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  #21  
Old 07-30-2011, 01:18 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Thank you for the kind words. It is just hubby and I and the kids tonight. We are talking and I'm only crying when I go in another room. My OSO doesn't get on here but hubbys does. I really wish we could all be on here because they would both benefit greatly by everyone advice.
Hubby told me tonight that he knew J and I were in love before we would admit it to ourselves. He said that we betrayed him by falling in love and that j was no longer his friend. Keep in mind they had been friends for 20 years before I stupidly told him how I felt. I guess when I actually spoke the words it all changed. He is so angry that we fell in love. I never meant to fall for J but it happened after a decade of friendship. I'm not sure why it was ok as long as we didn't ever talk about it. If he knew for years that we were in love and just never told anyone including each other then why didn't it bother him before? It must be the male female thing or something. He is upset that I don't see how we betrayed him. He had feelings for a girl who stayed with us and we all slept in the same bed. Then he thought he was in love with another chick. That was fine and not part of our swinging life. Then he met M and we found Polly. Then I finally worked up enough courage to admit my feelings to my self then hubby. It was a couple months before hubby told me I could tell J what was going on so he would know why hubby was treating him the way he was. When I told J how I felt he started to cry and hugged me. He told me he loved me to so much and that he couldn't believed I loved him back. Since then they have not been the same. I hurt that they are right here in the same house and aren't friends. J doesn't know they aren't friends anymore. It will kill him so I won't tell him Hubby will have to do that on his own. He already feels bad about everything that he had put hubby through in the past but hubby can't forgive him for any of it and throws it up in his face every chance he can. I miss my fun loving husband that has been replaced by this angry hurt man who just feels betrayed. I wish I could fix it but it isn't my place to try. If hubby doesn't want his friend back and can't forgive him then it will tear us all apart. At least I think it will.
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  #22  
Old 07-30-2011, 11:59 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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I am surprised by the double standart I see in the behaviour of your husband. Well, maybe not suprised, I tend to have a similar problem, but I am aware of it. Does he know that this might be not fair? That it seems as if it is OK for him to love another person but it isn't for you? Aside from who it is, or is his issue that it had to be his friend you fell in love with?

And don't feel responsible to hide your tears. I cry easily, I need those tears to relieve the stress I feel in the specific situations. I know that some take tears as an aggressiv act that should make them feel responsible or at fault. But it isn't like that most of the time, at least not for me. I am not sure if this is the thing for you as well, but maybe it would helpt to explain to your husband that you are not accusing him if you cry, that you need this to deal with a painful situation and the pressure you are feeling. That you don't cry for the sole purpose to make him feel bad.

Good luck, don't give up. Wishing you some happier moments in the future.
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  #23  
Old 07-30-2011, 07:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
We are talking and I'm only crying when I go in another room. . .

. . . He said that we betrayed him by falling in love and that j was no longer his friend. Keep in mind they had been friends for 20 years before I stupidly told him how I felt. I guess when I actually spoke the words it all changed. He is so angry that we fell in love. I never meant to fall for J but it happened after a decade of friendship.

He is upset that I don't see how we betrayed him. . . I hurt that they are right here in the same house and aren't friends. J doesn't know they aren't friends anymore.

. . . I miss my fun loving husband that has been replaced by this angry hurt man who just feels betrayed.
It is extremely sad that you must go and hide in another room to feel your feelings. Your husband sounds quite immature emotionally and is being irrational, dictatorial, and possessive toward you and in what he wants. I hope he reads this! You should not feel that telling him you fell in love with his friend was "stupid." You were being honest and straightforward. He apparently would rather put blinders on and enjoy sport sex than deal with human emotions.

All the turmoil you are going through is not your fault. It is your husband's for not allowing you to be yourself, and for thinking he owns you and has a right to tell you what you can and cannot feel. You fell in love. That happened because you and J. simply had a connection -- you didn't fall in love on purpose to hurt your husband. If I were SunDrop, I would wonder if he was just using me to get back at you.

Perhaps you should start looking at your relationship with J., your bf, as your primary and let go of thinking that your marriage will ever be the same. Unless and until your husband stops being a brat, I don't see how it can ever be healthy again.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #24  
Old 07-30-2011, 09:36 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It is extremely sad that you must go and hide in another room to feel your feelings. Your husband sounds quite immature emotionally and is being irrational, dictatorial, and possessive toward you and in what he wants. I hope he reads this! You should not feel that telling him you fell in love with his friend was "stupid." You were being honest and straightforward. He apparently would rather put blinders on and enjoy sport sex than deal with human emotions.

All the turmoil you are going through is not your fault. It is your husband's for not allowing you to be yourself, and for thinking he owns you and has a right to tell you what you can and cannot feel. You fell in love. That happened because you and J. simply had a connection -- you didn't fall in love on purpose to hurt your husband. If I were SunDrop, I would wonder if he was just using me to get back at you.

Perhaps you should start looking at your relationship with J., your bf, as your primary and let go of thinking that your marriage will ever be the same. Unless and until your husband stops being a brat, I don't see how it can ever be healthy again.
I appreciate all of the support I get on here. I would like to address a couple of things about this post. I don't HAVE to go in the other room to cry but I know not seeing it makes it easier on H. H might be emotionally immature I don't know. I do know his family was not normal and he has had some issues with emotions and communication because of it. I feel SunDrop is having the same type of issues for the same reasons.

One of his long term relationships in the past had problems when he, J and her had sex together. From this J and her had sex with out him. Hubby still has not forgiven him for this. It was a life time ago and J was a much different person back then.

I can't lay all of the responsibility on him for our problems though. I know I'm not perfect. I know with out a shadow of a doubt that H LOVES sundrop unconditionally and fully. I can not picture our life with out her. She is family now. I worry that it won't be a healthy relationship but I will not give up. He said something the other night that he feels stupid sometimes because he never knows there is something wrong with our relationship until I say something about it. I have thought about Sundrop being his primary and J being mine but how does someone transition into something like that. I think it would make H happier and would make sundrop feel better too. I know J would like it and I am sure I could pull it off because that is basically how it feels now. I knew this life style would be hard but I didn't have any real clue how hard it could be to love 2 men and keep everyone happy. I guess one of my biggest problems is it isn't my job to keep everyone happy. I just don't know how to let go of that feeling.
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  #25  
Old 07-30-2011, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I didn't have any real clue how hard it could be to love 2 men and keep everyone happy. I guess one of my biggest problems is it isn't my job to keep everyone happy. I just don't know how to let go of that feeling.
Yes, this is probably the most important realization to have. Each of you are 100% responsible for your own happiness, and to conduct yourselves with respect for everyone, and to treat each other the way you want to be treated. Seething with anger as your husband is doing, or running out of the room to cry just to protect him from seeing how you really feel, is not a healthy way to live. Nor is it respectful to your own inner processes.

You don't want to blame anyone else, but it is very apparent that your husband is the one who has dropped the ball when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship with YOU. Therapy for both of you could help. He needs to stop throwing his hands up and claiming to be clueless about what's wrong, and start looking at how he operates in relationship. Furthermore, he needs to stop reacting angrily to your crying. You need to feel safe to be yourself in your own home.

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Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
J and her had sex with out him. Hubby still has not forgiven him for this. It was a life time ago . . .
This only reveals just how possessive he is. We can't own our loved ones.

I won't say anymore -- I don't want you to feel like I'm haranguing you. I wish you all the best.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-30-2011 at 10:46 PM.
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  #26  
Old 08-02-2011, 04:57 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, this is probably the most important realization to have. Each of you are 100% responsible for your own happiness, and to conduct yourselves with respect for everyone, and to treat each other the way you want to be treated.
Yes this is very true and I am the one who broke this trust with my husband. I read something i shouldn't have and broke the trust of two people i love. I may never get that back although I pray I do.
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  #27  
Old 08-02-2011, 05:44 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
Yes this is very true and I am the one who broke this trust with my husband. I read something i shouldn't have and broke the trust of two people i love. I may never get that back although I pray I do.

Trust can be re-built, but it will take time and effort. Just from what you have posted here, you and your husband have a lot of unresolved and even some never touched on issues and resentments between you. To me it looks like you both have done things you shouldn't have and broken each others trust, more than once and this is beginning to look like a series one person gets hurt and the other retaliates in some fashion, but no one is willing to actually discuss the hard but very important real issues. It just keep getting sept under the rug while everyone is hoping it will just go away. I am completely baffled by what to me seems like a strong fight against getting professional help for your marriage(not for you alone, for the both of you together).
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  #28  
Old 08-02-2011, 06:48 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Trust can be re-built, but it will take time and effort. Just from what you have posted here, you and your husband have a lot of unresolved and even some never touched on issues and resentments between you. To me it looks like you both have done things you shouldn't have and broken each others trust, more than once and this is beginning to look like a series one person gets hurt and the other retaliates in some fashion, but no one is willing to actually discuss the hard but very important real issues. It just keep getting sept under the rug while everyone is hoping it will just go away. I am completely baffled by what to me seems like a strong fight against getting professional help for your marriage(not for you alone, for the both of you together).
I really don't think he has broken my trust. Talking about our personal conversations with her maybe but he needs someone to talk to. We obviously aren't very good at communicating. I wasn't trying to retaliate against him at all and least not that I know of. I just saw it up and read one sentences and took it all wrong. Had I not broken that trust than there wouldn't even be an issue now. I do think it helped me come to terms with a few things and will make things better for me it in no way helps anyone else. Not to mention he is mad and I am sure she will be too when she finds out. I never meant to break their trust at all. I care too much about them. I am sure we need counseling and maybe one day that would be an option but right now I don't think it is.
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  #29  
Old 08-02-2011, 06:51 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I guess at this point I don't eve n know what the real issues even are.
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  #30  
Old 08-02-2011, 07:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I guess at this point I don't eve n know what the real issues even are.
Exactly my point and why I am pushing that you guys need marriage counceling. A year ago my husband and I entered counceling as a last ditch effort to keep me from filing for divorce. For years neither of us felt like we could talk to the other person for fear they would take it wrong and get upset or we would be completely ignored. Both of us were making a LOT of assumptions about the other that could have easily been solved with a simple conversation (which we weren't capable of at the time). It wasn't until we started counceling that we learned what the real issues were. Some of what came out of those sessions shocked us both and we learned a great deal, especially how best to communicate with each other.
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