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  #11  
Old 07-30-2011, 05:54 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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@Magdlyn - thank you so much for your post =)

Your gf sounds amazing Overcoming obstacles can either build character or drag you down, in my opinion, and it sounds like she has developed amazing character!

I am always one to look for the 'life lesson' opportunities in any situation...this particular one has many things to learn from. Should keep me going for some time to come! LOL
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  #12  
Old 07-30-2011, 08:39 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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@SNeacail - How could I trust him when i was in the hospital, unable to walk with a brand spanking new diagnosis and he was still texting girls? Then to come home to yet another new girl?

You're right, I was telling him that I no longer trusted/trust him to be able to be there for me. I no longer trusted/trust him to put my needs first in a moment of crisis. He would have no reason to believe that I would do the same thing...I have never turned away from him when he needed me.

I am trying desperately to understand his thinking. There must be a way to explain it all. If I believe that he was relieved that it wasn't brain cancer and carried on as if things were back to normal then I have to believe that when he thought I had brain cancer he started dating the first girl...just from the timing...I had symptoms then too, we just didn't know what it was yet. I didn't think that I had brain cancer then, but he did, and started dating someone new anyways.

Where is the logic that doesn't make me feel like i was sick and being replaced?
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  #13  
Old 07-30-2011, 08:53 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Can you invite him to join this forum and post here? It could be helpful for him to express what he's going through, and for other members here to get both sides of the situation in order for us to give feedback.
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  #14  
Old 07-30-2011, 09:09 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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I'm confused, I got the impression that you were encouraging his dating and now your saying that's not the case. My husband's not a mind reader and I DO have to tell him when I need him to back off of other stuff and just be there for me. It's extra important that I do this when my emotions are all over the place and I give him mixed messages.

Did you tell him that you don't trust him anymore and why? This is an important conversation. Part of me thinks your husband might be an abusive SOB, but I chose to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. From experience, don't play the "assumption game" and expect him to read your emotions and between the lines, this is a dangerous game that no one wins.
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  #15  
Old 07-30-2011, 09:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I'm confused, I got the impression that you were encouraging his dating and now your saying that's not the case.
Yes, I'm confused, too. You said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by PickMoreDaisies View Post
My poly was strong. I had excellent communication with my common-law partner of 10 years or so. (We'll call him C). We have three children in a blended family. I had no jealousy about him flirting or having sex with other people.
And then you stated that since your health problems, you aren't comfortable with his dating anymore but that you would rather leave or break off the engagement than tell him not to date.

Now you are saying you don't trust him anymore and have told him that. It seems you are very confused as well. What is really going on?
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  #16  
Old 07-31-2011, 12:24 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Hi! I wanted to stop by b/c Fibro and MS sometimes mimic symptoms. I had a tenative MS diagnosis before I got the fibro diagnosis. With this in mind:

Educate yourself and your partner. It sounds like he wants to be supportive and you aren't sure how to let him do that. It makes sense as this somewhat new. Sure you've been dealing with the symptoms, but now you know why and have an idea of what's to come.

In my experience, the more I pushed Karma out. Tried to hide him from the worst of it, the more upset he got. He loves me and wants to help and wants to understand. The more I released control, the better things got. Your spouse can be your biggest ally in a diagnosis like this. They see what you go through, so when you go to a dr or the ER, they can be your voice when you can't be. If you are cutting him out of that you are short changin both of you.

I can understand how him speaking with other women while you are in the hospital or home recovering can be hard. Here you are sick and most like in pain and emotionaly hurting and it seems like he doesn't care.

But from another side, Karma just needed to get away from it sometimes. He needed to vent to someone. He needed to not be responsible. Doesn't make him a bad guy, it makes him human. In looking for an escape, he found love and we are where we are now. But the point is, that while it is hurtful, believe me I understand, he's human as well. He may feel that venting to you is unfair. You didn't ask for it, so how is it fair to dump those feelings on you?

If you're like me you want to vent too, and being able to do that with your spouse can be healing. But they need to know it's okay. It took awhile to convince Karma that I hated fibro as much as he did and I wasn't going to break if I heard him say it.

I know emotions are raw right now, but I've found a relief in Karma dating. We have enough communication that if I need him to cancel a date he will. But usualy I can handle being home on my own and I find a bit of the weight on my shoulders lifted, knowing that someone else can go out and have fun with him. Someone else is there to do for him what I cannot. I choose to see it as gift instead of a loss.

Right now things are so new, he probably has no idea what you need. It really does help to talk about it with eachother. Sometimes we think we are helping by removing ourselves and in that removing the burden on our spouse, but most of the time by doing that we take away one of the purest forms of love they can give. I learned its not up to me to decide what Karma can handle. We're partners on this path of life. So I need to trust him to know what he can handle.
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  #17  
Old 08-05-2011, 01:55 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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Default Starting to calm down

Clarity in communication is key. I am not used to being so 'all over the map'. I have just had to tell him that my needs might vary with the breeze and that I can no longer predict what they will be. How unfair to him! It is what it is right now.

I am bogged down with insecurity and new ways of feeling. I am bogged down with trying to understand what MS will mean and where I will end up on the spectrum of the disease.

I have told him that I am ok with him chatting but that I am not prepared for any more dating and that we can revisit it next week. Things are changing pretty fast these days that I can't predict how I will feel even tomorrow. I feel immense guilt for all of this. I am supposed to be the one taking care of my family and my partner. I am the one who deals with poly things with the cooler head.

I am sorry for the unclear posts. I do encourage him to date. This MS couldn't have come at a worse time! He was having luck with dating and I suddenly couldn't handle it. It was not the only thing that I couldn't handle. I am having trouble with the idea of being a burden to anyone. I am having trouble not being his rock or my children's rock. I am having trouble with my idea that it would be much easier for him to find someone 'better' now.

He is certainly not inconsiderate generally. I think that is why I was having a hard time understanding his motivations. He always feels immense guilt any time he leaves our 'home' to pusue his own interests. He was having these same feelings when he was leaving to date after I got home from the hospital and just chalked it up to more of his same problems. In his defense as well, I was not communicating at all. Part of me thought that it would be better if he replaced me with someone new: I didn't mention this to him. We were both in shock.
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  #18  
Old 08-05-2011, 02:43 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to curb his dating for a while, especially as your need for him is greater at this moment. If it was someone he had been seeing for years, then perhaps that is a different matter. The real issue that needs to be addressed is your insecurity, the fear that your illness will scare him and he will want to move on. To escape. I'm sure this happens in monogamous relationships too.

It may be the juxtaposition of his happiness/excitement and your sadness/fear that is triggering this. "How can he be out enjoying himself when this is happening?", which then leads you to question his commitment.

You need to talk to him about your fears. You said you don't want to burden him with problems, but that is exactly what he is there for. That's unconditional love. As difficult as it may be to communicate, and god knows I am pathetic at it myself, you need to express your worries and concerns.
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  #19  
Old 08-05-2011, 03:23 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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I'm sure that it would be different if he had a long-term relationship with someone. I assume that she would know what was going on in his life and would be able to be supportive in ways that a new coffee date person can't be.

When I had a breast cancer scare a few years back it was helpful to us both to have my bf at the time involved. He came to the hospital with us and C could talk to him about his own fears about the whole thing. It was nice to have another perspective and someone else to be a sounding board.

I know that I want him to not give up on this girl that he is interested in. I am hoping that it can just move really slowly and that she doesn't get impatient while not really knowing the whole story about what he has going on at home...
It seems so early to dump heavy stuff on her!! He wants her to know but he's going about it slowly which is fine by me at this point!

Right now I am just trying to be ok with saying that him leaving on dates it not OK right now and that I don't know when I will feel better. I know that we have huge insecurity issues to deal with. We are starting to talk about it. He feels that my MS diagnosis is something that WE are dealing with in OUR life and when I don't talk to him about the problems that I am having either emotionally or physically he feels left out, that he can't help me and it hurts him. I am working on it.

Obviously I need to feel closer to him to ever consider feeling confident with the poly aspects of our life. I need to once again trust that he will never leave me as I always did. The only way to get there is to share and see that he doesn't leave...that is scary as all hell.

Last edited by PickMoreDaisies; 08-05-2011 at 03:25 PM.
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  #20  
Old 08-05-2011, 06:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Awww. *hugs*

I hear you saying you feel you're supposed to be the rock and the caretaker to him and your kids. And you think you'll be abandoned if you cant be the clear headed and physically capable one 24/7.

This seems to be core issue. it kinda rings home to me, esp as I am middle aged and have more and more trouble with my aging body, joint pain, high blood pressure, some hearing loss I have to get checked out... etc.

Since my gf is handicapped, as I mentioned, however, and just because she is kind, she makes allowances for me (even though she's 22 years younger than me and all young and lively and strong). After all marriage vows often include to "cherish... in sickness and in health." That includes care and feeding and all that.
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