automatically just because we're married.

I see trust in the words you've written in your past posts, that she is being honest with you about how she feels about you and her other C. You've been married a long time, she hasn't left you for anyone "better" and doesn't appear to be seeking someone "better." You trust her enough to allow and even foster her relationship with C. So, the issue is maybe that you don't trust yourself? That you don't think you're good enough for her? quote

That is one of the issues I have posted about in other posts.Im working through those feeling of not being good enough. Mono has even sugested that it may be helpful if I posted my long list of hurts that lead me to no trusting ppl especially women.

quoteI see clearly that you love her. The key for me in learning to be ok with seeing PDA between my Love and another is focusing on his happiness, his pleasure, his desire... learning to take my happiness from his, my pleasure from his, my desire from his... you get the idea.

You respect the relationship between the two of you, between LR & C, respect your family structure as well.

The foundation is there... just build it 1 brick at a time. Be willing to take small steps, and to have a signal that will let her & C know if you aren't ok with something so that they can respect your feelings as you work on respecting theirs.

Good luck! Sorry for being so long winded... I type fast!! [/QUOTE]

You have left me with food for thought Midsun thanks for the reply
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  #13  
Old 10-21-2009, 05:29 AM
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Hijack by maca

Im not turned on by her getting turned on by him( just not who I am) But I do see your point in being happy for her if he makes her happy, but I dont see as why I have to be witness to it.Maybe in time that will change.
I'm glad I gave you food for thought! I posted not because I think you should change. You may not, and as others pointed out you're doing a good job at this point of being honest about your feelings and dealing with them up front. And youd should know it's ok if you don't change!

I thought it might be useful to you to see that my feelings changed through various relationships I've had and the process I went through to get there. Part of it may be the person I'm with now, but I also feel like it's because I've changed as a person. I've learned to feel good about who I am and what I have to offer in a relationship.

It's not that I think he can't live without me... it's that I know in my heart he doesn't WANT to. Therefore, why would he leave me when I'm willing to let him have whatever (and whoever) he wants as well as me?
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  #14  
Old 10-21-2009, 07:09 PM
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Now that there are a number of replies-I feel like it's reasonable to put in some two cents to lead to more conversation about it.

When Maca told me he intended to start this thread he said he really wanted to know how other people deal with affection between their significant other and someone else. Almost "ideas" of options, because this is so new to him.

Yes C and I do respect that this is a difficult transition for him. But there have been issues.

Maca specifically addressed sex and kissing here-but neither C or I have any interest in exposing Maca to seeing us have sex for any number of reasons and we haven't kissed in front of him either nor do we feel a need.

However-as RP noted she reserves privacy for those things not only with Mono but also with her husband-that is not the case here. Maca in the past has made it a point to do anything and everything he can in front of C. (I believe as a way of saying "see this is mine").
Maca and I are quite affectionate publicly and that includes in front of C. C has never expressed any issue with this-but sometimes it does bother me. I feel like he's getting the shaft so to speak.

Additionally if I sit on the couch and put my head on C's lap-that bothers Maca, if I give him a hug it also bothers Maca if he deems it as lasting to long. It isn't JUST "sexual" affection that causes tension-it's any affection. Even when I say I love you-it causes a tension.

NOW-dont get me wrong-this dynamic change in our relationship is only a few weeks old. I am not complaining about what we have accomplished so far. It's great.
But we were talkign in the tub about my frustration in not knowing what I can or can't do in front of Maca, and that since this dynamic change my time with C has actually decreased.

We do have the mornings, but as I've said I also homeschool my kids and most of my morning is tied up with the kids. We enjoy working together with them, but that isn't alone time.
C and I don't get alone time. Maca and I do. C or Em will babysit so that Maca and I can go out to dinner or on a date and we always sleep together at night-ALWAYS. SO we do get alone time.

But Maca isn't comfortable with C and I having a date or going out together on our own. So C and I do not get time without the kids for ourselves. That is a bit of a struggle.

Anyway-thoughts from here would be great for both of us-as we are trying to find our common ground and could use some more suggestions and ideas to contemplate in our progression!

Thanks!!
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  #15  
Old 10-21-2009, 09:11 PM
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I made a very dramatic transition in my life. I went from being a very monogamous minded, volatile and jealousy-prone person, to the polyamorous compersive, even-kkel fellow that I have become. I often tell my friends "I made it to the mountain top", because the who "what's the worst that could happen" exercise unfolded before my eyes, polyamory did it's worst to me and I came out the other side still polyamorous.

There were a ton of factors in my transition, but the main two factors were time and experience. I really don't see how I could have completed that transition any faster than I did and it took me two years (for most of the shift to be complete, I don't think you ever get to actually land and stop shifting).

And the only reason I think I was able to make such a radical shift so fast was because of a wealth of experiences of others that I could draw on. I met and spoke with and read about and befriended so many polyamorous people that I was able to figure out what about it could work for me and what I might be ready for someday but not now, and what just isn't ever going to be for me ever (there are some things that bring some polyamorous people great joy but just leaves me muttering "I just can't get down with that").

I really love the word compersion. I still remember the first time I heard Minx use it on Polyamory Weekly. And I said "Ah ha! That's where H wants me to go." But I was still not quite there yet. I was getting there, but there was a whole bunch of programming in my head about how unnatural it was to be okay with actually seeing "your woman" enjoying affection with and for another.

I guess all I can really say was that for me personally it was worth the time and effort it took to get the rest of the way there.
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  #16  
Old 10-22-2009, 02:07 AM
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I understand that ( and I believe LR does to ) that I can and will only progress at a health rate for ME. I love the fact that I can spill my thoughts out here and get helpful ,loving and nonjudgemental advice. The more LR and I talk the further I go( as LR says crawling out of a hole to see the wide open field).

I was looking for rules or ideas of what was an accepted amount of affection in front of the others. What I have learned is that really there are no rules there is just life, love, experience, compassion and self introspect.
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  #17  
Old 10-22-2009, 02:49 AM
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Quote:
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I was looking for rules or ideas of what was an accepted amount of affection in front of the others. What I have learned is that really there are no rules there is just life, love, experience, compassion and self introspect.
Yahtzee!!
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  #18  
Old 10-22-2009, 03:15 AM
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Ceoli-you are too cool and funny!!!
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  #19  
Old 10-22-2009, 04:43 AM
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Quote:
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Yahtzee!!


Am I the Winner?????
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  #20  
Old 10-22-2009, 06:44 AM
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I'm not sure what it is that C is getting out of this relationship the three of you have... I get that he has family out of it, but if you never have any time together LR then how are you to develop levels of connection and intimacy? Is there no time that Maca can look after your kids so that the two of you can go out, perhaps spend the night together and quickly jump back into your own bed before the kids get up (we do this on nights Mono sleeps over)?

I realize that this "question" arose only recently and also realize that there is a lot going on for the two of you in the way of counseling issues and a child moving in with you, but should this not be the time to sort out some logistics together for the long haul? I guess I am feeling kinda bad for poor ol C who doesn't seem to have a voice in all this.

I remember having a discussion with my husband at some point about how I felt I should stay two nights a week at Mono's and that he should stay nights at our house whenever possible. Granted we don't live together, so seeing each other in regular life is different, but my concern was about the fact that he (and I) needs closeness and private times with me just as much as my husband and I do. My husband agreed and now that is what we do... it translated into being more respectful about saying goodbyes (as I mentioned earlier) and eventually lead to sexual aspects of our relationships apart and together. When we are together there have been occasions where there is enough meditative silence that Mono, or my husband has watched affection between me and the other and really felt the love there. At least I feel as if that is what happens... it certainly is like that for me in that I feel like I am showing it. It has moved us to a place of bonding and connection that I didn't think possible. Complete compersion.

Maca, you were saying, "I was looking for rules or ideas of what was an accepted amount of affection in front of the others. What I have learned is that really there are no rules there is just life, love, experience, compassion and self introspect." The point I guess I am trying to make is that you are at where you are at and you can make rules/boundaries up as you go and change them as you go using love, experience, compassion and self introspection.... when the rule isn't working anymore it's time to look at it again.
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