MindfulAgony's Poly Journey

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony

I finally heard from my missing paramour this morning. Thank goodness she is healthy and ok. But, she is going through some things right now that have taking her off the grid. I feel a ton better now; a weight has been lifted. It is - at least as of this morning - a lot easier to deal with the sense of loss of the connection...

And, so I move forward or, at least, onward...

That is a relief and for that I'm so glad! But I'm sorry for the strife and the uncertainty too and wish you peace as you sort out your feelings.

[MindfulAgony]

I guess its about time to update. I seem to only do this when "something happens." Well, something has indeed happened. One of partners chose to be in an exclusive relationship earlier this week. It has been hard on me for a variety of reasons. Certainly, the sense of loss of what we had and where we might have developed is strongly there. But, I also have been having real trouble with it because I didn't know she was dating this person. And, my clue was that she updated her facebook status. Instant. Heart. Break.

Just ouch.

Bizarre to me as we had just went through a round of trying to communicate feelings clearly, etc. But, none of this really hit the radar screen. Yet, here we are now. Yep, still hurts.

I'm struggling with whether or not there's a selection issue that I have to be more careful navigating. I haven't been living poly very long - a year and a half I guess now. But, I have had two relationships end unceremoniously. It's not that they end. I do expect that to happen with similar frequency with being monogomous. What has surprised me is the lack of consideration and care displayed in the ending of the relationship. It seems that there are some pretty firm "rules" in breaking up with a monogomous girlfriend/boyfriend (e.g., after X amount of time you can't do it on the phone....). These "rules" - at least in my experience - have been followed pretty well.

It feels to me like these women have ended our relationship as if I shouldn't care. As if the 8-10 months of connecting would only amount to the loosest of connections that don't deserve consideration of impact. I told L after getting clarity about her recent choice and expressing my shock and hurt by it:

"I won't belabor the point further, but I would have expected more care and consideration than one might give a one night stand."

Is that really too much to ask for in poly relationships? Does the fact that we have other partners mean we can and should be cavalier about how we swap them in and out of our lives?

It has been a hard week. I have discovered, however, that all the changes I've made to my life and attitude are paying dividends. I've managed to feel this pain fully but also still see and enjoy the myriad other joys in my life. Not so long ago, there would have been no light.

[River]

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony

What has surprised me is the lack of consideration and care displayed in the ending of the relationship. It seems that there are some pretty firm "rules" in breaking up with a monogomous girlfriend/boyfriend (e.g., after X amount of time you can't do it on the phone....). These "rules" - at least in my experience - have been followed pretty well.

It feels to me like these women have ended our relationship as if I shouldn't care. As if the 8-10 months of connecting would only amount to the loosest of connections that don't deserve consideration of impact.

Gosh, I'm so sorry!

It's clear to me that poly relationships ought in every way be treated like mono relationships, except for the obvious difference that there are more people involved. What's with people who think that poly folk don't have hearts? Do we not have the same red blood? Do we not love, not feel?

Seems lots of folks think that if we have at least one steady partner that we oughta take loss and disappointment with a grain of salt, as if it were no thing. But loss and disappointment feels just the same regardless, and it hurts. And folks oughta respect that.

Again, sorry for the loss, and the lack of respect and kindness. It hurts.

[MindfulAgony]

Thanks River. I don't get it.

I will say that I did have another relationship end and X was real loving about how that unwound. It helps that she didn't choose to end it; but her husband instead rolled back the open door. So, I guess she was hurting as much as I was in this case.

I have found that one partner doesn't and can't make up for the another. Having someone you care for exit your life or change the way you relate is painful because of that particular relationship dynamic is special.

Is that really a new concept? If you have three best friends, doesn't losing one suddenly hurt just as bad as if he/she was your only bestie? Isn't that the analogous? Same with kids. No one would tell an upset parent that she shouldn't be so sad that her adult child has stopped talking to her because she's got another one that still does. The parent-child bond is stronger, more visceral to be sure. But...

I know LL is a kind, generous and caring person. So, I am especially thrown by the way it went down. I can only speculate that she was trying to minimize any guilty feelings she had for the decision itself but also the secrecy of the relationship. And, she had to minimize the potential impact it might have on me as to not feel like an awful person.

[nycindie]

I am sorry you're in such pain. Maybe things will make more sense when you have some distance from the hurt.

[MindfulAgony]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I am sorry you're in such pain. Maybe things will make more sense when you have some distance from the hurt.

Thanks. I don't that it'll make more sense. It will obviously be less acute of a hurt...

[MindfulAgony]

I talked with LL this morning at her request. I think my supposition was correct - she was minimizing my potential pain in order to not feel too guilty about her choice. But, to her great credit, she was the caring person I know her to be this morning. And, acknowledged that she wasn't fully considerate of our history and my feelings.

At least, it makes me feel like I'm not crazy in having the confused and hurt reaction that I did. I still feel saddened and disappointed that we will no longer be partners/lovers. It is a ton easier to deal with those emotions without thinking that I was/am somehow deluded about where and what the relationship we had actually had been; questioning whether or not she actually had any emotional connection to me.

I know she does (or feel affirmed in that deeper level of understanding) and I'm better able to integrate her choice into the arc of our connection.

Happier for her. Still proccessing my own loss. Fully content with where things are.